12 Hours

Twelveish hours from now, I will be on a plane leaving Russia.  Today was my last day at church. Yesterday was my last day in the city in the sense of walking around and seeing things.

The last couple weeks have been interesting. I don't know if I can really do a good job of describing the emotions that go along with it. Or lack thereof. 

For about a week and a half I was depressed. I didn't want to be social, it was difficult to even be at the church because it physically hurt. I spent the last year getting to know people and becoming part of the church family here and leaving them is really hard. 

I wasn't feeling numb exactly. My best friend told me that I sounded "dull" not dull as in "Oh gosh Abigail are you going to whine about leaving some more? how dull!" but dull as in my emotions exist but they aren't quite sharp or bright. 

I think some of the reason for this feeling is I feel like I haven't really had a chance to process it, or grieve. Every time I feel like I want to cry or get upset about leaving, I find myself controlling it. I imagine once I get home I'll feel like I can afford the luxury of being upset. 

People ask me what my next step is. Honestly, I have no idea. I have a better idea of what I want to be doing than before I came, but I still don't know what's going to work out. All I know is that I want to sleep for a while. Not the sleep of jet lag. That's a given. But I just feel weary. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically. Sleep sounds really good right now. Especially since I haven't been sleeping well nights the past two weeks, although that has gotten somewhat better. It's weird to think that this time "tomorrow" i.e. Eastern Time. I'll be home. Weird to think I'll be back in "my" culture, although I know it won't feel completely like mine. Not for a while. The past month or so, I've realized that people will post references to things on Facebook and I don't get them. I just look at it and am like "What in the world are they talking about." In a way it's kind of nice. Facebook "connects" people, not getting the cultural references makes me feel not connected. I actually don't mind the feeling. The world is too noisy sometimes.

Anyway, I guess that's really all I have to say about that. I feel like I didn't do a good job explaining my state of mind, but since I'm feeling a little surreal and a little dull, perhaps I can reflect on it better once I get home...

40 Days

Okay, actually it's 38 days. I'm a little behind. But 40 is a much more Biblical number than 38. How many years did the Israelites wander in the desert? How many days and nights did it rain during the great flood?

See what I mean?

Anyway, so with not quite a month left, I'm in this transition phase. Let me tell you, it's an awkward phase too. I go through stages where I feel torn in two. It's like I want to stay here but a part of me really needs to be home for a while. I'm tired spiritually, mentally and physically.

I have trouble focusing. There's a part of me that's disengaging from events and happenings here because I'm not going to be around to see their completion, but there's a part of me that also doesn't feel engaged in the events back home because I've been gone so long.

Although it's not like I'm just completely going to disappear and never talk to people here again. The visa laws are changing. As of September 9th, I'll be able to get a Russian visa that's good for something like three years. I've already determined to apply for one when I get home. That way if I want to come back to Russia, all I have to do is buy a ticket. I told Igor today I'd be happy to continue helping to translate/edit the English articles for ITCM and the newspaper "In Christ" even when I'm back in the States. In addition, I'm planning on taking some more courses with the Institute (They have one on the first five books of the Old Testament starting on the 10th of September). Plus I'm trying to figure out a way and means to come back and visit maybe sometime next summer.

Russia's part of me, these people are part of me. I can't just up and forget that this year ever happened (I tried to do that as a coping strategy for leaving Yakutsk. It was interesting times.) It's hard to when people come up to you and say things like "When are you coming back?" or "Why don't you just renew your visa, raise some more support and come back." They mean well and I love them for it because it's a sign that they're going to miss me, that I'm part of this family. It's hard though too because they bring up good points. I honestly don't know what I'm doing when I get back home. So when they talk about these things a part of me goes "You know, that's a really good point."

But at the same time I'm like "Yeah, but you need to be home for a bit, need to figure out what the next steps are."

The whole situation is just confusing and honestly, makes me a little crazy. You can ask my best friend who has told me talking to me on the phone is a little like being at an amusement park. Happy. Sad. Happy. Sad. Annnndd... we're back on the roller coaster.

I was reading through my reverse culture shock posts from the first time I came back from Russia. It was a nice reminder of what I have to look forward too. At the same time, I was sitting there thinking "I don't think I'm going to have the same feelings about some of this." So that'll be interesting to see.

I guess that's all I really have to say. It's kind of funny because my calendar has switched from Russian events to American events. It's no longer "Well on such and such a date I'll be studying with so and so" Instead it's, "Well on such and such a date I'll be giving my mission presentation to such and such a congregation." I've already been working on that too, which feels weird. I want to get it done so I don't have to worry about it that first week back because I'll be super busy, but at the same time it sometimes feels really strange to be working on it and thinking "I'm going to be back in the States."

Proof

The following videos are proof of the singing school. Not that you all doubted, I just thought it would be fun to share them with you. The first is my favorite song that we learned that week and the second... well... the second is what really was going on during the week. :)

Summertime

I feel like I owe you all a more substantial post. During my last post, I was all set to write everything out and make a point, but I got tired halfway through so it was like "eh." I haven't felt much like writing of late. I think it's because the unordinary has become ordinary. Or something.

Summertime is a slower time and I've enjoyed that. Most of the evening activities at the church have slowed down for the moment, so I've been engaged in a lot of individual studies. There are lots of people wanting to learn English, but it's difficult to get them going from English to Bible, even though the texts we use are Biblical. Even though I like interacting with people, I've discovered that my least favorite thing to do is study English using Biblical texts. Maybe because it just feels weird to me, or maybe because I feel like I'm not doing a good job. What I do when I feel that way, is focus on the little things. A particularly good conversation, gifting a Bible, making people think. This last one especially is what I strive to do every time I meet with someone.

I've also gotten the opportunity to do some traveling this summer. As I mentioned in my last post, I spent a week at camp in Estonia and tomorrow I'm heading to Donetsk, Ukraine where I will be participating in the annual Singing School held there. It's a chance for Russian Christians to learn new songs, singing in parts, and music theory and practice. It should be an interesting experience.

One thing I've been trying to deal with recently, and maybe this is why I've not felt much like writing, is the fact that I will be heading home in 80 days, for those of you (Like me) who don't feel like calculating it out, I'm leaving October 8th. This is one thing I'm not looking forward too. Okay, that's not entirely true. I'm looking forward to seeing my family and friends, but it's going to be really really hard to leave here. I've spent the last year integrating, building relationships and now it's like "peace out." Whether I were to go home or stay here, I'm disappointing people and so either way I feel kind of like a jerk. In addition to that aspect of leaving, there's the whole transition aspect. I'm not particularly looking forward to that either. I know it's going to be rough for a while.

So what do the next 80 days look like? Well when I get back from the Singing School, I'm going to be packing my bags and moving out of this room. Yes, that's right you heard me. I'm going to be spending a month house-sitting for a family from church and I am super super excited about that. Especially since there have been some things happening around here in recent weeks that have just made me feel like it's time to go somewhere else (nothing dangerous, so no worries). In September, I will be moving back into the church building and spending my last month there. Funny, but it's like I'm coming full circle.

As to other things happening, well we'll see what pops up. There are some events happening, things to organize, people to study with, so we'll see. The key is to make the most of these 80 days. 

Adventures with Children Part 2

Those of you who read this post, you know about the relationship I have with children. You also may recall that back in May I went on a short trip to Estonia to relax for a few days. While I was there, I learned about Camp Balchyoca. This is a camp that takes place every year the first week of July. It is a Christian camp and is located just outside of Estonia. 

While in Estonia, I was invited to come to said camp in July and to herd counsel children. Now, knowing my previous experience with children I gave the most brilliant answer possible. "I'll think about it." And it was left at that. 

I really did think about it. In fact I thought about it on and off for weeks. Weighing the pros and the cons. I was like "It would be so nice to get out of the city for a week. " But then the thought of being a counselor for children just caused me stress. 

I then proceeded to talk about it with a dear friend of mine who coerced suggested I go. So I thought about it some more and one morning I quite literally woke up and decided that I should go. 

Let me tell you, it was an interesting experience. One thing about this camp is that a lot of Americans and Canadians come to help out with it. That was interesting, let me tell you what. The first night I get in, fresh off the bus and there's all these Americans and they're loud and they don't understand and it was just totally weird for me. It was also kind of funny. 

I was totally nervous about the whole thing before I left, but once I got there, the nervousness disappeared and I legit had no real expectations. When I asked about the kids who were staying in my cabin, Nicolaj, the camp director, informed me that I had difficult children and part of the reason I was assigned to them is because I speak Russian. I was like "Okay." All the while thinking They can't be that bad right?

hahahahaha.

Actually though it could've been a lot worse. Despite feeling like I did nothing but yell at people the first two days, it got better towards the end of the week. I hate feeling like I'm super mean and I feel like the girls probably hated me, but we survived and that's the important thing, right? 

Plus as an added bonus it was really nice to get out of the city and the daily grind for a while. Nice to be out in nature despite the massive amounts of mosquito bites and the sunburn. The camp was on the Baltic Sea and so even though it was too cold to swim, we still got to go and hang out on the beach every day which was awesome. It was a good time to hang out and talk with people, play games and play guitar. 

Generally, going to camp was a super good experience despite it not being something I would usually do. I'm proud of myself for getting out of my comfort zone and I hope to be able to return and help in the future. 

Another Day as a Russian Missionary

I haven't done this in a while so I thought you'd be interested. This is actually what a more "typical" day looks like for me.

11:45am: Arrive at the church building and get ready for my first English student.

12:00pm: Study with my first English student, a 14 year old girl who is here because her mother wants her to practice English while she's off school. Yeah, that makes for interesting times. It's a lot easier to study with people when they want to be here.

1:00pm: Alternately make noodles for lunch/eat them while calling my mom because I had news to share with her.

2:00pm: Another English student arrives. An older retired woman. She's very excited about English and though we are reading Luke, she enjoys talking about her life, travels and asking me questions. While she likes to talk, I'm not sure how interested in the Bible she is other than culturally.

3:00pm: My last student for the day arrives. A young businessman who has really good comprehension. This is my second meeting with him and we've started studying John. He tells me that it's interesting so far and he thinks everyone should read the Bible. I tell him that Christianity isn't just about going to church but about having a relationship with God.

4:00pm: I lay out clothes that people have donated to the church's "Second Hand" so that people can come look through them and take what they want.

5:00pm: I take care of some secretarial things. Writing blog entries, emails, Facebook communications

7:00pm: Choir rehearsal. This is the last rehearsal before our recording session on Saturday. We're making a CD to use for evangelism purposes. Once we're done with the recording, our summer break starts!

9:00pm: Head to McDonald's because I only had a quick lunch, no dinner and I'm starving!

10:00pm: Arrive home where I read, hang out, talk to friends in the states and relax.

Those Random Spiritual Gifts

You know which ones I'm talking about. Or that moment when you're like "That's my spiritual gift?!" Let me just say, God definitely does have a sense of humor.

If you told me a year or a year and a half ago that I had a spiritual gift for children I would've laughed at you. A lot. Because honestly, I couldn't see it. I'm still not sure I can. Maybe it's not exactly a spiritual gift, but it's something.

The reason I laugh about it is because children hate strongly dislike me. The feeling is sometimes mutual. I've never been one of those young women who children just flock to. Let me tell you, those are the women with the true spiritual gift for children. The ones who are just born to be motherly and have like six kids. The ones who know exactly what a child needs the minute it opens its mouth to cry. You know what I mean. There's at least one in every congregation. So if you know me, you know it's not me. Children and I avoid share an aloofness of each other. This partly stems from several experiences during my teenage years when I tried to be one of those girls who played with kids. It went something like this:

Me: Hey! Come give me a hug!
Kid: NO! *runs screaming in the other direction*

So I decided it was best for all involved if I just stopped trying. In addition, because I do not seem to possess this innate automatic sense of motherliness that so many women my age instinctively have, children terrify me cause me anxiety. The words "Will you hold the baby?" or "Will you watch him for a second?" strike fear into the depths of my heart. Because I just know I'm going to do something terrible to little Johnny or Susie somehow in the five minutes that mommy is gone. Okay, so I haven't dropped anyone on their head yet, but it's still an anxiety.

This is the relationship children and I have: They do not know I exist and I tend to watch them from afar. It works pretty well. And back home that was all I needed. Yeah, I helped Mom in the nursery class but outside of that there were plenty of other girls ready and willing to step in and partake of the childcare. Then I came to Russia. Suddenly, here I am, the one with free time and I become a baby sitter. "Can you watch Varya while I'm at driving school?" "Will you hold Ilya while I put this food in the oven?" And suddenly it's like my superpowers manifest themselves. I must've had a radioactive pacifier as a kid or something...

Because here we have the girl who doesn't do kids suddenly doing kids. And it's really strange. A crying baby put into my arms will stop. Like it's uncanny. Once children who pay no attention to me realize I exist, I'm like the coolest thing ever. I actually don't understand it. Both Sasha and Zhenya tell me that their children love "Totya Abigail" and after playing with Joel and Yana's kids during the marriage group after church yesterday I think I've become their daughter's new best friend.

I guess what puzzles me the most about this curse gift is that I don't understand why it happens. It's not like the more time I spend with kids the less anxiety they give me. I mean, it gets easier and I'm more comfortable once I get to know a kid or baby, but then every time I have to interact with kids who I've never interacted with before, the anxiety starts up all over again. It's almost like being back in school. "I don't know how to act. What if they don't like me? What if I can't connect with them? What if I do a terrible job?" I mean, I understand that kids are pretty flexible but still, it all comes out.

I'm still trying to get used to this gift, or whatever it is. Honestly, I'm not sure what exactly I'm supposed to do with it. I thought about getting myself some tights, a cape and a utility belt filled with bottles and pacifiers, but I'm not sure how well that would go over in reality...

God's Little Reminders

For those who don't know, my parents came to visit me last week. 

It was an interesting experience.

It was really fun to get to take a bit of a break and see things I've gotten used to through new eyes. It was also really nice to pretend that I wasn't in Russia and be a tourist for a while. I mean, obviously I'm still in Russia, but while they were here, I could kind of let go of the constant underlying stress that goes along with living here. 

I even got to stay at the hotel for a few nights, sleeping on the most comfortable rollaway bed I've ever experienced.(And trust me, I've experienced quite a few rollaway beds in my time.) But unfortunately, like all good things, it came to an end. 

Then I had culture shock. 

I know, right? It's really strange to think about. When my parents came it was strange because they were doing things that would've been fine in American culture, but were out of context in Russia. When they left it was like a slap in the face. *SMACK!* HEY! YOU LIVE IN RUSSIA DUMMY!

The hardest thing was going back to my room. Because now matter how you look at it, I'm living in someone else's house. What's even more difficult is that my landlady has had one of her daughters and two grandchildren staying there for the past week or so. This kind of changes the atmosphere of the apartment and strange people always cause me stress. 

So I'm at this point where I'm like "How am I going to be able to go back to living here for the next four months?" I don't *want* to live here for the next four months. I was really cranky about it the last two days too. *Grumblegrumble*yeahit'sherapartmentbutIwanteveryonetojustgoawayandleavemealone.

Yesterday I'm hanging up laundry in the hall and the little boy is playing with the silverware and his mom is alternately cooking dinner and screaming at him. You think I'm exaggerating. It's like the woman has two volumes. Screaming and super quiet. I mean, I can understand her being frustrated with the kid, but first he's just little and second your screaming is really unnecessary. 

I had an appointment this morning and when I came back my landlady and the guests were up. The little grandson stared at me as I came in and took off my jacket. My landlady reassured him and was like "Say hello to Auntie", but it was clear he was rather terrified of me. In Russia, any unknown man or woman are automatically called "Aunt" or "Uncle" by children. Older men and women are "Grandmother" and "Grandfather." I really enjoy getting to be an aunt of sorts.

In preparation to go to English group I pulled down half my laundry and put it away and was coming back for the second half when the little boy kicked a ball at me. I spent the next few minutes kicking it around with him while he just giggled and giggled. Apparently he got over his terror. (I'm also beginning to think God gave me a weird spiritual gift for children which is funny 'cause I'm not a huge kid person) So there we are playing a bit until his toddler attention span kicks off and away he goes. 

I finished getting ready and I leave my room to get my jacket and shoes on. While I'm standing there my new little friend shows up again, babbling incomprehensibly. The next thing I know, he pulls his jacket off the shelf and holds it up for me to help him into it. Little guy wanted to go with him. I explained that he needed to stay home and he disappeared into my landlady's room. I finished getting my stuff and just as I was closing the door behind me I hear a little voice go "AUNTIE!"

Today was a reminder. Even though I've been frustrated with the people in the apartment and living there, as I was pulling my laundry off the line there was something very comforting about my landlady's daughter greeting me as she came out of the bathroom, the sound of cartoons from the TV and people just getting ready for the day. There was joy in just taking a few minutes to play ball with a little boy. I don't know the details of his family or home, know he's probably too young to even remember me when I leave, but I do know that maybe, in a tiny way today I made an impression on his life. A young woman who took a moment to play with him. 

See Abigail Sing: A Children's Story

Meet Abigail.
Abigail lives in Russia.
Russia is a big country.
See Abigail sing.
Sing, Abigail, Sing!
Abigail sings alto.
Abigail sings in Russian
Abigail does not know alto.
Do not ask her to sing alto in a song she does not know.
Do not ask her to sing alto for any songs in English.
Abigail does know Russian.
Yay Abigail!

See the choir.
Abigail sings with the choir.
Abigail used to be the only alto who came to choir regularly.
She sang and sang.
See the choir prepare for their performances.
The choir will go to Minsk!
Abigail wanted to go to Minsk.
But she needs a visa.

See Abigail look up consulate information.
See Abigail try to get help with documents
See the time pass.
See the choir try to help Abigail with her visa.
Abigail is tired of thinking about visas in any country.
Some people think Abigail needs a letter of invitation.
Some people think she does not.
Does Abigail need a letter of invitation?
Yes! Yes she does!

Abigail finds this out ten days before the choir leaves.
Abigail decides not to go to Minsk.
But people want Abigail to go to Minsk.
They continue trying to help her get a visa.
Abigail needs stamps in her passport proving she has left Russia.
They do not do stamp passports at the Belorussian border.
Abigail will not go to Minsk.
She will go to Estonia.
She does not need a visa for Estonia.
Abigail is kind of okay with that.

The World Premiere

A month or so ago Luke pulled me aside and asked me if I wanted to sing alto for an ensemble that she and Igor (One of our preachers) were trying to create. Apparently all the other altos they'd talked to were busy or weren't in-shape singing wise. I was quite honored to be asked and so I agreed.

It was a very interesting life choice.

I actually enjoy the ensemble more than I do choir. I'm not sure if it's the music, or the people involved, or the challenge. Let me tell you what, the ensemble has been a challenge. For those of you who don't know, singing as one of four people is completely different than singing with a group. Just saying. If I thought it was hard just being in choir, this is more intense.

Again, not only do I have to memorize songs in Russian, Alto parts, and correct singing posture and breathing, but also some of the songs we sing in ensemble are a lot more complex than what we sing in choir. In addition, (This is partly because we only had a month to prepare for the Easter season) we had to learn the parts quickly and we have to make sure they sound good. In choir if you don't know the part, you can just not sing as loud and it's okay, but in the ensemble, every part counts.

Having said all that, today was a big day for our little quartet. It was our first performance. We were invited to go to a hospice for children with cancer and sing for them. Originally there were supposed to be five children there, but some were away so there were only two. We thought about rescheduling but then decided since we had planned on it, we should go. So we did.

It was worth the trip. At first, it was a little awkward. I think the staff and kids were a little wary of us and I know, I was a little wary of them. I'd been nervous ahead of time because I'm not good with very ill people, hospitals, nursing homes, things of that nature and so I wasn't quite sure what to expect at the hospice. It was a nice place though, a big three story house that felt nothing like any of the above-mentioned places. It was even hard to believe that the kids we met belonged in hospice.

My adrenaline was up as well because of the whole performance thing. There were some places that I messed up, pretty badly. But the important thing was that we were there and we were singing. By the end of it, I was more relaxed and the singing came easier.

We sang for about twenty minutes, then we took pictures and then we had chai. One of the kids who was there today was a 14 year old girl named Sasha. It was really fun to get to talk with her. She seemed interested in the fact that I was American and had some questions for me. I forget that it's kind of an interesting thing to be a foreigner since the people at church have gotten to know me, and I've gotten used to being here so I don't really feel foreign. We took gifts for the kids as well. Little candy bouquets and Easter Chicks that Luka's roommate made, and then we took them each a little craft kit as something fun for them to do.

Our little group was very well pleased with the way things went and we hope we were able to bless the kids and the staff at the hospice. I know being able to sing for them was definitely a blessing and encouragement for me.

We're planning on going back next Friday when hopefully the rest of the kids will be there.  

A Trip to Gatchina

Yesterday was kind of rough. I was soooo tired. By soooo tired, I mean a lot more tired than usual. Part of it was because Sunday night I did a really smart thing. I started a book at midnight. You'd think I'd know better by now, not to start books late in the evening because what happens? Well, the night stretches onward and I think "oh I can finish this" and then I stay up until 3:30 in the morning doing just that. Which is what happened Sunday night. This phenomenon is especially bad if it's a shorter, or YA novel. But I digress.

So, I already had that working against me. Then there was the fact that I had to be up early to go out to Luka's for our Monday-Wednesday Bible study. Usually we meet at the church on Mondays, but Luka had a day off yesterday instead of Wednesday and so we met at her apartment. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem for me except that Mondays are the days I have like four back-to-back English studies from 3-7pm. Then Bible Study. Add in the morning metro trip and Bible study and it was like "ugh"

On top of all these factors, I was tired from the weekend as well. On Sunday, our Choir traveled to a town about 40 minutes south of St. Petersburg called Gatchina. There is a congregation there and so we went and sang. It was a good time and I really enjoyed getting to see somewhere new and meeting new people.

Actually, the whole trip to Gatchina was an experience in itself. Originally, Natasha and I were going to leave from the island and meet a group of the girls at the Moskovskaya metro station. From there we planned on taking an hour-long bus ride out to Gatchina. Natasha called me about twenty minutes before we were supposed to meet and asked if I'd rather go by car. I said sure and thus the adventure began.

We traveled with Sergei Y. This is why I love Russia, because even the simplest thing is an adventure.

I get in the car and we start to drive.
Me: "Yay! We're going to Gatchina! This is so exciting!"
Natasha: "Well actually, we're not going to Gatchina yet. First we have to go to the train station, then we have to go to Brad and Lena's then we have to stop at Sergei's. Then we're going to Gatchina."
Me: "Why are we going to Brad and Lena's?"
Natasha: "To drop off Misha and Tanya"
Sergei: "We're picking Misha and Tanya up at the train station."
Me: "oooh... Cool!"

Tanya and Misha are Russian missionaries. As in they are Russian and they are Missionaries. While I had never met them, I had heard of them. They spent the last two years on a ship sailing around Africa distributing Bibles, literature and I'm not sure what else. They finished what they were doing back in February and came to St. Petersburg for the week to visit and take care of some business.

So we went to the train station to meet them which was fun (Again, the whole meeting new people thing), then we drove them to Brad and Lena's where they're staying this week. After that, we went to Sergei's where his wife fed us some amazing borsch and chai. After that we finally left for Gatchina.

All this stopping and whatnot made our arrival at the church later than we were supposed to be, which probably gave Luka some internal stress, but it worked out and we sang and then had church service. On the way back, I gave up my seat in the car to Luka and took the bus. Again, another adventure. I got home around 9 and it was strange but I felt like I'd only just left. But it was a good time.

Oh and another reason I was kind of groggier than usual yesterday is because I was awoken at 8am to the sounds of my landlady and a strange man discussing something very loudly as the stood in my neighbor's room. I found out later she's getting the apartment windows replaced. Which led to me waking up earlier than usual today. But that is a story for another time.

Love Feast

We did something a little different for church yesterday. I was quite a fan.
:
March 8th, Russia celebrated International Women's Day. Because of this day, Thursday and Friday were days off and Sunday became a working day. As a result, instead of our usual service at noon, the time was changed to 6:30pm.

The men prepared and organized a dinner. Tables were set up in the Zal and when it was time to start worship, we took seats at these tables with scrumptious food in front of us.

Assembling for the Love Feast

Brother Konstantin Zhigulin led us in a prayer and a song, then informed us it was time to eat. There was a rice/vegetable/chicken dish, juice and bread. We ate and talked.

After eating, we were led in a few more songs and then had communion and offering. Finally, Brother Oleg Yakimenko gave us the lesson, preaching about women and their role and importance.

I was a huge fan of the Love Feast, and not just because I like it when congregations mix things up once in a while. It wasn't just like a potluck, or a meal eaten together, it was more formal than that because the meal was part of the worship. Yet it wasn't so formal that it felt stiff like a ritual. It felt natural, right and good.

And there's something about sitting across from each other at tables for worship that makes you focus on your brothers and sisters, rather than just what's going on up front in a typical forward facing manner. And there's something more significant when you're passing communion trays back and forth across the table. It's more like family.

That's the way it's supposed to be. 

Sunday School Pays Off

Mondays and Wednesdays are quickly becoming my favorite day of the week. Luka has a nephew named Anton who came to church with his wife a while back. He was interested in studying English and the Bible. So he, Luka and I started to meet last week. We're studying the book of Mark.

Our Bible studies are in the morning and on Mondays we meet at the church while on Wednesdays we meet at Luka's apartment. I can't tell you exactly why I enjoy it. Maybe it's getting together and having chai, maybe it's because in English, maybe it's because this is the one Bible in English group that I feel like I don't have to really prepare for. It just seems effortless. Or maybe because I'm just kind of a discussion moderator and the other two do the rest. Or perhaps it just feels like a "legit" Bible study.

You know what I think it is. I think maybe because it feels less to me like I'm "Teaching" and more like a group of friends just getting together to read and talk about the Bible. I like that. It's kind of like I can just relax and we can study together.

It's also giving me a chance to talk about my faith and what I believe and you know what I've discovered? It's not really that scary. Especially when you're already studying the Bible anyway. For example, Anton's friend Roma joined us this past Monday. He had a lot of questions about what we were reading. One was about sacrafice. He wanted to know about why the Jews were sacraficing things. It gave me a chance to explain Old Testament sacrifices and how Jesus came and was the perfect sacrafice for us and so we don't need to sacrifice animals anymore. Luka also explained how every action had a price and in the Old Testament the price for doing wrong was having to sacrifice an animal.

By the way parents, this is why you and your children should attend Sunday School. Biblically we are told that we need to study scripture so we can be prepared to answer questions. Part of the reason talking and sharing about Biblical things isn't as hard as I thought it would be is because I've spent a long time attending Bible class, youth rallies and listening to sermons. I'm not discounting self-study. Obviously that's a huge part of one's relationship with God, but I'm also saying that Sunday School and sitting through church are valuable as well.

Oh and all that time in an a capella church where my mom sang with me and my aunt sat with me, helping my  finger follow the notes as we went has finally paid off as well, but that's a story for a different post. 

Another Slice of Life

My coat crackles and the snow squeaks under my boots as I make my way to the church. We've been having deep cold in St. Petersburg. It reminds me of Yakutsk. Back home my friends and family are running around in t-shirts. Figures.

Inside the church building, there is a trail of dirty, wet boot prints leading up the stairs. My white gloves are slowly turning black. Welcome to Russia. This is why I keep a pair of tennis shoes at the building. Well that and my boots get hot. I only wear them all day on Sundays.

Yesterday evening Luka and I went to meet a babushka at the metro. She's been having a rough time. We take her some money and a Bible. When we get to the metro stop she's waiting for us. Almost as soon as she sees Luka she starts crying and big tears roll down her weathered cheeks. I don't know what to do so I pat her arm and hand her a kleenex. Sometimes that's all you can do. Her eyes light up when we give her the Bible. I hope she reads it.

The internet randomly turned off in the apartment yesterday. Again. I could've played with the router and things. I would've eventually figured it out. Instead, I play the Damsel in Distress card on my neighbor, Dima. "The internet isn't working," I say. "Can you fix it?" He turns the router off and back on. It works. I feel dumb.

I am watching the men empty the dumpsters on my way home after choir practice. It is a giant garbage bag with a dumpster lid that they are putting into the frame. I don't see the patch of ice and I slip and fall. The garbage man stares at me.

When I peel off my jeans and leggings at home, I see my knee is scraped and bleeding. I am more upset about my jeans getting dirty. I literally just washed them.

Tomorrow we are showing the movie Groundhog Day at the church building. I worry no one will come.

The Grass is Greener

So here's the irony about my trip to Kharkov to visit with the mission team there.

Before I left there were some things that, I wasn't really complaining about, but that I would've liked to be different in regards to the mission work I'm doing.

First off, there was a part of me that at times thought it would be a lot nicer to be working with a church plant rather than an established congregation. Why? Because I felt like there would be more for me to do, more ways to reach out, to get involved. Not that I don't do anything at Neva, but sometimes you don't feel like you're being effective or really doing anything.

Secondly, I thought it would be awesome if there was a team here. Or, rather, that I was part of a team. It would be so nice to have the support of a group of same-culture people who had shared experiences and could be there when I got down. In turn, I could help and support them. And we could all work together to help the church here.

So I went to Kharkov because I wanted to learn about the work the team was doing there and one of the biggest things I learned is that the grass is always greener. I mean, we knew this already, but it's interesting in the way it was reinforced. I think God was trying to tell me something because I had several conversations with people that specifically addressed these specific things.

I learned that being on a team has its own set of problems. Sometimes it can cause you to want to stay insulated with the people who are like-cultured. Sometimes it can keep you from interacting more with natives. And as with any family, sometimes you have to do things you'd rather not  in order to accommodate your teammates. It's a give and take.

One evening, I was talking with some different people about what they liked and didn't like about working in Kharkov. One person specifically said "Sometimes I wish we were working with an established congregation instead of a church plant. I think there'd be more for us to do" which again made me stop and think. The irony was not lost on me. And I think I even said something about how sometimes I wished the opposite.

I'm not saying people who go on teams or on church plants are wrong or should do it a different way. Nor am I saying the way I'm doing it is the best way either. What I'm saying is that the most important thing I learned is to be content. God put me here for a reason and he put the team in Kharkov for a reason and though there are times we all want things to be different, the bottom line is that there are advantages and disadvantages to every situation. So we need to take a step back and look at those things.

Besides, at the end of the day the most important thing is that God is glorified and people come to know him. After all, that is our ultimate goal. 

The Great Ukrainian Adventure

Oi my hoodness.

I got back from the "Great Ukrainian Adventure" last night. Three weeks is entirely too long. However, it was a busy three weeks but not in a bad way. It was really great to have an opportunity to relax a bit and not have to think or worry about things. Once I got my visa application in that is. I'm going to be doing a separate post on the visa process when I get a chance

I felt very much New Testamenty because during my time in both Kharkov and Kiev I stayed with families in the church. Before my trip, I wasn't sure how I felt about doing that, but honestly it was a really good experience. I recommend doing it. It gets you connected to the church, you have people to hang out with and the common experiences of being a Christian and (in this case) being missionaries makes for good times.

I stayed with the Noyes family in Kiev. Since it was over Orthodox Christmas, we had an awesome dinner on the 6th. During this dinner, I met a couple of girls from the congregation and we hit it off. Since I had to wait for the consulate to open and the girls had time off work due to holidays I got to spend some awesome times hanging out with them. It was great to just kick back and have a great time.

On January 10th the consulate opened so I went in the morning to drop off my visa paperwork. As I mentioned, a more detailed blog post will be forthcoming. Despite my fears to the contrary, everything went smoothly and I was told to come back on the 24th to pick my visa up.

The evening of the 10th, I took a train to Kharkov to meet with a group of American missionaries there and spend some time with them. The first two days in the city, I did nothing but rest since I was trying to get over a cold. It was actually a really good couple of days. I read, and slept, and ate. I'm really grateful to the Price family for letting me crash at their place and for feeding me tastiness. Once I felt better, I got involved with some of the activities that the church is doing there.

It was great because there was no pressure. I could participate or not as I chose (As it turned out, I very much enjoyed participating in everything I was invited to) but there was no pressure to have to participate in anything. It was a great vacation. For real.

The trip also gave me some different life experiences. I became more confident with my Russian, I got experience riding on trains, and most valuable of all, I got to see how some other churches on this side of the world function and the things they're trying to do in order to reach out.

After spending about ten days in Kharkov, I headed back to Kiev. They were having a seminar for unmarried women about how to avoid problems on the path to marriage. In other words, how to make good life choices when it comes to guys. Even though I'd heard a lot of the information before thanks to my mom and the church people back home, hearing it in Russian put a new perspective on things. Plus I feel like now I'm at a stage in my life where the information is more useful to me and I'm more willing to apply it.

Through this seminar, I got to know some other girls from the congregations in Kiev and again, it was fun although by this time, I was getting pretty tired. Thankfully, Monday I had a chance to relax and recover. Tuesday, I gathered my things and in the afternoon picked up my visa from the consulate (again without problems). Then I took an evening train from Kiev to Moscow.

Let me tell you the one advantage trains have to planes is at least you feel like you're going somewhere. With a plane, not so much. But the train ride back was super super long. Too long. I left Kiev at 6pm. I arrived in Moscow at 9:30 the next morning. Then, at 1pm I took another train to arrive in St. Petersburg about 10pm. I was so ready to get off the train and just be done when I got in.

I was also really excited to get back to Piter. I'd really missed the city and more importantly, I'd really missed my church family here. It was a good trip, like I said, and I really needed the break but at the same time three weeks was too long. 

Christmastime is Here

Or rather it was.
Russians don't celebrate Christmas like the west. Here, the big holiday is New Year's and when people do celebrate Christmas is pretty much a religious holiday and is celebrated on January 7th. (The Orthodox church still goes by the old calendar) however people here are aware of the Western Christmas tradition.

I told Joel the other day that the last time I was in Russia I felt like I had no holidays because Russian holidays are different than American holidays and I didn't have tradition for Russian holidays. He made the good point that I now have the advantage of being able to celebrate all the holidays. This means that my holidays started December 24th and extend until January 7th. I know you're all jealous.

So how did I pass American Christmas? Well, it was interesting times, that's for sure. I had decided that since December 24th was Christmas eve, I was taking the day off to celebrate.  (When you work for God you can do that sort of thing. You know, decide when you're going to have time off and such. Yeah it's pretty much awesome) The only problem was, I wasn't sure how to celebrate. You know, since stuff here doesn't start for another week. Usually when I have a day off I'll do something like wander in the city or go window shopping or something but since this was Christmas eve, I wanted to do something...well... Christmas-y. Like watch a Christmas movie in English or something. The only problem: I have no idea where to do that sort of thing in St. Petersberg. I was rescued however from complete Christmas blues by having connections.

There are three nice young computer guys who attend the discussion club I lead at American Corners. The last time I lead discussion club, they all left me their email addresses in case I ever had some technical problems. I had gathered from things they'd said that they are all three very interested in English and have been to many English events in the city. So I pulled out their email addresses the week before Christmas and basically said "Hey, I'm looking for something to do for Christmas eve. Any ideas?"

Not long after sending the email out, I got a reply saying the American Council for Education (Or something like that) was having a Christmas party, they were going and I was welcome to come. I agreed and I also invited Marina from church. So on the appointed day we met and off we went.

It was epic times. We watched "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" and played getting to know you games and other silly little games and it was just fun. I had been a little worried that I would still have to feel like I was "on" or "working" but I didn't at all. I got to relax, kick back, laugh and almost forget that I'm in Russia. Afterwards, our little group wandered around looking for a suitable cafe in which to hang out. We settled on Pizza Hut which turned out very well. I hadn't had "real" pizza since coming here and so it was nice to have some. We all shared a pizza and I complemented it with "Unlimited Lemonade" Yeah, it was a good night. Not only that, but it was great to just hang out at the cafe and talk about all kinds of different subjects. Even though I was in a Pizza Hut in Russia, speaking Russian, and surrounded by foreignness, it just felt... normal. Like "This is what I do, it's just in a different place and language now."

I find it a lot easier to reconcile into one person who I am this time around. On exchange there were times I felt completely Russian. Here, I know that I'm different. But it's okay. I'm not an American. I'm not Russian. I can operate with ease in both cultures. I'm a Christian woman with a U.S. passport who lives in St. Petersburg and speaks Russian. But also English. That's who I am and honestly, I think I have the best of both worlds. Actually, being in St. Petersburg makes me feel more like a "citizen of the world" rather than of one country (Maybe it's cliche, but it's true)

Christmas day, our Choir performed at the end of the church service. It was my first experience actually performing with the choir and so that was fun. After church, I was invited for Christmas dinner at the Petty apartment. That was a lot of fun and again, I could kind of kick back and embrace my American self a little more. We were also visited by Grandfather Frost who brought presents for the three Petty children. Here in Russia, children kind of have to earn their presents. Grandfather Frost comes and the kids have to guess riddles, sing and recite poetry for him. It's really cute. To my surprise, Grandfather also had a present for me. It was a heart pillow with huggy arms to remind me that I am loved by God and by people here. It was the perfect present.

After our meal (which was also attended by Zhenya, Sergei and baby Varya) and some fun conversation, we all returned to our respective homes. I spent the rest of the evening watching "A Christmas Story" and crocheting.

All in all, I would say it was a very successful Christmas and I immensely enjoyed it. Now I'm gearing up for round two as I'm attending the New Year party that's taking place at the Church on Saturday. Then after that it's off to Ukraine! Busy busy times! 

Everyday Life

I walked to the Gulf of Finland today. I know, right? Let me say it again. I walked to the Gulf of Finland today. Why? Just because I could. Well that and because I drank half a liter of Coke at McDonald's and wanted to walk off the caffeine. Speaking of McDonald's it's always crowded in Russia. I was sitting at a table enjoying just being by myself when three teenage boys asked if they could sit there too since there was no room. I am not exaggerating this either. Each boy had on his tray a Big Mac, A Big and Tasty, Six Chicken Nuggets, a Medium Fry and a medium drink. And those sandwiches are about the same as they are in the states. Yeah. It was ridiculous. I told them so too. Or rather I told them we didn't even eat like that in America (And Americans stereotypically eat a lot) The one young man's reply was that this was Russia. Can't argue with that.

I feel like my point in writing all this is that living here is a place of contrasts. I'm not just talking about the culture, but my point is that on the one hand it's everyday life. I brush my teeth, I buy groceries, I do laundry, I go to work. On the other hand, I'm doing it in Russia. Not just in Russia, but in St. Petersburg. So the contrast is you have things like "I went walking on Nevsky prospect today, I went to Kazan Cathedral, Oh yeah, that's the Palace Square where the Hermitage is. No biggie."

I don't always write about the big things that go on, because honestly for me it's more about the every day stuff. It's about working with Sergei, Galina Mikhailovna and Marina to prepare dinner for Poisk. It's about sitting with Sasha, baby Ilya and Marina just having a nice conversation. The little everyday things. And it may sound cool because it's happening in Russia but people are people and somethings never change.

For example, yesterday I was leading a discussion about American Christmas Traditions at the American Corner (Which is a place where people interested in learning and practicing English can go and attend different events such as movie showings, reading clubs, singing clubs etc. to help them practice) At the end of said discussion I had one gentleman inform me that his son was 26 and basically told me I should marry him. And I thought that sort of thing wouldn't happen once I left the states. Guess I was wrong. ha ha.

I think maybe that's the whole point of my sporadic blog posts. I feel like when I was on exchange, I tried my best to show not only the awesome cool parts of exchange, but the seamy underbelly as well. It's the same with this mission work. Yeah it's so cool to be like "Hey! I'm serving God overseas and look at all the cool stuff I get to do!" But a lot of times missionaries don't talk about how hard it can be. How lonely. As I told one of my friends from college the other day, I have never felt so close to God yet at the same time so far away from him. It's kind of a weird feeling.

Anyway, I don't want to end on a depressing note. Feeling down isn't something that happens everyday. And it's something that happens a lot less here than it did in Yakutsk. Not only that but I'm a lot better at handling it this time around. I just have nice long chats with God and try to find the good in being here. Honestly, this experience so far as been an amazing one and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

A Midsummer Night's Dialogue Reading With Pasta Salad and Strange Little Girls

Yup, the title says it all. It was just a really good day.

It started with me going to Natasha's school. I've been showing up there about once a week to interact with different English classes, usually Natasha's. The first few times I went, I gave presentations. Now, I read out loud and do dialogues with the kids so they can hear a native speaker. It's always interesting times. Today however, I was invited specially.

The 8th grade English class was putting on a short version of "A Midsummer Night's Dream." Alla Vasilevna, one of the English teachers called me over the weekend to invite me. I said I would come and was so glad I did. You could tell the kids put a lot of effort into memorizing their English lines and practicing the emotions and things. Although sometimes they smashed the English words together so they were hard to understand, they did an amazing job. It was hilarious and I really enjoyed myself.

After the play, I had tea with Natasha and then I attended her 5th grade class. We read about "My Favorite Town" they were really excited to get to read with me. The best part about class today was that the classroom we were in is one of the math classes and the math teacher was sitting in the back grading papers. Afterwards, she came up and was talking to Natasha and I, asking about me. The woman wasn't sure why I wasn't properly interacting with the students and things. Natasha explained that I was a guest. The woman didn't get it. Finally Natasha explained that I wasn't a teacher. I was a guest and friend from America who was helping in class today. The woman thought this was interesting. She said that she thought I might be foreign but then she wasn't sure because I said a few things in Russian. So that made me feel good.

The day was also good because I successfully made an interesting sort of macaroni salad. I've been experimenting with cooking since coming here and am surprised how much I enjoy it. I think because if I were cooking at home, I'd follow recipes all the time. Here, I don't so it gives me a chance to be creative and see what does and doesn't work. My salad was macaroni, cucumber, crab and mayo. I was pretty proud of it.

Finally, the day was good because of this evening. On Tuesday nights a group of Christian Businessmen meet in our church building. Generally, they meet in the room that's my "office" so I have to be out before they come at 6:30. Today on my way out, I forgot to take the tupperware with me to put salad in to take home to eat tomorrow. So I was waiting for the meeting to get done so I could get salad and go home. The thing is, they were taking forever. There was a little girl there this evening with her mom and she was wandering up and down the halls and playing in the nursery. At one point I was like "Hi!" but she didn't say anything. So I went about my business.

The next thing I know, I'm in the kitchen playing Bejeweled on my iPod and I feel these eyes on me.  The little girl is literally standing in the doorway just staring at me. And Staring. So I look up and smile. She smiles back, I go back to my game, but I can feel her continuing to stare at me. It was really awkward. I was finally like "Can I help you?" She didn't respond.

So then I smiled at her a few more times and went about my business. At one point she was kind of following me around and so I turned around and teasingly scared her. Then I felt bad. I wasn't trying to make her go away, I was just playing.

Eventually, I asked her if she'd found the toys in the nursery. She said yes. I asked her if she wanted a cookie. She said no. Finally, she got up the nerve to ask me what my name was. I told her. I then asked her grade and name. She told me. Then she ran off. I continued getting my stuff together. A few minutes later, she was back asking me to repeat my name. I did and she ran off again. By this time I was pretty much ready to go and had successfully gotten my salad packed up. As I was walking past the business men, the little girl was talking to her mom and was like "That's Abigail"

So I stopped to talk to the mom and she remarked on the uniqueness of my name. I explained it was a Bible name and then she must've heard my accent because she was like "Oh, you're not Russian?" "No, I'm American. I work in the church." "Oh, I see. Your Russian is really good." "Thank you." We said it was nice to meet each other and then off I went to find Luka and Natasha with whom I usually walk home.

On our way home, we found ourselves behind a group of the businessmen including the woman and the little girl. The woman again complemented my Russian and asked how I knew it so well. I explained that I had lived in Yakutia. "Oh. Wow." Yeah. Saying that usually gets interesting comments.

But in any case, all of these things combined put me in a really good mood. I felt the need to share it because I feel like I'd been kind of "blah" of late. I'm also kind of excited because I'm working from home tomorrow. I have to do a presentation about Christmas for the American Corners on Saturday and I'm using Prezi which doesn't seem to like the wi-fi connection at the church. So am going to do it here. This also gives me an excuse to continue to rest my bruised knee which I hurt on Sunday. But anyway, life is good.

2 months?!

I'm starting my third month here. Which is kind of weird for me actually. As Zhenya N. put it at the women's meeting yesterday. "You've only been here two months? It seems like you've been here a lot longer. You're already one of us."

When Americans come for example it's kind of interesting. I do things like help interpret and such, but I'm not actually one of them because I live here. I belong here. I know people,  I work here, I'm part of the rhythm of life. It feels like I've been here a lot longer, but not in a bad way. I keep busy. For the most part, things are going pretty well. I mean, I have down times of course. I'm at that point. The point where I get tired of people, tired of giving, tired of not always understanding, tired of not getting jokes, tired of sometimes being treated like I don't know anything. But this too shall pass.

What's been happening? Well, generally the same old same old. I study English with a few people, the other day I did a transcription of a clip in English for a woman who's a Christian and teaches English. It's the same woman whose class I visited during Thanksgiving where I had a great time. I'm going back to visit them again on the 12th. Hoping to make some connections that way.

I volunteered to lead a discussion group at the American Corner this Saturday and next. Basically, people who want to practice English come and participate in the various events they have. This week I'm doing a presentation about myself. Next week I'll probably present about Christmas. Again, trying to find ways to make connections with people.

I'm going to be taking a trip to Ukraine for purposes of visa acquisition in January. Going to leave right after the holidays and have a little holiday of my own. Honestly though I'm rather stressed about having to go. It's traveling on my own in a foreign country I'm not used to. For two weeks. Hoping to find some people to connect with through the church who will help me out with a place to stay. We shall see how that goes.

The good news is that I'm not too terribly upset about not being home for the holidays. I mean, yeah it's kind of sad that I'm not going to be there, but it's also okay. I mean, I'm on my own, don't have a family or anything and honestly in some ways I'm not much of a holiday person anyway. So it doesn't really feel like they're coming. And the holidays are a little different when you're an adult anyway.

That's the other thing. It's fun being an adult, but sometimes it's just a pain. Today for example. I realized that I'm out of food pretty much. It's like "Aw man, now I have to go shopping and then I have to fix myself food" Sometimes I just don't feel like it's convenient to stop to eat. Unfortunately, eating is kind of a necessity. It would be nice if I could get some kind of IV or drink so that I wouldn't have to stop and fix something.