Sunday, October 07, 2012

12 Hours

Twelveish hours from now, I will be on a plane leaving Russia.  Today was my last day at church. Yesterday was my last day in the city in the sense of walking around and seeing things.

The last couple weeks have been interesting. I don't know if I can really do a good job of describing the emotions that go along with it. Or lack thereof. 

For about a week and a half I was depressed. I didn't want to be social, it was difficult to even be at the church because it physically hurt. I spent the last year getting to know people and becoming part of the church family here and leaving them is really hard. 

I wasn't feeling numb exactly. My best friend told me that I sounded "dull" not dull as in "Oh gosh Abigail are you going to whine about leaving some more? how dull!" but dull as in my emotions exist but they aren't quite sharp or bright. 

I think some of the reason for this feeling is I feel like I haven't really had a chance to process it, or grieve. Every time I feel like I want to cry or get upset about leaving, I find myself controlling it. I imagine once I get home I'll feel like I can afford the luxury of being upset. 

People ask me what my next step is. Honestly, I have no idea. I have a better idea of what I want to be doing than before I came, but I still don't know what's going to work out. All I know is that I want to sleep for a while. Not the sleep of jet lag. That's a given. But I just feel weary. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically. Sleep sounds really good right now. Especially since I haven't been sleeping well nights the past two weeks, although that has gotten somewhat better. It's weird to think that this time "tomorrow" i.e. Eastern Time. I'll be home. Weird to think I'll be back in "my" culture, although I know it won't feel completely like mine. Not for a while. The past month or so, I've realized that people will post references to things on Facebook and I don't get them. I just look at it and am like "What in the world are they talking about." In a way it's kind of nice. Facebook "connects" people, not getting the cultural references makes me feel not connected. I actually don't mind the feeling. The world is too noisy sometimes.

Anyway, I guess that's really all I have to say about that. I feel like I didn't do a good job explaining my state of mind, but since I'm feeling a little surreal and a little dull, perhaps I can reflect on it better once I get home...