12 Hours

Twelveish hours from now, I will be on a plane leaving Russia.  Today was my last day at church. Yesterday was my last day in the city in the sense of walking around and seeing things.

The last couple weeks have been interesting. I don't know if I can really do a good job of describing the emotions that go along with it. Or lack thereof. 

For about a week and a half I was depressed. I didn't want to be social, it was difficult to even be at the church because it physically hurt. I spent the last year getting to know people and becoming part of the church family here and leaving them is really hard. 

I wasn't feeling numb exactly. My best friend told me that I sounded "dull" not dull as in "Oh gosh Abigail are you going to whine about leaving some more? how dull!" but dull as in my emotions exist but they aren't quite sharp or bright. 

I think some of the reason for this feeling is I feel like I haven't really had a chance to process it, or grieve. Every time I feel like I want to cry or get upset about leaving, I find myself controlling it. I imagine once I get home I'll feel like I can afford the luxury of being upset. 

People ask me what my next step is. Honestly, I have no idea. I have a better idea of what I want to be doing than before I came, but I still don't know what's going to work out. All I know is that I want to sleep for a while. Not the sleep of jet lag. That's a given. But I just feel weary. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically. Sleep sounds really good right now. Especially since I haven't been sleeping well nights the past two weeks, although that has gotten somewhat better. It's weird to think that this time "tomorrow" i.e. Eastern Time. I'll be home. Weird to think I'll be back in "my" culture, although I know it won't feel completely like mine. Not for a while. The past month or so, I've realized that people will post references to things on Facebook and I don't get them. I just look at it and am like "What in the world are they talking about." In a way it's kind of nice. Facebook "connects" people, not getting the cultural references makes me feel not connected. I actually don't mind the feeling. The world is too noisy sometimes.

Anyway, I guess that's really all I have to say about that. I feel like I didn't do a good job explaining my state of mind, but since I'm feeling a little surreal and a little dull, perhaps I can reflect on it better once I get home...

Reverse Culture Shock

My brother came home from China a couple of weeks ago. It's been interesting to see how he's been dealing with being back. He was in China for two years. He came back for about six weeks last summer and didn't seem to really have any major issues with returning to the states. I think this second year he got a lot more into the culture and Chinese life though, because it's been interesting having him back.

I had a really rough time when I first came back from my exchange year in Russia. I felt extremely strange, it felt like no one understood my thoughts, feelings or views. There were things here that just didn't make sense because I was used to the Russian way of doing them. It was weird. And it's been very interesting seeing reverse culture shock from this side.

It started when we went to Dollar General. My brother started completely freaking out in the grocery aisles. I asked him why. He explained it was because a lot of the American food they were selling was hard to come by in China, or they didn't have it at all and so to be faced with it all at once and having it be so cheap was a little overwhelming. I understood. My city in Russia never had a variety of brand or varieties of a product at once. When I came back from the states, the amount of variety we have here was rather unsettling.

My brother also found it weird that he could understand everything everyone was saying. While he is not fluent in Chinese, he was exposed to it every day and gained a decent amount of survival Chinese. He was used to being able to just kind of ignore what everyone around him was saying and think about other things. Here, he finds understanding everyone to be distracting.

He also laughs because "Everyone here has an accent." Meaning he is very attuned to the patterns in which people speak. I can definitely feel him on this one. When I came back from Russia, it was weird to hear all that english. I remember my parents were watching Good Eats on the Food Network when I came in the room. I stopped, listening to Alton Brown. After a moment I was like "I have to leave." My parents asked why and I explained that Alton Brown talks funny and it was driving me nuts.

There are other things too, such as his random fits of the giggles during worship services. I've mentioned this before but other countries don't take Christianity for granted like we do. As my brother put it, "Christianity is America's folk religion." Meaning that a lot of people are "Christian" because that's what we do here.

Anyway, those are just a few interesting examples of how my brother is adjusting back to life in the states. He asks me things like how long it will last, or mentions things that bother him. I just nod and tell him I understand. Other than that I don't know what to do. Talking about it with people who've been there helps. Aside from that, you just kind of have to work through it.

The Oddest Thing

It was the oddest thing. Last night I was laying in bed, and I was waiting to fall asleep. I do that a lot. Naturally, it's kind of boring to just lay there and wait to fall asleep, so I did what any smart person would, I started thinking. I was thinking about all kinds of random stuff and then suddenly I was thinking about how I should write Elena Ivanovna a letter, and I should e-mail Nina and maybe I should just call Elena Ivanovna, and then all of a sudden I remembered Yakutsk so clearly. It wasn't just picture memory, I remembered how it felt to be walking down the street, or standing at the crosswalk. I remembered the school, and I felt the cold, and the heat and the polar days, and the smells and the sounds. And I remembered obscure things that I hadn't thought of in months. I remembered going for Sushi after Graduation, and how they wouldn't let me into the library. I remembered sitting bored in school, and cramming on the bus. I remembered Elena Ivanovna's apartment and everything I learned from our evening chats, and then I was crying, and I couldn't stop and I'm trying to be quiet so I don't wake my roommate. I can't close my eyes because everytime I do I just remember more and my heart just aches and aches. When I woke up this morning it felt like I'd been hit by an ice cream truck.

Cynicism, Jealousy, and Influences

So, I've been thinking a lot about Russia the past few days. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I dreamed about Moscow, maybe it's that several of our District's future outbounds have IMed me over the last several days, or maybe it's because I've been following the blogs of several inbounds from various places. Most likely it's a combination of all of them.

I think Russia did something to me. Because I came back and while I encourage exchange students no matter where they're going, there's a part of me that has an almost superior attitude that borders on being cynical. It's like a part of me is like "Oh, yeah, you're going to [Insert Country Here] but it'll never be as good/hard/worthwhile as going to Russia." which is a stupid attitude to have. No Exchange is created equal. But then Russia's not for everyone either. I've been hearing from people who are in Russia now and they are complaining. Complaining about the same things I complained about, actually. And I want to slap them and tell them to get over it because that's just Russia. Russia seriously does things to you. It's an exchange where you hate it a lot. But then suddenly you realize how much you come to love and care for it, it gets under your skin so to speak, and once it does you can never forget it. I know I've probably said this before, but maybe I feel the need to explain because maybe this time someone will understand better what I mean. Or perhaps not.

I was thinking about why I would feel this way; Why do I go around with this attitude. I thought that maybe it has something to do with the fact that surviving Russia is an accomplishment, it's a particularly hard exchange. So part of me looks at other exchanges as 'wimpy' though that's not true as each country poses its own challenges. So I think it has to do with that, but at the same time I think a part of me is jealous. "Oh this person is in Spain and isn't homesick and is having the time of their life." Perhaps I'm jealous because that wasn't my exchange.

Please don't get the wrong impression. I loved my exchange with all its crazy ups and downs. I got to see some of the coolest things in the world got to experience things, learned a cool language. But I think the jealousy stems from the fact that my exchange wasn't roses and sunshine. I had to Work at my exchange. Whereas it sometimes seems like the people who pick other countries get there exchanges handed to them on a silver platter. That's part of the jealousy. The other part is that it's really depressing to read all these interesting stories of adventures that other people are having and have your adventure already be old news. It's one of the most depressing feelings in the world.

One of the blogs I've been reading is a friend of mine who's spending her exchange in a very well known European country. She's having a great time and in one of her recent blog posts, she mentioned all of the cultural things she was going to keep doing from her host country when she came back to America. A bittersweet feeling welled up within me as I read this. She doesn't yet realize how much you are influenced by the world around you, and how hard it is to do something out of cultural context.

When I was still in Russia I had determined that I was going to bring some cultural things back with me. I was going to kiss people when I greet them, I was going to eat Sour Cream on bread with jelly, I was going to continue to drink chai all hours of the day and I was going to answer the phone with "Allo?"

Since coming home I haven't eaten a single slice of bread and sour cream, I don't really kiss anyone on the cheek to greet them, I rarely drink chai. The first day I answered the phone and automatically said "hello" was rather traumatic and now when I pick up the phone if I don't consciously think about using "allo" half the time I say "hello." But these things have no context in this culture and so it's hard to keep doing them. Not doing these things is just another grim reminder that I'm not in Russia anymore and every day I'm forgetting, every day I'm losing something else.

Changes

I haven't updated in a while. For that I am sorry. People must actually follow this though because I started hearing rumblings about how I hadn't updated in a while and I should.

I left Russia six months ago. I know. It's weird. I can hardly believe how fast the time has gone by when it went so slowly in Russia. A lot has happened in the last six months and I think when I look back on it in the future. I am forever going to associate these six months with major changes in my life. Not just changes dealing with the people around me, but changes within myself as well.

I was decieved. Or maybe God was watching out for me, knew I wouldn't be able to handle it at first. You see, while I was still in Russia, there was a part of me that thought everything would be different when I got home. That my house would be different and my family would be different and people would have changed completely. This was true to some extent. I mean I come back and the five dollar bills are purple and McDonalds was now serving oven fresh cookies and one of my cousins turned into a tree. But I mean for all intents and purposes things were generally the same as they always were. Until recently.

The Thursday before Thanksgiving my mom called my cell phone while I was still in class. I called her back as soon as I got out. "Your Grandma isn't doing to well." Grandma had gone to live at the nursing home full time just before I got home because it was becoming too much work for my parents to take care of her themselves. "Do you want to come home?" And I didn't know if I should. "I have a class in twenty minutes. Can I think about it and call you after?" When I got out of Russian class, I called back. Mom told me she had discussed it with Dad and thought that since they were planning on getting me the next day anyway, I should just stay on campus. So I did. Just after eight the next morning my dad called to tell me that Grandma had passed away. In some ways, though it sounds odd to say it, it was good timing. My brother was coming out anyway because we hadn't seen each other in over a year. Hadn't seen each other at all since I got back from Russia. But it still made for a downer of a Thanksgiving. I mean it was really nice to be home with my family, but it was a long day, all I wanted to do was sleep because we'd been dealing with stuff for the funeral. (The funeral was the day before Thanksgiving.) At least it didn't happen while I was gone. That could've been very bad. When I left for Russia I was still unhappy with having my Grandma living with us even after two years. By the time I came back, I was okay with things, and I got to see Grandma several more times before she died.

Another thing that really hit me hard these past six months actually just happened recently. Over Christmas, my cousin, Aay, got engaged. You have to understand that neither Aay nor I have sisters. We are eleven months apart and grew up together. Lived next door and everything. She is as close to me as a sister. I'll never forget that phone call. I knew what she was going to say before she said it, and when she told me I was so excited for her. Yet at the same time I was so...weirded out. I mean we'd talked about marriage and stuff, all girls do. I knew she was pretty serious about this guy but for some reason them getting engaged always seemed like it was down the road years. Yet all of a sudden *BAM* here it is. I forget that we're adults now and capable of making adult decisions. For some reason I still think that we're 16 and 17. Sometimes it makes me sad that we're not.

I guess that's the main thing that I've come to realize the past six months. I'm not a kid anymore. Recently I read the book Little Women by Louisa May Alcott and I don't think it could've come at a better time. Jo goes through some of the same feelings and emotions that I've been going through as the things around her begin to change and she can do nothing about it. It scares me sometimes...How fast these six months have gone. It scares me that the whole rest of my life is going to go this fast. I don't want it to, but someone told me once that life just goes faster and faster. I haven't given up on my dreams yet, but I have come to understand that sometimes our dreams take a different shape than our childhood fantasies imagined.

Dealing With It

I recently got a Facebook message from one of my fellow Russian exchangers. She needed someone who understood and so told me how she was tired of people not listening to her view on Russian politics, of people implying that even though she spent nine months in country, she was too far from Moscow and therefore didn't really know the political situation in the country. That got me thinking about some of my own experiences and I decided to do this entry about it, so you would know. For those of you who may be reading this and are in Russia right now, this is what you have to look forward to. For any other exchangers who might be reading this, you will probably go through something similar. For the rest of you, I hope that by reading this, you get a better understanding.

It's really hard coming back from Russia. Not just because of the general leaving your second culture behind thing. It's hard because you don't realize how prejudiced Americans are against Russia until you get back and start facing it. It also doesn't help when barely two weeks after you get back, the front page of the newspapers are splashed with headlines about Russia invading Georgia. Immediately the questions started. "Were you in Russia when that happened?" "no." "Did you see this coming?" "Not really." And my least favorite of all: "What do you think of this whole situation." Apparently having just come back from Russia, Everyone wanted my opinion and my insight into the conflict. It quickly became my least favorite question though when I had several conversations that went sort of like this:
"What do you think about this whole thing?"
"Well, I think it's interesting."
"Yeah, Russia's so power hungry right?"
"Actually, you do realize that Georgia started it...?"
"What? No!"
"They invaded the Breakaway regions first."
"Yeah, but Putin is evil and power hungry and trying to grab up land!"

I started avoiding the topic. How can you explain your side to someone who doesn't want to listen? To someone who just wants you to confirm their stereotypes? Because you get a lot of that. This is what we're taught, this is the way it is. I got very tired very quickly of, as soon as I said anything to defend the Russian government in any way, people looking at me like I was a communist, or making comments to that effect. What most people don't realize is that Russians know their government is corrupt, but their attitude is that this is the way life is. There is no history of democracy in that country so most people don't know any way to change it. Oh and by the way, if you actually ask the Russians, many of them will tell you that they approve of Putin because he's done some good things for the country. And I know what you'll probably say "It's because there's a history of Putin eliminating any and all competition and opposers." I'm not saying that this isn't true, I'm just telling you what it's like.

The other thing that really bothers me is the actual "communist" comments. I have a few friends who make this sort of comment, mostly because they know it gets to me. You fake smile and shrug, or make threats under your breath in Russian and go on. I hide how much it really bothers me and I think this is something I need to stop doing. Hiding. I need to stand up and be like "look, this really bothers me when you say things like that. " Because it does and maybe if I spoke up people would understand better.

I guess you could say this is where I'm at right now, piloting through the remnants of my exchange. It seems so long ago, sometimes it just feels like a dream. Some days I wake up and I think "Was I really in Russia? Oh. I guess so." It's rather depressing in some ways.

Losing It

From "And the Words Poured Out..." the author's paper journal.

Thursday, October 16th 2008

I was really down yesterday. I realized that I don't feel Russian anymore, and it feels like part of me is missing. It's the most depressing feeling in the world. I remember how it felt, to be living there, to be part of that and to go to the district conference and be able to slip between cultures, though i really felt more Russian. And yeah, I can interact with Russian speakers here and I can remember my language, but I'm not Russian. I mean, not that I ever was or could be, but it's just this feeling, a sort of pride. Pride in the fact that you are comfortable in your language and culture, a language and culture that used to be so alien to you. The ability to be able to say "Well, this is how we do it in Russia," and I've lost it. My heart feels purely American and it makes me want to weep. Of all the things I was worried about losing/forgetting when I came back, I never thought it would be my sense of Russianness. I told mom last night and she said it doesn't mean I might feel that way again. I know that's true but I'm afraid that the only way I'll feel that way again is if I go back and who knows when that will be?

I wish I could describe it better than "empty"but it's sort of like that. It's this sort of sensation that you carry around with you and you don't realize how it filled you up or how heavy it was until it's gone. For some reason, I've always felt Russian as heavier than English. I don't know why. Now, with my Russian self gone, I feel too light, as if I'm just going to float away into the sky, or blow away with the wind. I dislike the feeling.

Another Sort of Culture Shock

Over the weekend I randomly had the chance to go to see my cousin Aay who is going to school down in Tennessee. Naturally, I blew off everything else to that I was going to do and headed down there with Aunty and Uncle. It was a good trip, and I really enjoyed getting to see Aay. Hadn't seen her since she went down in August and didn't expect to see her again until Thanksgiving so it was a nice treat. Where does the culture shock come in? well actually we were talking about dorm rules. See the little thing I didn't mention about Aay's school is that she's attending a small Christian college. So we got to talking and naturally, her dorm is all girls, yeah okay, I can deal with that. I can't remember how we got on the subject but she mentioned something about how guys are only allowed into the room for like fifteen minutes at a time and they have to keep their feet on the floor. This just blew me away. I mean, I'm a hard core Christian and I understand why they do it, but it was just completely mind blowing. I guess because I'm used to the whole "guys living down the hall from you and people having their boy/girlfriends coming and spending the weekend with them" thing. I never thought I would experience that kind of culture shock here in America. I guess I see it as here, we're all adults and so you have to act responsibly. Where Aay goes to school, they're still all adults, but being a Christian school they have different Moralistic Ideals. Or whatever. I just thought it was interesting.

Which brings me to another point. I've decided that God is good, and I've been praising him, actually before I even went on this little weekend getaway. Because I've come to the conclusion that good old SPU is exactly where I need to be for college. I mean I've met some really cool people here, I speak Russian almost every day and I'm learning to stand up for myself. I was always one of those people who wanted a good education from a christian college, but I don't know, in some ways being at SPU is causing me to grow more spiritually than if I were at a Christian College. So I'm really content with where I'm at.

There was one more story I wanted to tell you last week, but I didn't get the chance because I went off to Tennessee. It happened last Wednesday in Comparing Governments. As you know, we are doing different presentations about different countries. Last Wednesday was the Germany presentation. One of the most interesting things that happened was that a girl mentioned that in Germany, they are very proud about their German heritage and even if you were born in Germany and lived there all your life, if your parents were foreign you would be considered foreign too. I raised my hand and said something to the effect of "I think that's very interesting. Do you think perhaps this comes from part of Germany being occupied by the Soviet Union because Russians feel the same way." Then, a guy in the group went on to talk about how he'd been reading and how the reason Russia reacted like they did to the Georgia thing is because they still considered those people Russian. I seriously was like "Thank you! Because I tell people that and they don't believe me!" What was great was here was a guy who's never been to Russia, he just reads a lot and he came to this conclusion. See, often we as Americans just take what people tell us as the straight truth without ever looking any deeper than the surface, and I'm not just talking about in regards to Russia I'm talking about the world and politics in general.

Disturbed

One year ago yesterday I got off an airplane and started my Russian adventure. I didn't even realize that's what yesterday was until I was sitting in my dorm room journaling at ten o'clock last night. I wrote something about 9/11 and thought "wow, that's this month" then I realized that it was September first and I got really weirded out. A call to my parents, who had just dropped me off ensued.

Me:"Mom, do you realize that at this time last september I arrived in Russia?"
Mom:"Yes, are you sad?"
Me:"No, just really weirded out."

We then proceeded to talk about many things including the Russia/Georgia conflict. I mentioned how hard it is when people ask me what I think of that, but then they get disturbed when I defend Russia. It's like "then why do you ask me if you're going to imply that I'm crazy and don't know what I'm talking about." I think the reason people ask me is because they know I've lived their and they want confirmation for their own stereotypes. I seriously think sometimes that they want me to just be like "Well, I've lived there and you are absolutely right. Russia is evil and power hungry." Honestly, I think it disturbs people at some deep level when I say something like "well, Georgia did start it." I'm probably going to get some nasty comments now for writing that too. I'm currently trying to work out a way to explain how I feel about this whole thing. A way to explain to all of you why it bothers me to hear you say the things you do about Russia.

While we're on the subject of things that bother me, here's a few more. The first one dealt with one of my textbooks. As you may know, One class I'm taking this semester is called "Comparing Politics" Well, I went and bought the textbook for this class only to show up on the first day of class and have the Prof. tell me that we were, in fact, using a different book. But that's really not the point of my story. See, before I realized this, I'd been looking at the textbook since we are comparing various governments I was hoping that there would be a section about Russia. There was. It was put under the section heading "Communist and Post-Communist Governments" along with China. Yeah, you could say that bothered me. You know it's funny though because sometimes the bothering is on a subconscious level and I won't realize how bothered I am by it until later. Why does it bother me? I think because every time we mention Russia in this country it's usually in conjunction with Communism. Like I found it really offensive that Russia has not technically been a communist country for what? seventeen years? And yet in modern editions of this particular textbook it was still being associated with communism. Oh and please don't even start with the whole "Well, even though it's not 'communist' we all know what Putin's doing." Because that will just make me angrier. And yes, people have said that to me. But that's a topic for another post.

Finally, the last thing that's bothered me over the last couple of days. It really has nothing at all to do with Stereotypes or the political situation. I was sitting in church on Sunday, next to a couple with a little girl. She was playing with a magnet set and I was mentally thinking of the words in Russian in case she asked. (We were playing this sort of thing with a sticker book a few weeks before. I'd tell her the words in Russian.) So she's got all the magnets piled up on the chair and I'm refreshing my memory and then I see that one magnet is a pineapple and I just stop. Because for the life of me I cannot remember how to say the word "pineapple" in Russian. I know it may not sound like a big deal. I mean it is only the word pineapple after all. It's not like a hugely important word. But I was seriously really disturbed because I couldn't remember it. I knew if I heard or read it, I would recognize it immediately, but I couldn't remember how to say it. Every time I tried to think of it, I drew a blank. Seriously disturbing. In fact, I couldn't remember this word all day Sunday, and all day yesterday. (I thought maybe if I stopped thinking about it and returned to it later, I would get a memory jog. No such luck) In fact I continued to draw a complete blank with this word until I just now found an online Russian dictionary and looked it up. It's Ananas by the way. In case you care. Ананас would be how it's spelled. I know, it doesn't sound like a big deal, but this was an almost terrifying moment. I'm afraid that I'm already forgetting.

The World Homesickness and Final Preparations

So For those of you who've been living under a rock the last week or so, the big news of the day is that Georgia and Russia are practically at war. And everyone's freaking out. Especially about the fact that Russia supposedly is overreacting. And maybe they are. But I find myself in Inexplicable ways both defending and putting down my adopted country. When people talk about how bad Russia's being I'm quick to point out that "In case everyone's forgotten, Georgia's the one who started it." But then at the same time sometimes in the next sentence I tell people about how carefully we need to watch Russia because that's how the CCCP (Soviet Union) got all that land back in the day. They just never left after the war.

I find the whole attitude towards the United States to be interesting too. Sometimes I feel like Everyone goes around hating us, and telling us that we're not the world's police and that we need to keep our noses to ourselves, yet when stuff like this happens, everyone wants us to come and save them. It doesn't make any sense to me.

In other, more personal news, I've been particularly homesick lately. Homesick for Russia that is. I've just been hurting. I don't know if I'm really homesick for Yakutsk itself, but I miss Russia. The culture, the language, everything. I miss speaking Russian and all the books in the bookstore being in Russian. I miss having Chai and the culture that goes with it. I miss everything on TV being Russian and am depressed that in watching the olympics here, they only show the American athletes.

Then I also get my little freakouts. For example, yesterday I pulled out my khomus to play it and realized that it was all rusted. Naturally, this made me completely freak out and as I result I burst into my parents' room at like one in the morning because I didn't know what to do and was terrified it was ruined. Mom told me that sand paper might word very gently. I said that I wanted to wait until morning to do it because if I tried to do it last night I was tired and freaking out and was sure I'd mess it up. That worked out though, because my dad, who'd been asleep (Or at least we thought he was) heard the whole thing and this morning before leaving for work, he looked on the internet how to clean rust off delicate things (I do put the Khomus in my mouth after all.) So this morning mom and I set to work and with a combination of Lemon Juice, Toothpaste, a bit of steel wool and some vodka, got my khomus mostly better and much prettier than it has been in a while. Henceforth, I will be taking much much better care of it.

In other other news, I'm moving into the Smart dorm at SPU on Tuesday. I'm not sure how I'm feeling about this. I mean in someways I'm really looking forward to it and in others I'm not. I'm also upset because I don't know that I have room in my Schedule for a Russian class this semester. The good news is that I'm talking to the Doctor who's head of the russian department on Campus tomorrow. I'm hoping if he can't get me into something, he can at least offer suggestions to keep from loosing my Russian, which by the way, I already feel like I'm loosing. It's not nearly as much in my head now as it used to be. That's very frustrating. I'll let you all know how the meeting goes.

Walking

So I thought I would dedicate an entire post to walking. Okay, or maybe not the entire post, maybe just half of it. But you see this is a really big issue for me and I guess in some ways, it's a part of reverse culture shock. See here in America, you can get your driver's license at the age of 16. Okay, great fine. We drive a lot, especially where I live because there's no sidewalks for walking, town's a way off and there's not really any public transportation. Okay, I guess technically there is but it's so inconvenient and expensive that you might just as well drive. So I got my license when I was seventeen and the world was whole and I tooled around with my friends and decided that I was cool. Then, I decided to go to Russia. I was kind of depressed that the rule was I wasn't allowed to drive. "Man," I thought (rather ignorantly in retrospect) "I'm gonna miss driving." And I did, but I got by. How? Well, because God gave me a set of two working legs, that's how. So I started walking. I mean. that's what you have to do when you don't have a car and don't want to pay for a bus ride because they raised the price by two roubles.

So what does this have to do with Reverse Culture Shock? Well, let me put it this way. I went from driving everywhere to driving nowhere. Which wasn't nearly as bad as going from Walking everywhere to Walking nowhere. I really really miss walking. More than I thought I would. I mean. I really really liked walking. NOw It's not nearly as convenient to walk places so I don't. As a result, I feel fat and lazy. Plus my legs have gotten to the point where they feel cramped all the time. I'm always trying to stretch them and stuff As I sit or lay or whatever, but it doesn't help. They just feel cramped up. So I'm seriously thinking about walking four miles into the little town near us. Maybe take a day next week and do it. Go to the library or something. It's hard though to motivate myself just to walk for the sake of walking. I mean I did it in Yakutsk, but Usually I could find something to entertain myself among the various stores I passed. Just randomly walking, out in the middle of the country, well, it's not as much fun. I mean, it is, but it's just not the same.

Dealing With People

So I've been home a couple of weeks now. Sometimes it's just...strange. I'm completely and utterly sick of people asking me how Russia was. My typical answer is different. How do you really answer that? Because you can't just say "good." I mean, some parts of it weren't really that good. I usually answer "Different" though Sometimes I just feel like being rude and I want to say "Do you really care or are you just asking to be polite?" The other question I'm sick of is "Have you re-acclimated yet?" My usual answer to this is something along the lines of "Somewhat" or "eh.." But I seriously think that the next person who asks me that is going to get an earful of Russian.

I miss speaking Russian tons by the way. The other night I came home from somewhere and I just started speaking Russian to my mom. Naturally, she didn't understand it. So I started trying to tell her what different words meant but without telling her in English, just explaining it in Russian. Bless her heart, she was very patient with me just sitting there babbling on for like twenty minutes before she was like "Abigail, I'm sorry, I'm just too tired." Even though it's pointless to speak Russian to people here, I find myself doing it anyway. It's good practice for me anyway. When we got done, I followed mom upstairs to my parents' room where I promptly started to cry.

I've had that happen a couple of times. Just burst out crying. The first time was actullay the day I made my last blog post. The day before my party. I had stumbled upon a website that listed "the worst roads in the world." Number two were the roads in Yakutsk. A picture of a truck half stuck in mud was accompanied by a little blurb. I read said blurb which was basically not nice about Yakutsk. The last line was something like "Maybe Yakutsk isn't worth visiting after all." I promptly burst out crying. A lot. I felt so hurt and insulted because I lived in Yakutsk. Ten and a half months of my life were dedicated to that city and I know very well that even though it's remote and freezing in the winter, it is a good place to visit.

I'm weird about Russia too. Woe to anyone who makes some comment about Communism. They will quickly be set on the straight and narrow. Russia is not a communist country and has not been so for like 17 years. Woe as well to anyone who makes fun of Russia and/or Yakutsk. I spoke in my bible class today about life in Russia. I passed around a book with pictures of Yakutsk. One girl was flipping pages and came to a picture of a woman in Yakutian National Dress. She laughed loudly and asked if it was one of my host moms. I just shot her this evil glare.

Which is odd actually. Because I have no problem making fun of Russia myself. I mean, I don't feel bad about making comments about Vodka, or Russia, or Communists, or I'll make jokes about this country and the Capitalism. That's okay. Yet when other people do it, it irritates me. I felt rather hypocritical about it until someone said it perfectly. They said it's like having a little brother or sister. You can pick on them all you want, but are quick to jump to their defense when someone else does. And that, I think, is exactly what it is. I've lived in Russia. I know well, if not intimately, The language, the culture and the people. So I can kind of pick on the faults of the motherland. Yet it bothers me when people who don't know anything make fun because, well, they're just ignorant about it. Because they don't know about Russia, their jokes are coming straight from stereotypes. It irritates me. Usually, when a comment based on a stereotype comes out as just someone not knowing. Perhaps they ask it as a question. I assume that they just don't know and that they'd like to know so I'm usually pretty polite; however, I had some guys today that were just making fun and I...uh...wasn't nearly as polite to them :) Duratskii amerikantsii. But such is my life right now. I have my good and bad days. Just like when I was in Russia.

Some days are basically good with only a few thoughts on Russia. Most days though I think about it a lot. Or at least, the russian speaking part of it. In some ways, I try not to think about it. It's my defense tactic.

Being Back

It was a long trip. Last Friday was the longest day of my life. Seriously. I got up at 3am moscow time and went to sleep in my own bed at 3am Eastern Time. 12 hours right? no problem. You have to remember that between those times, I had a 4 hour flight, an 8 hour flight and a two hour flight. Plus layovers in various airports. I had many adventures, like almost getting on a flight to Detriot, but the upshot is that I started crying when, at 9pm eastern time, my airplane landed in Cleveland. All I could think was "Oh my goodness, I'm in Cleveland. I'm home, I'm home."

It was a shock on the flight from Moscow. I flew Swiss Air from Moscow to Zurich. Why was it a shock? Because Swiss Air speaks German and Swiss Air speaks English. They do a little French too. So it was a bit of a shock to be on this airplane and have the in-flight magazines not be in Russian, and to have people automatically address me in English. I was freaking out and had to mentally tell myself that "I need to be doing English."

I've been here almost a week and the novelty is starting to fade. I mean, yeah, I'm still happy to be hanging with my parents. To be able to see my family and friends. But in some ways, I no longer feel connected to them. My feelings are as changing as the wind. Mostly I don't want to be here. But my problem is that I'm not sure that I'd want to be back in Russia either. I don't know where I want to be.

I feel bad that I haven't updated more. Mom said people had started asking her why I wasn't updating. The truth is that I've been really busy. I feel like I've been going almost non-stop since I got back last week. What have I been doing? Well, aside from a family dinner and a party tomorrow, I've been doing what I've always done. I run errands with my parents, I go to church, I occasionally meet with friends. Yet somehow now, it seems like too much. Probably because I've gotten used to having entirely too much free time.

I haven't gotten back in to watching American TV yet. Just haven't felt like it. Don't really play a lot of Wii either aside from Wii fit and occasional guitar hero. I've been reading a lot. Working on Pride and Prejudice right now. I sleep a lot too. I tell you what, it hits 8 or 9 pm and I just crash. But I don't dare go to bed until at least ten. The one night, I went to bed at 8:45. Bad idea because as I result, I found myself nice and awake at about 4:30 in the morning. Fun.

What else has been happening? Well, I've got myself a cold, On the way home from the airport I forgot the English word for smetana (It's sour cream by the way) and I occasionally find myself asking questions with Russian intonation rather than English. Oh and I've gotten rather sick of people asking me "how was your trip?" I mean normally, it wouldn't be a problem but after ten and a half months of ups and downs in a foreign country, how do you answer that. I mean saying the standard "good" is just so inappropriate. Mostly I just say "different" and leave it at that though I'm seriously thinking about just giving a good russian answer, "normalnye"

Sometimes I do things that are really rude without thinking, and then I'm like "Oh, man, I'm really really sorry about that." Sometimes I find myself reaching for the button on the back of the toilet to flush it, before realizing it's not there, or I'll reach for the little triangularly folded paper napkins on the table and then remember you have to ask for them.

I've been enjoying American food, but every time I eat it, I can't help thinking about all the Russian food that I can no longer eat. What do I miss most? Caviar, Salo and Ice cream.

I was at a wedding yesterday. Watching the Bride and Groom the just seemed so young. Although actually, the couple is a year or so older than me. I told mom when I got home last night that some days I watch people and I feel positively Ancient.

She says it'll pass and I know she's right, but you can't come out of Russia, or exchange for that matter, without being changed in some inexplicable way. My friends tell me I'll get used to life here again, that I'll get "Back to normal." That makes me want to scream. I don't have some disease that I'm overcoming and can then return to society. There's nothing broken about me.

Well, I guess that's all. At least for right now. But stay tuned for more drama and excitment from the land of Capitalism and Free Trade. (And yes, I've been thinking that rather sarcastically lately though I have no reason to.) Oh, by the way, if you know me and haven't heard, My welcome back party's tomorrow. It's at the church from 2-4 so feel free to drop in and have all your burning questions answered. I should really go finish my power point for that too.