Apartment Hunting, Commuting, Fitting in and Connecting

So I'd forgotten what it's like to live in this weird limbo of expat-ness.

That weird place where you're not exactly Russian but you're not exactly American. I think I'm working on trying to reconcile the two selves into one American-Russian-Christian-Glob of Globbiness. I'm not really sure.

A woman and her mother are staying at the church because the woman is trying to adopt a child from here. I call them Americans. "The American women came. We didn't recognize the Americans" and so on and so forth.

Yet, when I called about an apartment yesterday the woman asked where I was from "I'm an American." She promptly hung up on me. When I called back I was informed that they would only rent to Russians.

I'd forgotten how strange this country is.

For those of you who don't know, I moved out of the church. The aforementioned women needed a place to stay. So I'm now living with a young couple, Brad and Lena. I'm really enjoying it here so far too. They make me feel really welcome.

The only thing I don't really enjoy is the 50+ minute commute to the church. Although it got better when I started taking a book with me. My mother reminded me that I used to drive that far often over the summer. I replied that at least when you're driving, that far you're constantly moving. My city commute involves me walking to the bus stop...and waiting for the bus. Then I walk to the metro, drop in my token, get on the escalator...and wait to get to the bottom. Then you have to wait for the train...Once you're on the train you have to wait for your stop... Then I have to change lines so that's another wait...one more stop and you finally get to get off. But then you have to go up the escalator... Finally I leave the metro and walk several blocks to the church. Oh yes, it's good times indeed. Plus, I would be really cranky by the time I got to the church. Taking a book along helps me feel productive while I'm waiting and also gets me some escape time. So now while I don't know that I necessarily look forward to the commute, it's definitely not as terrible as it was the first couple times.

In other news, I'm looking for a room to rent. As I mentioned, I called about one yesterday. I also went with Luka and Natasha to go look at a room last night. Yeah that was interesting times... we're not going to be renting that room. The man and his wife were rather strange and the atmosphere was...eh... we looked around and promptly left. Luka is putting me in touch with an agent who can help me find something. In the mean time I've had several conversations with God about it and I know a lot of other people have been praying about it as well. I'm not too worried about it as I figure God's always got something in the works.

By the way, the best part about going to look at the room yesterday was hanging out with Luka and Natasha. We went to a cafe afterwards and hung out for a bit. It was good times.

That's the other thing I'm really enjoying. Just getting to know people. Learning about their personalities, their lives, making connections. But then after all that's what I love to do... make connections.

Cultural Respect

I had a bit of a revelation the other night about cultural insight. This post is an excerpt from a letter I wrote to my youth group explaining what I learned. I hope you blog followers find it interesting as well.

I wanted to tell you guys some things about culture that I think you'll find interesting. One of the most important things to remember if you ever go out on the mission field, or even just a trip is that things are going to be different. When I was an exchange student it was explained to us like this: It's not necessarily better or worse than in America, it's just different. 

Learning about other people's cultures is extremely important. Through learning about this, it's possible to connect with people on their own level, one that they understand. I include language learning in this. Language and Culture are intertwined and it's impossible to separate them. I encourage you all to, even if it's a short term mission, learn as much of the language as you can before you go. It will make you more effective and people will appreciate that you've taken the time to learn about them.

Also, don't be afraid to make mistakes or ask questions. It's all part of the learning process. When I was an exchange student, I was often afraid of speaking up. I didn't want to sound silly or dumb. I was afraid of being judged for not knowing anything if I admitted I was wrong. This time around though, I'm much more open. If I don't understand, I'll say so. If there's a word I don't know, I'll ask what it means. In some ways, my learning experience here in St. Petersburg is a lot richer in only two weeks than probably half of my exchange just because I'm trying to open up and connect with people, even when my language skills are lacking. 

Let me give you another example. This time dealing with how things can be different. I recently had a conversation with one of the brothers here, Dima. He was explaining to me that a Fire Inspector was coming on Friday and how it might be necessary to essentially pay him what we Americans would consider a bribe. I said that things like that often happened in Russia and that I thought it was strange and dishonest. He then informed me that things Americans do seem strange to Russians. I asked him for examples and he cited things like taking each other to court all the time and whistle blowing if someone is breaking the law. An interesting cultural thing he pointed out was that often Americans will say "Maybe" when they mean "no" I was kind of mentally laughing when he said "It's dishonest." That made me stop and think. 

I like to think of myself as culturally aware. But I'm still American and embedded in that culture as well. Sometimes I think we (and I include myself in this) tend to look down on people because they don't have the same ideas that we do about life, freedoms, security, government and so on. We might say "Oh it's wrong for the Russians to have to pay bribes to pass fire inspections and they should have the same ideas about basic rights as we do" but if you stop for a moment and look at the historical events that have shaped each culture it makes perfect sense why each country feels the way it does. 

America was a state founded by people who were trying to escape oppression. When they set up the government, they wanted to make sure the oppression they escaped from wouldn't happen again. Because of this, they wrote out the Bill of Rights and the Constitution. The ideals that every man had basic rights and freedoms was extremely important to them and became embedded in American culture. They felt that the government's job was to serve the people, not the other way around. 

Russia has always been a country where the government was the be all, end all. The people were to serve the government not the other way around. In earlier times, the Tsars ruled. These monarchs were seen as fatherly figures whose job it was, as head of the "household" to make decisions. Father knows best as it were. Later on, during Communist times, telling on people meant you were working with the repressive government. It was necessary to pay bribes to get things done. Everyone was supposed to cooperate in order to build a utopian society. 

What I'm trying to say is that we, not just Americans, but everyone need to be respectful and understanding of other cultures. Does it mean we have to deny who we are culturally and take on characteristics of other societies? No. We just need to understand that people have different values and we need to be respectful of those values when we interact. Remember, it's not better or worse it's just different.

Keep on keeping on!

In Him,

Abigail

Comparisons

I'm not even going to lie, it's kind of scary how much I'm loving being here. I'm really enjoying this time. I mean, is it lonely? Occasionally, when it's late and I should go to bed but don't feel like it. But generally I'm keeping busy and things are going well. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop because I feel like it should not be legal for me to be having this much fun.

Maybe it's because everything is sort of subconsciously compared to my exchange. This is completely different though. There was a part of me that never fully got used to living in Yakutsk. I mean, my goodness all I did was cry the first three days and then tried to make it through every day in order to get home. I learned a lot. There were some definite good times, but there were also some very bad times too.

I think some of my enjoyment of this comes from automatically having a family. I mean, you have host families while on exchange. But honestly, with one exception I never felt particularly close to my host families. This time it's different. As soon as I got here, I felt welcomed, loved and accepted. Oh, I still have awkward moments, you have those any time you live in a foreign country. But among my church family I'm not afraid to admit that I don't understand, not afraid to make mistakes with the language, not afraid to ask for help. It's a nice feeling. My host families were willing to help me, but sometimes I could tell I was a burden or that they didn't really want to be dealing with me. They accepted me to a certain extent because they had to. The church people kind of have to as well, but the difference is they don't mind. I feel like there's an attitude of "Great! You're here! What can you learn from us and what can we learn from you?" Because we are all trying to be Christ centered, we automatically have that in common and it makes things easier.

But I didn't start writing this blog post with the intention of preaching. There are other factors that are making this transition easier as well. For one, I already know the language an culture. My exchange took me through the difficulties of learning a language and adapting to the culture. The first few days I was in St. Petersburg were a little rough language wise. I wasn't used to hearing full-on fluent Russian spoken all the time. Last week as I believe I mentioned, however all of a sudden it was like I kind of slid back into it and now every day it gets easier. I'm understanding a ton of what people say. I'm speaking more too.

The one thing I regretted after my exchange was I felt like I didn't practice talking enough. Well, that's being remedied now. If exchange was Russian 101, this is the next level. I talk a ton more than in Yakutsk. Plus, I talk and listen to more in depth subjects. I guess I really am conversationally fluent. People tell me good things about my Russian which makes me feel good. I know that I don't speak perfectly, not by any means, but to have native Russians tell me that I sound good, or that I form my words well, or that it's good when I correct myself means a lot to me. It's like they notice I'm trying and that makes me feel good and want to try harder.

Another thing that is making this easier is the place itself. Honestly, sometimes it doesn't even feel like I'm in Russia. There's a McDonald's two blocks down and KFCs here and there. I mean, it's obviously a Russian city, but it doesn't feel like it. I don't really know how to explain it. It just has a different atmosphere. After living in Siberia, and Yakutsk in particular, this place is like a wonderland of joy and joyness. The stores don't have empty shelves and there's always a selection of at least two or three brands of whatever item you want. Yeah, stuff is more expensive here, but they also have what you want. When you want it.  I'm constantly surprised at the things they have in the store here. Pre-made dough for Pirozhki? What? Or a product similar to something we have in the states that I couldn't get in Yakutsk? Wow!

I can already tell that it's going to be really hard to go home next fall. 

A Day in the Life of a Missionary Part 2: Settling in

I thought it would be fun to do one of these posts while I'm still settling in so here it is. This was my day on Tuesday.

9:50 am: Wake up because I'm supposed to meet with Joel at 11. Check Facebook and discover he is going to be late. I lay in bed a bit longer then get up and get ready for the day.

11:00 am: I'm having Chai in the kitchen and reading Mere Christianity when Sergei walks in. He asks me if I can get Wi-fi in my room. I tell him no. He then asks if I need the computer that's in my room. I again tell him no and he says that he will move the computer out and hook my notebook up to Ethernet. I abandon my chai and we go take care of that.

11:30: After returning to the kitchen and finishing my chai, I go back to my room, where I have a message from Joel that it's going to be a little longer. I start working on fixing a topical study he wanted me to fix because I didn't quite understand what I was doing the first time.

Noonish: Joel shows up and I show him my flier for English conversation lessons. He tells me to take it across the hall to have Lena print it.

12:30: After Sergei and Lena mess with the printer and help me tweak said flier, I finally have five copies. Joel and I proceed to the dormitory across the street where Joel has a chat with the Kommandant (The woman who's in charge of the dorm) and she allows us to go through the dorm and hang the fliers on each floor.

1:00 pm: I return to the church to see that Luka has arrived. I stop to chat with her she asks if I would like to have chai but I decline and explain I have work to do but maybe later. I work a little more on the study.

2:00 pm: Luka comes by my room and tells me she has a song she wants me to listen to. I listen, then she tells me she's going to translate it and asks if I'll look at it when she's done. I agree.

2:15: Dima comes by and asks if I would like chai. I start to decline and then he says that there are blinchiki too. So I agree and off we go to the kitchen. Once there, we are joined by Galina Mikhailovna and Sergei. Conversation ensues.

2:45: Luka comes in to the kitchen and I go over the song lyrics with her, helping her clarify some things.

2:50: Immediately following, Dima brings in a letter he wants me to answer from a woman in Yakutia who wants to learn more about the bible.

2:55: Whilst putting some things away in the kitchen Dima grills me with questions. I do my best to answer. He asks how I came to God and the Church and so I tell my story in rough Russian.

3:00 pm: I return to my room where I sit down to finish my study when Joel IMs me and asks me to come by his office.

3:45 pm: I have a meeting with Joel.

4:45 pm: I am very tired from the lots of Russian and the meeting. I stop by Dima's office to find out exactly when I'm supposed to write this letter.

5:00 pm: Dima comes by with the main points of what the woman wrote in her letter so I can get a better idea of what to say in mine.

5:30 pm: I work on this blog post. Whilst doing that a girl calls about English lessons. She asks them in Russian and I do my best to answer. She says she will call back after thinking about it. I don't think she will.

6:45 pm: Dinner time

7:00 pm: The chorus practices in individual parts, so I went and sang with the sopranos

9:00 pm: We have chai after rehersal and the girls discover it is my birthday. Congratulations ensue. I manage to follow most of the conversations over chai pretty well.

10:00 pm: Luka is cleaning up the auditorium after rehearsal. I stop by to say goodnight and she asks me to sing a bit for her. Afterwards, she asks if I would be willing to help the altos sing because their strongest alto might not be able to come on Thursday when they are recording. I agree to learn what I can and help them on Thursday if need be.

10:30 pm: I hide in my room, play guitar and relax.

First Sunday

I know, it's already Tuesday, but I wanted to write about my first church service. I was tired yesterday.

Worship was the same but different than at home. I liked a lot of what went on actually. When we got started, there was singing of course, but one thing we did which I think we don't do enough of at home, was scripture reading. Between every song, there were chunks of scripture that were read. Sometimes we read them all together and sometimes, one of the men would read them. We went through a good chunk of Matthew 5 which was pretty cool.

Another interesting thing, I knew all the songs but one. How? Well because they were all songs we sing at home, but (obviously) in Russian. We actually sang one of my favorite songs, "We Shall Assemble." I'm hoping to learn the Russian version. I guess it should be obvious that we sing the same songs, but I wasn't expecting it to be quite so many. Maybe because the Baptist church I attended in Yakutsk sang a lot of different songs. I've only been here one Sunday though, so what else is sung remains to be seen.

After much singing and scripture reading led by Igor, it was time for communion. Dima got up and said a few words and then we passed around the bread. It was much like home (Well, the bread was a little different. Was all crunchy) except that instead of eating it right away, we waited until everyone had a piece. Then Dima quoted Jesus "This is my body, do this in remembrance of me." And we all ate. We did the same thing with the juice after passing it around, then our little communion cups were collected.

Oleg, who I guess you could consider the main preacher, did the offering. Following that, they had all the children come to the front. It was cool because they asked the kids if there was anything they'd like to pray for and then they had a prayer for the children. After the prayer, the kids went to their respective classes.

Oleg then preached the sermon. It was pretty interesting, what I understood of it anyway. About halfway through it got easier to understand which was awesome. The lesson was about persecution.

Oh and apparently, worship here (like the scripture and stuff) isn't always the same. I just got done having tea with Dima, Sergei and Galina and they told me that the beginning part changes depending on who is leading that part of the worship. Dima also told me that this congregation is actually one of the more progressive churches of Christ in Russia. Which was interesting. It would be interesting to see how some of the more traditional churches run worship and interact with each other and the world.

There wasn't an invitation song or anything which was actually kind of nice. We just prayed at the end of the sermon. Then there were announcements. Igor got up and congratulated the couple who got married last Wednesday and then they introduced me and Joel talked a little bit about who I was and why I was here. Then we said a prayer and dismissed.

I really enjoyed worship and I've been enjoying getting to know people and getting involved with the stuff going on here. Doing this is one of the best decisions I've ever made...

First Day in Piter

My day started at 5am. No lie. I went to bed last night at midnight and set my alarm for 9. I was like "this is going to be perfect."

At five I found myself lying wide awake in the room at the church where I'm temporarily lodged. My sinuses were draining down my throat so I took some medicine and went back to sleep. Or, I tried. See the problem was that I was tired. I could tell that my body needed more sleep but it wasn't working out so well. I alternately tried to sleep and journaled. Finally, about 8:30 I found myself relaxing enough to get to sleep. The next thing I knew, I was awake looked at my clock and saw that it was noon.

Now, this wouldn't have ordinarily been a problem except that Joel and his family were coming to get me at noon to take me to meet a sister named Zhenya. You can imagine my distress upon waking. Thankfully, things don't run as fast here so my ride wasn't here yet. I promptly jumped in the shower and probably coined a new record for the fastest shower. Ever. I'm talking two minutes max. (Good thing I have short hair.) As I was drying off I heard the buzzer downstairs which meant that Joel & Co were here. I answered the buzzing telephone, explained I overslept and that I would be down as soon as I was dressed.

Fifteen minutes later I made it downstairs. I did have a moment of panic tearing through my suitcases looking for socks before I realized they'd been packed inside my boots. It also took me longer because Russians love locks and I had to lock up the church behind me. Which took a bit.

Once in the car I was informed that instead of being taken to Zhenya's house as previously thought, she would be meeting me at the nearby McDonalds. Which is like two blocks away. The Pettys drove me there. Inside, Zhenya eventually came along and we proceeded to gulyat'. This is a Russian word that means walk. But not really walking to get anywhere. Just walking and talking basically. Which is what we did. All day. We ate at the McDonalds and chatted for a while. Then we wandered down the street and found a place where I could buy a cellphone. I was really glad Zhenya was with me because the guy at the store talked really fast and was really trying hard to upsell. It was kind of intense.

We wandered past pretty much all of the major tourist sites: The Hermitage, St. Issaac's Cathedral, Spas' na Krovi and had just gotten to Mikhailovskii Sad when Zhenya got a call from another sister, also named Zhenya. When she hung up she informed me (If I wasn't too tired) that we were going visiting. I was fine with this since the other alternative was to sit alone in the church and off we went.

We spent several hours visiting with Zhenya and her son Mark. He's just a baby and so it was kind of fun to get to play with him a bit. The two Zhenya's were awesome at including me in conversation, but I felt bad because quite a bit of it went over my head as I was getting tired. I was excited though because when I started this morning, I was able to have all kinds of conversation with Zhenya. We talked about family, church, history, boys all kinds of things and I did pretty well actually. I mentioned when we started that I was nervous about talking because my Russian isn't always the best. Zhenya told me a story about how she used to be really judgmental when people spoke Russian badly. Not necessarily foreigners even, but Russians themselves. But then God reminded her that it's not how you say it, it's what you say. I think she has a good point.

I really enjoyed the fellowship today. I think this year is going to go by pretty fast. Please pray that I'm able to be of good use here.

Tomorrow is the "general assembly" which means the worship time (General as opposed to the small groups and other Bible studies that go on here throughout the week.) I'm looking forward to it. It's kind of intimidating because I'm probably going to be meeting a lot of people all at once, but at the same time I'm super excited!

Alone?

Am I doing something extraordinary?
Possibly.
Right now, as you're reading this, I am on a plane thousands of miles above your head.
I'm going to New York. In a big metal bird that some how manages to defy gravity... Yeah I don't want to think about that too much either.

But back to my question. Am I unusual?
Because here's the conversation I've been getting of late:


Me: I'm going to Russia on Thursday
Them: Oh? What for?
Me: I'm going to be doing mission work there.
Them: Alone?

Am I strange?
Because apparently people don't normally do this sort of thing...
I used to get this in Russia all the time too.


Host mom: Where have you been?
Me: Out walking
Host mom: Alone?

In Russia I just assumed it was because I'm female. And most young women did go walking in groups. So I just assumed that's why I was considered strange. It's not that I don't like people. I just like alone time once in a while too.

But I'm digressing from my main point. Namely, that people find it odd that I'm going to Russia alone.
It's not like I'm going to wander around the city by myself attempting to preach the gospel on street corners. I explained that to someone the other day. "Well I have church people who are meeting me."
They still gave me a funny look.
What am trying to find out is, even in our "liberated" day and age am I defying a gender norm? Essentially that it's not typical for women to travel alone?
As far as I know no one ever asked my brother this question and he spent two years in China.

I think people sometimes wonder why I'm doing this. What possesses an (almost) 23 year old to run off to Russia for a year at a time? I have no idea. I get the impression that people admire the fact that I'm going, that they're super impressed. I don't know how many people have said "I couldn't do that" or something similar. Like I'm doing something so great.

I just want to set the record straight. Maybe it's not something everyone has in them, but honestly for me it's not a big deal. It's a natural thing that stems from the talents and desires God has given me. It's right and it's good to go back to Russia. There is nothing special about it or me. I'm not trying to debase myself, but I'm saying that just because traveling abroad is what I do, doesn't make me any better or worse than anyone else. Why? Because there are plenty of things I can't do.

For example, I greatly admire people who work with people who have special needs and people who work in hospitals. Why? Because I can't do that. I just can't handle it. If I had to, I suppose I would, but honestly I pray that I am never in that situation because it just makes me uncomfortable. Nursing homes are the same way. It's not where my talents lie. There are people I know who are great at that. They connect with people that way and are able to show love, kindness and compassion. That is where their talents are and they can use those talents for great things.

So my reminder for the day, as I'm flying above your heads, is to remember what Paul said. We are all parts of a single body. We all have different ways of dealing with things, different goals, different talents and we can all use what we have to glorify God.

What If?

I woke up this morning and the first thoughts in my head were about fifteen "what ifs." I mean, it wasn't anything super horrible. It was just little things. What if I get super sick? What if I lose a contact? What if my passport gets stolen?

So much for my feelings of peace and non-concern about going. I think it's starting to hit me. I've felt kind of sad all day and out of sorts. There are things I need to finish, but I don't have time. And then there are some things that I was like "Oh wait, I can finish this in Russia. It's not like my life is ending."

Mom says I'm going through the stages of dying. Not that I am. But she says that anytime someone has a big change in their life death, divorce, moving, extended travel they go through stages. Apparently symptoms of this sort of thing is avoiding, holding on to stuff, or giving it away, and being angry and/or sad.  She's kind of right.

Even though I'm not completely avoiding, I still am. I'm not completely thinking about it. In fact through the course of writing this blog entry, I've been forced to think about it and therefore am feeling kind of sick.

As for the stuff. I don't know that I'm really holding on to stuff. Unless you count me trying to fit everything into my suitcase as holding on. But I'm definitely letting go of some things. I dated a guy this summer and had some stuff of his. Gave it back to him when he came to say goodbye on Monday night. He was like "Why are you giving me this back?" "Because." It just seemed like the thing to do.

Saying goodbye to people is weird as well. Half the time it doesn't seem like I'm even leaving. Monday night was just surreal. It was like an ordinary night all summer. The guy comes by after work, we sit around for a while and then he drives the rest of the way home. It didn't even feel like this was the last time I'd see him for a year.

Sunday night I went to my college church to say goodbye to all of them. I love those people. They are a tiny congregation but they've been so interested in and supportive of my upcoming journey. It was good to get to talk to a couple of my adopted moms and see everyone. But again, it was weird.

Everyone is like "Bye Abigail. Good luck on your journey, we're praying for you" But it didn't feel like an unordinary night. We had our potluck, and services and I stood outside in the parking lot for an extra hour talking to a couple interested in Missions like I usually do. And then it was like "Well, see ya."

Mom tells me that it's always harder for the people staying behind. I'm starting to believe it because I don't feel much of anything at the moment.

Four Days

I'm leaving on Thursday. This time on Thursday I'll be on a plane. Or, waiting in an airport. In either case, I won't be here. I'm having a really weird time of it as well. There are two suitcases, a backpack and a guitar sitting in the middle of my parents' dining room.

The suitcases have (mostly) clothes, and books and random things like vitamins thrown hither and yon into them. There is no rhyme or reason to it. I have clothes in the washer and a mental list that contains more items than Jewish Law.

I'm leaving on Thursday, but it doesn't feel like it.
I mean the good news is that I'm not avoiding. The above evidence of the suitcases and everything proves that. I know I'm leaving. It's looming over me.

But it doesn't feel like I'm going for a whole year.

I realized this the other day and it's been bothering me ever since.

I don't feel like I'm going to be spending a whole year in Russia. I feel like this is just a little jaunt. But it doesn't feel like I"m going to be back in a few weeks either.

Maybe it's because I know how fast it will go? Maybe it's because I've done this before? Maybe it's because I know life goes on after you go overseas. I mean, yeah you change and the people here change, but life still goes on.

I sure hope it doesn't hit me like it did last time. Last time, as soon as I left my parents in the airport I started crying and didn't stop for three or four days. That would be terrible.

What's nice though is that all my fears and doubts that I had when I first decided to do this, as well as the ones I'd been having in recent days, have completely disappeared. I feel a deep sense of peace about this whole thing. I have visa issues. So what? If God provided me funding to go and has been with me all this time, he's certainly going to provide me with the means of working out my visa. And if not? Well it's because he wants me to work in Ukraine or another country as well as Russia and who am I to argue?

That doesn't mean everything is peachy though. Although it doesn't feel like I'm leaving, I am. And while I don't feel finality that I did last time, I still feel rather weird. It's hard to explain. I feel lonely at times. So lonely I want to cry. I came home from seeing my church family where I attended during college and was just in this weird mood. Went right up to my room. Mom came by later and asked three times if I was okay. "I will be."
"So you're not now, but you will be?"
"Yeah, I guess."

I couldn't tell her exactly what was wrong. I don't know myself. Just an underlying sadness, with a weird combination of nostalgia and anger. It's an odd combination for sure.

Hmmm... perhaps I should be preparing myself for the bi-polarness that comes with living overseas because it seems that I'm starting now...

The Walls of Jericho

If you have attended Bible school at some point in your life, most likely you've heard the story of Jericho. If not, you can read it in the book of Joshua, chapters 2 and 6.

Jericho was a city with massive walls,

and right now I find myself staring at those walls.

What are they?

Lots of things.

Goodbyes, hellos, suitcases, clothes, visas, lists, documents, passports, airplane tickets, newspaper articles. 

Going back is weirder than going the first time. 

I wish I knew how to explain it better. 

You know what to expect which makes it better, but also makes it worse. 

And then there are the people around you...

No one who loves you really wants you to go. They didn't want you to the first time either, but they also understood wanting to be an exchange student. This however, is different. Compared to this, exchange was a lark in the park. 

Everyone reacts differently. Some people say things, some people don't. Some people avoid the subject altogether and pretend like everything's okay. Some overcompensate by trying to be helpful and some completely explode. Your parents, your grandparents, your friends, your significant other all react this way. Maybe they understand why you feel called to go do something like this. Maybe they don't. Maybe they admire you, maybe they're jealous that they don't have the strength to do what you're doing. Maybe they're afraid for you. Maybe deep down all of their good intentions are a secret selfishness. They know you are doing what you need to do, but they want you just to stay.

Whatever their thoughts, feelings and reactions, it places a lot of pressure on you. Suddenly you're bombarded with everyone's expectations. "Don't worry about it." "Have you done this yet? How about that? and that over there?" "This is me not caring" "Why don't you just settle down?" "You can't do that." "I'm not talking about this." "I'm glad you've finally dealt with that issue, now onto the next." "Why are you making this such a big deal?" "Let's talk about this more." "Let me tell you how I would handle it" "Why haven't you done this yet? You better plan on doing it before you leave." "Do you have enough money yet?" "I want to see you before you go" "When are you leaving?"  "Why haven't you left?" "When are you coming back?"  These are all things you hear on a daily basis, over and over until you can't hear the one thing that even matters in the first place -- the still, small voice of God. 

Add to that the way you feel inside. The questions and expectations you place on yourself. "What am I doing?" "Why am I doing this?" "Is this really necessary?" "What if, what if, what if...?" "How can I deal with this?" "How is this going to change me?" "Is this going to be effective?" "What do I want to do?" "What does God want me to do?" "How can I make them understand?" "I need to be good." "I can't let these people down." "What happens after this year?" "What are my goals?" "When am I leaving?" "Why haven't I left yet?" "When am I coming back?" And suddenly you're overwhelmed and you try to find a way to deal with that. You ignore your emotions or you break down and cry. You shut down or keep busy or stare blankly at the ceiling. 

It's true you know,

The Devil is in the details.

It would be nice if life had a large pause button so you could just take a breather. 

But time marches endlessly on...

What I've Learned About Myself the Past Week or So...

I'm officially leaving October 6th.

This has led to kind of a crunch time for me.

Which in turn has led me to discover some things...

I work best under pressure. Okay, not really pressure because I get really stressed. But I've discovered that I need to have firm deadlines if I ever hope to accomplish anything. In college for example, I knew when things were due all the time so I could start them ahead, work on them in increments and get them done. When I don't have firm deadlines for myself, I'm not working on things consistently and therefore nothing gets done.

I like to be organized. I'm not one of those obsessive-compulsive people where everything has to be perfectly neat. I get piles of stuff lying around and such. I tell people I'm not messy, my form of organization is just different. But actually, I've learned that there is this toleration point where I can't stand things being messy and so I have to clean before I can sit down and work.

Lists = Good. Sometimes I get overwhelmed. Therefore I am better if I sit down and write out a list. Sometimes it's a list of everything I want/need to accomplish that day and sometimes it's a list of what I have to do and when it has to be done. In either case, it gives me a tangible visible way to break everything down and I feel a sense of accomplishment when I cross things off.

I am more left-brained than I'd like to admit. I take pride in my right-brainedness and non-analyticalness. But honestly, the whole making lists thing is totally left-brained. I remember that question being on those little personality test things (that was before I started making lists). And honestly, being a little left-brained helps me get stuff done. So it's actually a blessing in disguise.

Being a missionary and being human are not mutually exclusive. I know, this seems kind of dumb, but I'm discovering something about being a church worker. There's pressure there. I mean, my goodness, people have paid good money to support me on this trip. They put a lot of faith and trust in me. It's quite a burden. Especially since we're dealing with spiritual matters. It's kind of terrifying. You sit there thinking "Oh my goodness, I don't want to mess this up!" But at the same time, it does get messed up. So here I am with a dilemma. I want to be as perfect as possible because I have an image to uphold, but at the same time I do a really good job of royally messing everything up. So the last couple of days I've thought about it and decided "This isn't going to work and so we're just going to forget it." Not that I'm not trying. We should always try to be more Christ-like. That is our goal as Christians after all. But the idea is that I try to grow in the faith and do my best and God's grace will cover the rest. It's hard for me to let go like that not even going to pretend and say it is. Because there's a part of me that's like "I've done some really dumb things and made some really bad mistakes in my life. How will grace ever cover what I've done?"

It's like the preacher at the congregation I visited yesterday said. "He will take you back. Do we deserve it? No. But it's okay because He loves us anyway and he will take us back. " That's encouraging to me.

Anytime you work in the church, there is a standard people hold you too. The key is understanding within yourself that the standard is man-made and you're no better than anyone else. Once you realize this, you can let it go and more effectively live life for Him.

God Wants Me in Russia

So, In order to make this trip, I had to raise about $18,000. Which sounds like a lot of money but if you think about the fact that it's what I'm living on for a year, it really isn't that much.

I'm not going to lie, I was terrified to start fundraising. As I've probably mentioned before, fundraising is something that every beginning missionary dreads doing. Who really wants to go around asking people for money? That's just awkward.

Anyway, I had managed to raise about $10,000. Which is pretty good. How did I do it? Well, mostly I just sent packets out to individuals explaining what I was going to be doing the next year. There was one congregation who took up a collection for me and who are also supporting me monthly. Most everything else was one-time gifts.

Now, my fundraising kind of hit a stand-still. I was hovering about that ten thousand mark and it seemed like the gifts had pretty much tapered off. Oh dear. Because there is no way I could go to Russia and be able to stay the year on $10,000. So what did I do? I sat down and figured out that if 8 individuals or congregations would pledge to support me $90 a month, I would reach my goal. I also figured out that if I had five people willing to pledge that, I would be able to make it through the year. So my goal became "five pledges but ideally, I need 8" So I prayed about it and got ready to call churches and beg for money.

But a funny thing happened. Wednesday night, I was at church and I asked for fundraising prayers. I explained what I needed and several people asked questions. The next thing I knew, one woman had said that she would be willing to pledge 90 a month. I was so excited. But then it got even better. Thursday someone else said they would pledge and Friday a family who knows me said they would support monthly as a birthday present. I prayed and waited and within three days I had three pledges. But it gets better.

The teen group I spoke to back in June was inspired by what I had to say. They decided that they wanted to kind of adopt me and help support me. So they started collecting money and they also decided to hold a comedy night fundraiser with donations going towards my trip. I had also heard that the elders at their congregation were going to match whatever they raised.

I thought about it and started praying "God, I could really use $500..." But then I stopped and thought. I mean I assumed that $500 was about what they all could do. Yet, ask and you shall receive right? Besides, I've been studying about the power of faith lately and thought this was potentially a good way to test it. So I changed my prayer. "Actually God, what I really need is $1000. It would make it so much easier if I could get $1000 from this fundraiser." After praying about it, I didn't worry about it. I figured God would make it happen.

Saturday night we went to the comedy show and had a great time! The teens did a good job and it was just and all around great evening. At the beginning of the night, one gentleman stood up and talked a little bit about my trip and what the teens had been doing to raise money for me. For example, when they went out to eat they would order water instead of pop and then take the money they would've spent on the drink and put it towards my trip. Cool things like that. Anyway, so they were talking about my trip and this man goes "They asked the leadership to match what they raise. Unfortunately, we can't write a blank check but we will match a thousand dollars." Bam! Right there, five minutes in, my prayer was answered. I was getting at least a thousand dollars from the church. Plus whatever the teens raised on top of it. Grand total I was expecting $1,500. God wasn't done yet.

Sunday evening I was visiting another congregation. After church, I got a text message from my dad. He informed me that the unofficial count from the fundraiser and teens was in. The church was giving me $1,000 and the teens managed to raise another $1,500. Grand total I'm getting about $2,500 from them. I was blown away.

When I started this post, I was going to go on and talk about how God must want me in Russia because he's brought me the money with minimal effort on my part. Maybe it sounds trite but the most work I've done specifically towards fundraising was send out those packets. Other than that all I've done is talk about it and express need. God has done an amazing job working out, not only the money but potential issues with getting into and staying in Russia as well. I am extremely blessed!

And speaking of blessings, I was thinking as I was typing this about the effort the teens put forth. I mean, they set their minds to helping me and were committed to it and look where they ended up. It's amazing! Not only that but look at the way God blesses us. I gave up time to speak to the teens. I didn't think it was a big deal but through what I said they were touched and blessed. In return, they have blessed me as well. I don't think they realize just how much having that $2,500 means to me. It's the difference between going and staying. This is the way it's supposed to work. We each give, each throw our hearts into blessing others and the blessings will come back tenfold.

My Banner is Clear

I've been haunted by things from the past of late. If you're Facebook friends with me, you may have seen that I discovered some pictures from my exchange year that I'd forgotten about. Which is cool. Good memories and everything.

I've been doing a lot of cleaning and organizing in preparation for my journey and today I discovered the Bible that I carried with me in High School. I need to take a moment to explain how I feel about Bibles. I am a huge fan of marking them up. *Gasp!* I know, right? But it's a place to keep thoughts, feelings, ideas etc about scripture and/or lessons and sermons I've heard. Hence the reason my current Bible has a journal in the margins. Perfect for notes :)

Anyway, so the Bible I carried in High School was a teen study Bible and it's pretty beat up. Not only that but some of the notes are rather interesting. The most interesting feature, however, is how I decorated the inside covers. There are notes about communion bread making, numbers for my favorite songs from our song book, the word "Believer" written in Russian and something else written in Hebrew, song lyrics and a host of other things. On the inside of the front cover is something I'd completely forgotten about.

My cousin is a preacher and when he was first doing a sermon or communion speech for us, he shared a little... I don't know it's not really a poem, with us. I copied it in to the front of my Bible because it spoke to me. I couldn't remember where it came from so I did a little research. Apparently it was written by a pastor in Africa who was martyred. I hope it brings you as much encouragement as it did me.

I am part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have Holy Spirit Power. The die has been cast. I've stepped over the line, the decision has been made. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ!

I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is clear. I am finished with low-living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tame visions, worldly walking, cheap talking and dwarfed goals.

My face is set, my goal is fast, my goal is Heaven. My road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are few, my Guide is reliable, my mission is clear. I won't give up, shut up, let up until I've stayed up, stored up and prayed for the cause of Christ.

I must go til he comes, give til it hurts, preach til everyone knows and work til he stops me. and when he comes to claim his own, he'll have no problem recognizing me. My banner will be clear!

It's in the Mail

oh my gosh! oh my gosh!

Yeah so my letter of invitation is totally on a FedEx truck/plane right now. This. Very. Instant. Suddenly it's hit me that I'm actually going to be leaving. Soon. What?! This is craziness. Pure craziness.

My Mother Was Right...

As much as I hate to admit it, it's true. For those of you who read this blog for the express purpose of hearing about my journey to Russia, we're going to digress a little bit today. Okay, a lot.

Anyway, growing up I was pretty much a tomboy, let's just make that clear. I preferred to be outside, didn't like to dress up and so on and so forth. I would tell my mom that I was going to stay single forever and never have kids. Instead, I wanted to be an accomplished career woman living in a little apartment in the Big City with a dog. Mom was very good. She never quashed my dreams but she always told me that it was good to keep my options open because some day I might change my mind.

Well friends, some day is today.

Okay well not literally today. But it's here. Staring me in the face.

Yes, that's right. I'm succumbing to Womanhood! *Gasp* NOOOOO!

So in recent months. Namely since May, I've discovered something interesting. I like running a household. I know, right? Me. I find myself feeling very fulfilled when I spend afternoons alternately working on Russia stuff and doing dishes and laundry. And the days I feel really special and important? The days that mom works late and it's my job to make dinner for Dad and my Brother. Oh yes... Suddenly, I find myself thinking "You know, it would be really nice to be married and have a family," Yes, that's right. I think it.

If you know me, you also know my aversion to children, or rather Children's aversion to me. I mean, I like kids and all but I've never been one of those "Let me fawn all over your children" kind of people. Kids tolerate me and I like them in small doses. So it's kind of a shocker for me when I'm sitting at the park alternately having devo time and watching the families and thinking "If those were my kids I would..." Yeah. That's right. I've started having maternal moments. It's rather terrifying actually.

Plus, I've become more sentimental in my old age.
I cry during chick flicks
I cry during disney movies
I cry during Conan the Barbarian (Okay that was because of the terrible scripting)
I cry when I read novels
I cry when I think about this summer
I cry when I hold babies

I feel like I could just go to Africa and supply all those well-less villages with water. We could just desalinate it and we'd be good to go.

All joking aside though, it's kind of weird for me to discover this. I mean I've always liked helping people. But this is different. My boyfriend stops by after work and I'm like "Let me feed you and take care of you!" (At least I don't have to walk him) or with my brother today. I informed him that I was making tacos tonight and he goes "Oh goody! I'll come home for dinner then." which made me feel all warm and fuzzy.

Basically, this terribly independent, liberated, no nonsense woman, famed for the fact that she "Don't need no man to buy/make/help/do..." has discovered that she kind of enjoys taking care of the men in her life.

Hats off to you, Momma.

Are You Still Looking for Funding?

So, things are slowly coming together. Actually, in some ways they are starting to come together quite quickly. You see, I was finally able to reach a consulate in Ukraine who said that they could help me when it was time to get a new visa. All this was well and good and I was pretty excited until I realized that I had no budget to travel to Ukraine 3ish times, stay there for two weeks and get a new visa. I was starting to stress about it and finally I had a long chat about it with God and tried not to worry.

Maybe a day or two later, I got an e-mail from Joel. Basically he informed me that we were switching things up with my visa because he was going to get me a year-long multi-entry business visa. Say what? That's right. Not only is my visa going to be good for an entire year, but I will be able to exit and re-enter the country. Can I get a Whoop-Whoop? There was a flurry of activity to get the paperwork in for the letter of invitation which, I was informed would take about a month to process. It will then be FedExed to me and it will be probably about 10 days on my end to actually get the visa, pushing my departure date back to sometime just after Sept 20th.

Which was actually just fine for me. Why? Well, because I'd been looking at my funding and even without having to go to Ukraine three times, I was still kind of worried.

Which brings me to my new favorite question:

Are you still fundraising?

I've had several people recently who are interested in funding my trip ask me this. The answer, dear friends, is always yes. I don't care what the "deadline" was on the paper. The answer is still yes.

You see, we are missionaries. What does that mean? It means that local churches and individuals support us so that we can focus our energy on teaching, preaching, encouraging, sharing and generally spreading God's word. As a result, sometimes there are sudden expenses on the field, trips, emergencies, etc. Or sometimes a congregation that has been supporting a long-term mission suddenly decides it can't any more and pulls funding.

My point in telling you this is that you shouldn't let the fact that a mission might already be funded stop you from giving. Chances are they aren't. And if by some miracle they have all the money they budgeted for, your support could go toward helping another project that otherwise might not be possible.

Now, would anyone be interested in giving $90 a month to support a lovely young lady in Russia...? :P

Why Are You Using a Russian Bible When Church is in English?

I recently met a young couple who are new to this area and had the pleasure of spending an evening at Dairy Queen getting to know them. She was an MK and grew up in Austria and Germany. He majored in Bible with an emphasis on missions and spent time in the Ukraine. One of the things we discussed was this question. Well, not this question exactly. But something similar.

Though I have never actually physically been asked this question, I'm sure there are those of you out there who have seen some random person with a Bible that looks a little bit different than yours. Namely, it looks like this: Библия: В русском переводе

Or maybe not quite like that.

But anyway, back to my story.

The next time I saw this young couple, they were kind enough to let me borrow some song books and a bible that they had picked up in Ukraine.

This does have something to do with the question. I promise.

So I've been kind of flipping through the song books and such. It's been fun seeing what songs some of the Ukrainian congregations are singing. Then I stumbled upon one of my favorite songs, Send the Light. For those of you who don't know this song, I like to think of it as kind of the "Missionary Anthem" as it's all about taking the light to people in other places.

The second verse of this song is what I find most interesting.

We have heard the Macedonian Call today,
Send the light, send the light.
And a golden offering at the cross we lay
Send the light, send the light.

Pretty straightforward right? Yay.

Well, I was skimming through the Russian and the first line was translated such:

Македонский крик звучит и в наши дни

And suddenly a light bulb went off in my head and I was like "Oh!" New understanding dawned. Why? Well because if you translate the Russian line back into English it comes out something like "The Macedonian cry sounds even in our days"

When you put it like that, it means a lot more. All of a sudden, I wasn't just thinking about a reference to some dead guy who wrote half of the New Testament (No offense, sir). Instead it suddenly became more real. The Macedonian call goes out even today. Today. Now. Right now. This very moment. We are supposed to be sending the Light. Everywhere. I guess it just made it more tangible to me.

Then, I read the rest of the Russian translation of the second verse...

Македонский крик звучит и в наши дни:
Дайте света, дайте света.
Не покиньте бедных погибать одних
Дайте света, дайте света.

So... In English we hear the call to send the light and lay golden offerings at the cross. In Russian, the call is going out to Give the light. The third line of the stanza then imperatively commands people to not leave the poor to die alone. Yes, that's what I said.

The Macedonian cry sounds even in our day,
Give the light, Give the light!
Do not leave the poor to die alone,
Give the light, give the light.

Now, I don't know about you but to me, personally reading the Russian is kind of like a slap in the face. It gives me this feeling and sense of urgency that I don't feel when I read the English version of this song. In English it's like "La la la...oh yes we should be sending someone else to take the light...yay..." In Russian it's more like "HEY! HEY! YOU! YES YOU! WE'RE DYING HOPELESS HERE, GIVE US THE LIGHT!!! HELP US!!"

I mean, no offense to Mr. Charles H. Gabriel. I'm sure he had the best of intentions and spoke from the heart when he wrote this song. And it was written in the late 1800s after all.

But this brings me back to my point. Why do I follow along in an English church with a Bible that's in Russian? Because it's amazing what you can learn. I don't know about you, but often I will sit during worship service and kind of zone out. You get to the point where it's like "I've sung this song a thousand times, I've heard sermons similar to this one, I've read this verse over and over" You've done it so many times or heard it so much that after a while you become numb to it and don't even think about it any more. So to read it in a different language, often sheds insight onto the same, old, tired thing. Often it's just because things are worded slightly differently, or you read it in a way that makes you get something new out of it.

Is all of this making sense?

Good.

I encourage any of you out there who are studying a foreign language to pick up a Bible in that language. Even if you don't know the language well. Reading will not only help you improve your language skills, but the benefits run deeper as well.

Women in Ministry

I spoke at a Ladies' day last Saturday. That plus speaking to a group of teens plus reading some friends' blogs and just a combination of things got me thinking. What about? Well, about women in ministry and women in missions.

I feel like often people don't think about women doing missions. Especially in the Church of Christ. Why? Well, because the men are supposed to be the spiritual head and they are the ones who run the worship service and therefore we women resign ourselves to teaching children's classes, making communion bread and marrying preachers.

Not that these jobs aren't important. Not by any means. I mean let's be real here, what guy knows how to make good communion bread? No, I'm just kidding. There are quite a few guys out there who cook a lot better than I do. But I digress.

My point is that you need to find your niche. The Church of Christ prides itself on being based on New Testament example. Let me tell you what Ladies, if you're not out there finding ways to share your faith, that's wrong. There are plenty of examples of New Testament women who got out there and were actively involved in the works of the church. Lydia invited people to gather in her home, Lois and Eunice brought Timothy up to know Christ and the women in Luke 8 went with Jesus and the Disciples and provided for them with their own money. Kind of a big deal since that was in the days before women's lib.

So is it wrong to go into the ministry with a husband? No. Men need a helpmate and if that's what God has called you to do, then by all means do it. But what I'm saying is that you need to consider your options and keep an open mind. Be creative. We are all called to share our faith. If we're not doing that, we're wrong.

Single ladies, I know a lot of times you think you need a husband in order to go into the ministry. But you can find your own ministry separate and apart from that. I know single women serving in Russia, China, Burkina Faso and of course here in the states. What are your talents and gifts? How can you serve? If you like children, then by all means teach children's classes. Do you relate well to teenagers? Start a mentorship program for teenage girls.

We all have people that only we can reach. Whether it's here or abroad. I think a lot of times congregations focus on certain, common ministries such as youth or seniors. Often they overlook women. So reach out to the other women in your congregation. Start a night where you get together and just have girl time.

It doesn't have to be formal, it doesn't have to be a big deal. But ladies, I encourage you to get out there and find where you belong in God's Kingdom. We are one body but we have many parts.



Please note that this does not apply to women in worship. While, like all organized denominations, I think the Church of Christ has some issues. I feel that scripturally men are the ones who need to be leading in worship. Just trying to head off the nasty comments before I get them.

Reverse Culture Shock

My brother came home from China a couple of weeks ago. It's been interesting to see how he's been dealing with being back. He was in China for two years. He came back for about six weeks last summer and didn't seem to really have any major issues with returning to the states. I think this second year he got a lot more into the culture and Chinese life though, because it's been interesting having him back.

I had a really rough time when I first came back from my exchange year in Russia. I felt extremely strange, it felt like no one understood my thoughts, feelings or views. There were things here that just didn't make sense because I was used to the Russian way of doing them. It was weird. And it's been very interesting seeing reverse culture shock from this side.

It started when we went to Dollar General. My brother started completely freaking out in the grocery aisles. I asked him why. He explained it was because a lot of the American food they were selling was hard to come by in China, or they didn't have it at all and so to be faced with it all at once and having it be so cheap was a little overwhelming. I understood. My city in Russia never had a variety of brand or varieties of a product at once. When I came back from the states, the amount of variety we have here was rather unsettling.

My brother also found it weird that he could understand everything everyone was saying. While he is not fluent in Chinese, he was exposed to it every day and gained a decent amount of survival Chinese. He was used to being able to just kind of ignore what everyone around him was saying and think about other things. Here, he finds understanding everyone to be distracting.

He also laughs because "Everyone here has an accent." Meaning he is very attuned to the patterns in which people speak. I can definitely feel him on this one. When I came back from Russia, it was weird to hear all that english. I remember my parents were watching Good Eats on the Food Network when I came in the room. I stopped, listening to Alton Brown. After a moment I was like "I have to leave." My parents asked why and I explained that Alton Brown talks funny and it was driving me nuts.

There are other things too, such as his random fits of the giggles during worship services. I've mentioned this before but other countries don't take Christianity for granted like we do. As my brother put it, "Christianity is America's folk religion." Meaning that a lot of people are "Christian" because that's what we do here.

Anyway, those are just a few interesting examples of how my brother is adjusting back to life in the states. He asks me things like how long it will last, or mentions things that bother him. I just nod and tell him I understand. Other than that I don't know what to do. Talking about it with people who've been there helps. Aside from that, you just kind of have to work through it.

A Day in the Life of a Missionary (Part A)

So, I always wondered what it is that missionaries do a on a regular basis. So I decided to do a series. This is the first part. The second part will come when I'm actually in Russia. But even though I'm not actually in-country yet, Being a missionary is still a job. So here's a sample of a day in my life.

My day starts at 3 a.m. with a call to the Russian consulate in Helsinki, Finland. I've been trying to figure out some visa issues and am attempting to call places who may be able to help. I manage to get a hold of someone at the consulate general who directs me to a different number.

3:20 a.m. My attempts at calling the new Helsinki number are met with a busy signal. I decide to try calling the consulate in Lvov, Ukraine. It's busy there as well. I try Finland again...

3:30 a.m. After trying both locations several times, I resolve to try again in a few hours.

8 a.m. I try the consulates several more times. Still nothing.

1 p.m. I work on a lesson for tomorrow night. I am speaking to a group of teenagers at a VBS about how God can work unexpectedly in their lives and can use them even when they can't completely see his plan. I get ideas for how I'm going to present my topic while creating a video to show.

5:30 p.m. I take a spiritual gifts assessment to help me better define myself and what I can help with in the Russian church.

6 p.m. I work on putting my ideas for tomorrow's talk down on paper

6:45 p.m. I eat dinner and relax with my family

So there you have it. A day in the life of a missionary who is preparing to go out on the field.