Relief

Let me just take a moment and tell you how awesome God is.
I just came off of spring break. Well, it was sort of a break but I did do a ton of homework and such while at home, because, well, there's a lot of it to do. By the end of my time at home, I'd gotten through some things and worked really hard at it, but there were still some things that needed to be done.

Friday for example, I went to bed thinking "Okay, I have this ten page paper that's due Tuesday and I have no topic and not a lot of research. Plus I have a Psych test on the same day that I haven't studied for yet and..." The list went on, full of things I had to do my first few days back or shortly thereafter. Even though there were only six weeks of school left, I had no idea how I was going to get through them. I thought to myself "If only the paper were due Thursday, then I would have time to do it." Then I thought to myself "Well, with God all things are possible and he'll get me through the next six weeks." I feel asleep.

When I woke up on Saturday morning, I checked my e-mail. The professor of the class where I had to write the paper informed us that she was moving the due date to Thursday. I was happy. "Good," I thought. "Now I'll be able to get this stuff done." Yet life can be tricky. I didn't get as much done as I hoped and I was super stressed. I was really upset when my parents brought me back to school Sunday night. How am I ever going to get this stuff done? I just kept telling myself that it would work out somehow, I had no idea how. But it would.

Sunday afternoon, I worked on research for my paper, and I kind of forgot that I had that Psych test on Tuesday. It's okay I can always study tomorrow. Monday, one thing lead to another and it was 11 p.m. before I was able to even open my notes and look at them. Fail. I prayed. "Dear Lord just please get me through this test tomorrow. Please. Have mercy on me because I didn't study. Help me."

When I got the test on Tuesday, I started to panic looking at the multiple choice questions. I prayed again, flipped the test to the back and started with the short answer. After answering a few questions there and mentally chanting a prayer "Lord, Help me! Help me! Help me!" My brain seemed to unlock and I was able to at least complete the test. After I made it through, I decided that my Tuesday afternoon would be dedicated to finishing stuff for my online class that's due Thursday and then I would spend Wednesday afternoon writing my paper. It was a great idea, except my professors had other plans.

My translation professor gave us a huge translation due Thursday, plus a final draft of another translation also due Thursday. So now I had an entire unit to do for my online class, two translations to work on and a ten-page paper, all due Thursday. So last night, I spent hours working on the online class. I managed to even beast the test which made me happy.

This brings us to this afternoon. I get back from class and I'm like "Okay, I'm going to do the translation first because it won't take as long, and then I'll do as much as I can on the paper. If worse comes to worse, I'll e-mail her and ask for an extension through the weekend, because once I get through the week, I'll have time to do it." So I sit down at the computer. Before getting started, I decide to check my e-mail because the Prof in the class where the paper's due said she would send us some information. There was no e-mail from her, but my psych prof sent one saying she had posted the grades. I went and checked mine and immediately began giggling hysterically. My roommate asked what was going on. "Would you believe it? I got a 90! I did better on this exam than my last exam!" God is awesome. And before you go saying "Yeah, right you prayed and he gave you an A." Let me just explain a little more because it gets better.

So I was trying to decide if I wanted to e-mail the other prof about a paper extension now, or wait and see how much I got done. I decided to look at my e-mail again and keep it pulled up in case she did e-mail. To my surprise when I reloaded the page, there was a note from her. It's subject "Paper Extension." My breath caught as I opened it.

"Dear Students, I was having trouble uploading some things so I will try it again tonight. In the meantime, I'm extending your paper due date to Tuesday, April 5th."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! <----- That's what I did. My roommate goes "Are you okay?" I replied that I wasn't sure whether I wanted to laugh or cry. She gave me a funny look and went to class. Turns out I did both. I laughed and then I hit the floor literally crying in relief. Whereas before all I could do was say "Lord have mercy, help me" over and over now all I could say is "Thank you!"

Maybe it's a coincidence. It's possible I suppose. I don't know what it was about the situation. I mean, I kept telling myself it would work out. I don't know that I felt like I had complete trust that it would, but deep down I think I knew that this was fleeting. Maybe it has nothing to do with prayer and everything to do with people. It's possible. But let me explain that in my time here I don't think I've ever had a paper due date moved before. If I have it's only been once. Never twice. I wasn't sure I'd be able to do it, but doggone it I was going to try and I was determined to make it through this week. Now I know I'm going to.

The first thing I thought of when I got up was the parable Jesus tells Simon Peter in Luke 7. Jesus talks about two men who are in debt. One owes fifty denarii and one five hundred. The man whom they are indebted to cancels both debts. Jesus' then asks "Which will love him more?" and Peter answers the one who had the greater debt. I feel like I understand that man in debt a little better now.

Christian Training School

This is not part of the WWW curriculum, but is something I've been doing on my own. Every year, the local congregations in my area get together for a Christian Training School. We spend five consecutive Monday nights taking a class. Every year the class choices are based on different topics, and there are always interesting selections. This year among the offerings was a class on Islam, a singing class, a history of the church and a forgiveness class. I took the Ladies' class this year which is basically "Women in Missions Here and Abroad." Coincidence that they're offering this class while I just happen to be getting ready for a year long mission? Well, my mom is the coordinator for the class this year and was having trouble coming up with ideas... ;)

Anyway, each week we have different women coming in to speak about what it's like on the mission field. My mom was worried that the class was going to get boring because every week someone was going to stand up and give a sort of mission travelogue. It hasn't been that way at all though. Each speaker we've had has brought a new and different perspective to the area of missions. Whether it's a single woman working in Honduras, a married woman who spent two weeks in Romania, a newer Christian trying to shine her light at her workplace, or the ways in which local congregations are reaching out to their communities.

It has been an eye-opening experience and has given me a lot of food for thought and good ideas to incorporate into my own journey. If you are someone who is planning on going into missions, I would definitely recommend spending time talking to people who've been in the field and get some firsthand accounts of what it's really like.

Why Russia?

A lot of people ask me the following question. "Why did you decide to study Russian?" Sometimes I occasionally get the question "Why are you going to Russia?" Although I generally try to head this one off before it gets asked. It's true confessions of Abigail time in the blog today. As I was getting ready for the day I was doing some thinking and realized something.

Russia scares me.

Yes, that's right. You heard me correctly. Russia scares me. Funny isn't it? I've learned the language and culture of a place that I'm hesitant to go to. I spent ten and a half months in a place that I don't like.

What is it about that place that scares me?
I have no idea.
It's not really that I'm terrified for my personal safety or anything. There are just somethings about Russia that are intimidating.
It could be the wildness of the country, how it's not really European, it's its own place. It could be the government, it could be the cities, it could be the language or the people. It could be the history, the school system, the healthcare system, the food, the living style. It could be because my exchange year was rough sometimes. Or it could be a combination of all of the above and more.

So why am I going to Russia if it's a scary place?
The easy answer would be "God called me," but that would be ducking out without answering the question and not to be rude, but we all get tired of hearing people talk about "God's Call." Do I feel like God is calling me to Russia? Yes. Do I think he's been preparing me for years to go do this, even before I really knew this is what I wanted to do? Yes. Did I make an Oath to God that I would go serve the Russian people? No. Am I really obligated to go? Not really. Do I have freewill to go? Yes. Will I feel like I've missed an opportunity to shine for the Lord if I don't go? Yes.

Now that we have all that out of the way, back to the original question. Why go if it seems scary?
Anyone who knows me, knows that I don't like to take the easy way out. I've always felt the need to be different. Do things differently than everyone else. Choose the harder way. I speak French, I could just as easily have contacted WWW and said, "Hey, put me in touch with France!" That country doesn't scare me. But that would be too easy. Maybe it's about sacrifice? Or maybe it's about my comfort zone? I don't know for sure. I'm having trouble putting my emotions into words, but I can tell you this:

I've learned that the hardest trials bring the greatest rewards. Maybe I sound cliche. But it's the truth. Why Russia? Because getting out there in a place that makes me feel uncomfortable, will make me rely more on God and trust in him to take care of me and remind me that everything is going to be alright.

Bible Study: Commandmants 6, 7, 8

I'm the chaplain for Kappa Phi, which is a sisterhood of Christian women. This means that once a month, I put together bible studies for the group. We've been studying the ten commandments this academic year and I noticed there are a lot of studies out there overviewing all ten commandments, but not really any where the commandments are split up. So I thought I would share. This activity is meant for reflection and discussion. At the end, I read Romans 13:8-10.

The following verses relate to the three commandments we are studying this evening. In your groups read through these verses and categorize them into stealing, murder, or committing adultery. Do Not split these verses up amongst your group members, rather you should read them together. This is not a race. The idea is to think about the implications of these verses and discuss them amongst yourselves. At the end, we will read one more verse and close in prayer.


Exodus 20:14
Exodus 21:12
Zech. 5:3
Rev. 21:8
Lev 20:10
Lev 19:11-12
Matt 19:16-19
Prov 6:32
Exodus 20:13
Matt 5:27-28
Deut 24:7
Jer. 7:8-10
Ex 20:15
Matt 5:32
Ex. 22:1


If you need discussion ideas:
-What are the punishments for breaking these laws?
-How are these verses similar? how are they different?
-How does the Old Testament view of these laws differ from the New Testament?
-What are the contexts for these verses? (Other verses around them; historical and cultural background)
-Have you broken these laws? How did you feel after?
-What does it mean to murder, to steal, to commit adultery?

Why Don't Earthquakes Scare Me?

It's been several months since the bombing in Moscow's Domodedovo airport. Today it is time for me to write about it. Indirectly.

When I found out which airport in Moscow had been bombed, I completely freaked out. I had an anxiety attack and felt anxious for several days. The bombing took place at the international baggage claim. I've traveled through that airport several times and the fact that it was the international area made it even worse. For several days all I could think about was "What if there's some kind of terrorist act while I'm in Russia? What if I get hurt or killed or something?"

Yesterday Japan was hit by an earthquake. The last time I checked the death count was over 2,000 and there is fear of a nuclear disaster akin to Chernobyl. There were around 35 deaths in the Moscow bombing. Other then the threat of a nuclear disaster, what happened in Japan doesn't scare me. And even with the threat of nuclear disaster I'm not as paralyzed with terror as I was when I found out about Domodedovo at work today, I began to think about why.

Now before I go any further, I know some of you are thinking "Well Abigail of course this doesn't affect you. It happened in Japan, not Russia." Yes, but over the summer there were fires all around Moscow and I didn't have the same reaction to those as I did to the bombing.

So again, back to the question. Why did the bombing bother me so much? Why didn't the earthquake or the fire scare me?

An answer soon started to emerge.

One of these things is not like the others, one of these things just doesn't belong...

Had to get my little blast from the past there.

I'm serious though.

An earthquake is a natural disaster. A fire (in this case) is a natural disaster. A bombing is not.

Natural disasters are forces that are often unexpected and cannot be helped. Terrorist attacks are unexpected and should be helped. And therein lies my issue.

I suppose it's equally likely that I could go to Russia and there could be some horrible natural disaster that could kill me just as easily and possibly more easily than a terrorist attack. Fire, Flood, Earthquake, Tornado, Tsunami. I mean, one could kill me here for that matter. But in either case, it's something that can't be helped. The terrorist bombing in the Domodedovo airport, and terrorist acts in general, are distressing because the people who are killed didn't *have* to die. It is just senseless murder. And that is what upsets me.

Because things should be different. (Oh yes, you didn't think I'd be able to tie this back to missions did you?) What if these people had been taught differently? What if they knew another way? A lot of Russia's problems stem from discontent in Chechnya. What if there was a way to work with both sides to keep from overusing violence?

I know, you're probably thinking I'm an idealist, that I'll never change the world, or even that I've spent a little too much time hanging out with the hippies here at SPU, but I don't know. What I do know is that the system is broken and people are broken. Not just in Russia, but everywhere else as well and I want to do what I can to help.

Training

I've had some people ask me what exactly I'm doing with WWW since I'm not actually in Abilene taking the class twice a week. Well, I'm going to be attending their Missions Focus weekend in May and I'm working on trying to get there for a few days during spring break. I'm also on the list as auditing the class, meaning I have access to the readings and information that they post online for the class which has been most useful.

So what exactly does my training involve? Reading. Lots of it. Some of it was suggested to me by the director of WWW and some of it I'm doing on my own because I think it would be useful. I'm currently making my way through the book Eternity in Their Hearts. This book is about how people have been prepared to receive the gospel message before people actually came to share it with them. Since it's broken down by cultures, I'm trying to do one a day and treat it as a devotional. I'm also trying to journal about my impressions and thoughts on what I read.

In addition to using that book for devotional time, I'm also reading The Eternal Kingdom by F.W. Mattox. This is a book I'd heard about and thought would be useful to read. I feel like it fits nicely with my other training. This book is basically an overview of church history from the time of the apostles up through the Restoration movement. It's really interesting so far and I'd recommend reading it. One of the most interesting things that I've learned from it is that there really is nothing new under the sun. There was a part of me that always thought the early church was "purer" than Christianity today. But through reading this book, I've come to realize just how quickly and easily the early church became corrupted. It's kind of terrifying if you actually think about it. I've read up through the establishment of the Papacy so it's getting pretty intense.

I know many of you are thinking that you can't just do missions training from a book. You need some interaction with people and I am inclined to agree with you. It's why I'm working on getting out to Abilene next month and I'm going there in May. I'm also doing a little extra as well. Through the end of February and most of March, the churches in my area have Christian Training School. For five weeks you can go and take a class. It just so happens that this year, one of the classes they are offering is about women in missions. I've managed to rearrange my work schedule so that I am able to attend these classes. I'm really excited for them to start and I'm hoping that I'm able to get some good insight from these ladies.

Well there you have it, all about my training. I'm doing spiritual exercises ha ha. Anyway, if you all have any questions about this process or anything please feel free to post them in the form of a comment or drop me an e-mail and I'll do my best to answer them.

The Hardest Task

Saturday night, I went home in order to talk to the Elders at my congregation on Sunday about being my sponsoring congregation and maybe taking up a special monetary collection for me at some point. I'm not going to lie, I was terrified.

It doesn't make any sense that I should have been. I mean, I've known these people my whole life. They've watched me grow up, they've been key people in my spiritual growth, but it's hard and scary to ask people for money. Especially when I feel like I have so little confidence in myself sometimes. I was up until almost 2am the night before, praying and thinking about what I was going to say and then writing out an outline and practicing it out loud.

We met after service yesterday morning. I had written up a little brief about the Church on the Neva and also an outline of my expenses. I basically just outlined my training with WWW, then talked a little about the congregation over there. This transitioned into why I should go.

I feel like the hardest thing about my fundraising is going to be trying to get people to understand why I need to go. What I mean is that the Church on the Neva is a pretty vibrant and active congregation from what I can tell. Most people, when they think of Mission work they think of church planting or they think of serving, i.e. English lessons using the Bible, digging wells, etc. So I feel like I really have to emphasize the fact that I have a unique skill set which will allow me to reach people over there that no one else can.

After discussing why I should go, I asked them to consider being my supporting congregation. They have a regular meeting next week and I told them they could discuss it then and get back with me. The five elders were present at the meeting as well as our three preachers. When I finished, they had some really good questions and suggestions which made me happy because they were things I hadn't thought of. Our one preacher even told me that he would be happy to put me in contact with some other congregations who might be willing to help financially. That made me so happy!

My next step is to finish my fundraising presentation and then start on the creation of my packets.

New Blog

So there's a blog I've been following a bit for the last year or so and I thought I would share the link with you. Eileen is originally from my area and she's been working with the church at Rostov-on-the-Don for quite a few years. Enjoy!

From Russia with Love

Oh. My. Word.

I was supposed to blog about the Domodedovo bombing. But I can't bring myself to do it. I keep trying to avoid it. Why? Well because it affected me deeply and really bothered me and I'm having trouble forming thoughts about it.

So, instead I'm going to talk about what's been going on with the St. Petersburg plans. As I recall, we last left off where the Church of Christ on the Neva said they would like me to come work there. I feel very honored about this.

A while back, WWW sent out an information packet to Joel to fill out with all kinds of information about the mission site, the congregation and so on. I received a copy of this filled out packet yesterday or the day before. I was pretty excited to get it. Why? Well, because it has some details that I didn't know and also because it included an estimated expense report. What does this mean? Well, it means that I can now start fundraising.

This weekend, I will go home in order to talk to the Elders at the congregation in Alliance to see if they would be willing to be my "bank." Okay, that sounds cheap. Let me explain what I mean. They aren't really going to be my bank. Basically I'm going to talk to them about being my supporting congregation. This means that they will hang on to the money I raise, and dispense it to me as I need it. They will also pray for me, offer guidance and so forth. In addition to holding the money for me, I am also going to ask if they would be willing to take up a special collection for me from the members of the congregation there to help support my work in that way.

I spent a good chunk of this afternoon and some of this evening after work compiling a one page summary of the Neva congregation as well as an outline of my expense report. It was kind of exciting to see where the numbers were going. And also a little scary. Let me break it down for you:

WEEKLY EXPENSES
$15 Public transportation (per week)
$100 Housing (per week)
$100 Food (per week)
$5 Bottled water (per week)
$5 Laundry (per week)
$50 Other weekly expenses
$275 TOTAL (PER WEEK)

ONE-TIME EXPENSES
$0 Airport tax (total)
$500 Travel within the country (NOT counting the international air travel)
$(variable) Entertainment
$500 Other one-time expenses
$1,000 TOTAL

$275 per week x 4 weeks = $1,100 per month.
$1,100 x 12 months = 13,200
+$1,000 One-Time Expenses
+$2,000 (Airfare to and from country)
= $16,200


Yup, so that's where we're at. And maybe I shouldn't share with the world wide web how much money I'm going to have to raise, but I feel like in order to accurately document the experience of a missionary, I should include fundraising. It is rather important after all.

That said, if you or anyone you know would be willing to help support my work in Russia, please drop me an e-mail at languagelove at gmail dot com.

Interesting News

So, just before writing that post I was starting to feel discouraged about this whole Russia thing. I was thinking about how I probably won't be able to get a visa, and how I wasn't even sure that the church could use me. It had been several weeks since I spoke with Joel. I'd sent him a copy of my resume and my spiritual bio and I was getting antsy. I wanted to know how his meeting with the church leaders went. Was actually just on the phone with my mom about it this afternoon, wasn't sure if I should email Joel, or the Director of WWW and try to find out what news there was, if any. Right after I got back to my room and got off the phone with her, I checked my email. Wouldn't you know it, there was a message from Joel. It went as follows:

Abigail

Hi. I visited with my fellow church council (read: elders) members here and have talked to other missionaries about visas. The brothers are impressed with your credentials and have made good suggestions about how you can minister.
I don't think that housing will be a problem and I think the visa problem can be solved. I think God is blessing and leading this.

So, it is a go. I will get that form done over the next few days and sent in to Gary. I was waiting to see about the visa situation before filling all that out and got some positive news about that today.

Thanks


Yeah. So can I just say that I am super super excited? :D

Returning

So I was kind of waiting until I had something definite to post. I still kind of don't have anything official or final or anything like that, but I did skype with Joel, my contact in Peter. I think at first he though I was just some kid who wanted to come to Russia and have a good time. I'm hoping that after talking with me he understands that I've thought this through and considered it and that I've had skills and experience. I would be working with The Church on the Neva. What would I be doing there? Well, Joel informed me that they do have a group of single women between 20 and 30 who could use a sort of peer mentor. After talking to him I'm like. "So basically I would be going to Russia for a year to be friends with people? Cool!" Where would I be living? Well apparently the congregation there has a room I might be able to rent from them. But I'm not sure. I'm not really sure of anything right now. Suppose it will all work out if it needs to.

I talked to Joel for about 45 minutes. When I got off the phone, I was completely freaking out. I was excited for sure, but then I was rather hesitant. Then, I was completely and utterly terrified. This horrible pit of dread formed itself in the pit of my stomach. I said something to my mom about it and she said simply "So don't go." I thought about that too and I realized that I can't not go. I mean I guess I wouldn't have to, but I would feel like that would be wrong. Besides, I need to "get back on the horse" I need to go back to Russia.

Today on Youtube, I found videos people had taken of Yakutsk. Fairly recently too. I cried when I watched one in particular. I'm sure that it probably won't have the same effect on you but I need to share it anyway. This guy went on a business trip to Yakutsk in April of 2010.

!!!

I'm going back to Russia!!!!

Merrily We Roll Along

It's funny but it seems like my life at the moment consists of waiting, then hearing something, then waiting some more. I went and had a meeting with Mister Doctor today about my final Russian classes for next semester. I'm going to be taking Russian Civ and Russian Lit in English. I'm pretty sure that a good chunk of Civ is going to be in English too. Fail. While we were chatting, Mister Doctor wanted to know if I was interested in possibly taking Advanced Translation Practice as well next semester. Apparently Tanya, my prof for Business translation this semester, told him that I was a really good translator. To be honest, Business Translation is my most pleasant surprise of the semester.

I've been avoiding translation classes since I came here. I had decided that translation was boring and I didn't want to do it. Hence the reason I was going to be an International Relations major and so on and so forth. I got into this business class though and found out that I seriously enjoy it. The only translating I'd done before was English to Russian which I wasn't so good at, and literary. Just for the record, literary translation is horrible. You have to stop and think about every word and what exactly the author meant and was trying to convey and blah blah blah. Compared to that, Business translation is pretty amazing. You read a text, you understand it and then you basically summarize it. Oh, and you make it sound good in English.

Tanya had told me that I was doing a really good job on the texts we'd been working on, and I believed her, but then to have her mention it it Mister Doctor was a compliment. Since taking business Russian, I'm kind of considering coming back to SPU in a few years to work on a Masters in translation. But I digress.

So Mister Doctor encouraged me to take Advanced Translation. Which I would love to do. I don't particularly care for some of the projects and things that we do in Bus. Trans. but I really enjoy the translations. They keep my mind occupied. I found out that Advanced Translation covers Business, Medical, Technological and Law translation. Which sounds really fun. My only problem is time. In order to complete my lovely Degree and Certificate, I'm already taking 15 credit hours next semester. Plus, I work like 14 hours a week. I'm not sure that I want to have to deal with a class that doesn't really count for anything other than fun. But at the same time I would love to take it and get more practice in. So, I'm thinking that I'm going to audit the class. That way, if I miss a class because of something, or don't turn in a translation or something, it won't really affect my grade or GPA or anything. Planning on e-mailing Mister Doctor to find out for sure if this would be a possible option.

In other news, I heard back about the FSOT. I didn't pass. Big surprise there. I was slightly disappointed, but it wasn't devastating. I would have been surprised if I had passed. The part I did the worst on? Experience. There's a section that asks questions about your skills and I just didn't have the skills for it. Which is okay. I'll go gain some more life experience and then try it again.

Ironically, the day after I heard about the FSOT, I heard back from WWW. Oh and I heard from the Missionary in Peter that I'd e-mailed. WWW was giving me information about registering for the class. I need to e-mail them and ask about that since I obviously won't be in Texas to take the class. Should probably figure out what my next step is. Joel, the missionary, said that there might be a possibility of working there. He also sent me a couple of mission reports and his biography. I was really super excited to read about the work that was going on there. Am going to have to e-mail him back when I get a chance.

Unfortunately, that chance might not come for a few days. I'm extremely busy and stressed. In addition to my daily homework, I have two papers I'm supposed to be writing. I have to turn in a proposal for one of these papers on the 17th. Not only that, but the weekends, which are when I would generally work on this stuff, are pretty much booked up until Thanksgiving which means it's going to be rough going. Thankfully though they clear out after and I'll be able to hopefully get the papers themselves written before the end of the semester. Oh my. I cannot wait to get out.

Subconscious Exposition

I've been having a lot of dreams about Russia and Russia related things the past two nights. Russia's been on my mind a lot. I want to go back one way or another. I don't think permanently, but I do want to go back. Two nights ago, I dreamed that I went back to Yakutsk and was speaking Russian with some of my old classmates I met there. Last night I was in St. Petersburg and was working with a group of school children. We were playing this jumping game, and there were some other Americans there. This dream was mostly in English. I'm so ready to go...

Spiritual Biography

I grew up in the church and was baptized when I was 11. Both my father and grandfather are elders. Church has always been a major part of my family's life, so I was in Bible class on a regular basis and I enjoyed it a lot. From the time I was little, it was important to me to do what God wanted and wanted to please Him, so my actions reflected that. This doesn't mean, however, that I haven't had my ups and downs.

When I was little, I could not wait to go to church camp. I watched the kids go every year and couldn't wait to be among their ranks. From third grade, I went every year and had a blast. It was great to be in a place with kids my age who believed the same things I did. Church camp also brought me closer to God. I remember one year, when I was in middle school, I started the week off and wasn't really into it. I felt far away from God, and that my faith was suffering. The first night I prayed before going to bed, asking God for stronger faith. I'll never forget how he answered.

During the middle and high school weeks of camp, the girls always did secret sister. This particular year, I made a little beaded necklace for my secret sister at craft time and wrote her a note explaining the meaning of the beads I'd chosen. I didn't really think much of it when I sent it off, I felt like it wasn't a big deal. That night she decided to get baptized and I found out that part of the reason she'd made the decision was because of the note I'd sent her. My world was rocked and I was humbled. It amazed me that God could use someone as insignificant as me, as simple as a note I had spent fifteen minutes on to change someone's life. I learned that even when I feel like my faith is failing, it still can have the power to move mountains, and I understood that you never know where you've planted seeds.

Just before I started high school, our congregation hired a youth minister. Before Matt and Stacy came, we were a group of kids around the same age who happened to go to church together. After their arrival, we became a youth group. They brought us together and we became a family. We spent a lot of time together worshiping, singing and just being teenagers. It was a time that is embedded in my memory as one of learning and growing. Through our mission trips, youth rallies and bonding, I discovered how important it was to be with other believers. It was comforting to know that no matter what happened, no matter how I'd messed up or whatever problem I was having, I could go to my brothers and sisters in the youth group and they would love on me, support me and pray for me. It was an awesome feeling! It was at this point I understood that it takes a lot of different people to make a congregation. We came from extremely diverse backgrounds; some of us had grown up in strong church, others of us hadn't. We were from all different social sectors at school, yet we found friendship through the common bond of Jesus Christ.Unfortunately, this solidarity did not last. There was some shuffling of leadership in our congregation and Matt became our pulpit minister. High school progressed and we began to drift apart.

High school is a rough time for a lot of young people. There are many temptations and life can be confusing. We were caught between childhood and adulthood and sometimes we acted out, trying to deal with things. In our teen Bible class on Sunday mornings, we began to talk a lot about some of the issues facing us as high school students. People in our youth group began to struggle with these issues. Not only that, but even the adults in our church were struggling with these same issues. I began to see the world with more adult eyes and I became jaded.

From the pulpit we were told to be better people and in Bible class the teens were warned about drinking, smoking and sex. Yet I felt like all of this talking didn't matter. People were still going to do exactly what they wanted. So what was the point?. I felt like the church was full of hypocrites. People who just sat in a pew on Sunday morning and did whatever they wanted the rest of the week. I felt a lack of sincerity and it made me wonder why I had ever bothered to try to follow God. I was tired of being the good girl. Everyone else was going out and doing these things so why couldn't I? I was tired of trying.

Looking back on it, I realize that I was just as wrong as anyone else in that congregation. I was being extremely judgmental with the same kind of contempt the Pharisee held for the tax collector. So while I thought I was so much better than everyone around me, I was still wrong. At the time though, I couldn't see it and I began to withdraw. I stopped caring about worshiping and only went to church because my parents expected it and because that's what we did in my family. This low point continued until about half-way through my exchange year to Russia.

While still in high school, I decided that I was going to spend ten months in Russia as an exchange student after I graduated. When I arrived, I didn't even bother to find a church family; I decided that I didn't want to deal with it. Instead, I just focused on being in Russia. A funny thing happened though. My exchange was extremely difficult and while I wasn't really paying attention to God, there were points when it seemed like He was definitely paying attention to me. There were times when it felt like He was just reminding me that He was always there and even though I was alone in a foreign country, I was never completely alone. I'm not sure when exactly the change came. It wasn't one of those sudden epiphanies, rather it was a gradual thing. There is a point where things began to turn around.

I am an avid reader and had brought several books in English on exchange, I finished them all about halfway through my exchange. I missed English so much that I was desperate for something, anything, to read. The only thing I had left was my Bible. So one day I sat down, opened to 1st Kings and started reading. I was hooked. I had read bits and pieces of the Bible before, but not in huge chunks like this. The more I read, the more I learned and the more I learned, the closer I felt to God. It was around this time that I realized I missed being with other people who believed in God. I wasn't sure what to do though. There were two Orthodox churches, a Catholic church and an Apostolic church in my city, but I wasn't sure I felt comfortable at any of these.

A few days after this realization, I was sitting in my social studies class and my teacher was talking about all the different types of religions and groups in the city. She mentioned Orthodox, Catholic and then Baptist. After this last group, I didn't hear anything else for the rest of the lesson. I knew slightly more about Baptists than I did about the other churches in my city. I knew they were somewhat similar to what I believed, at least in the states, and that was enough for me. After class, I asked her about it and she put me in touch with a girl at my school whose father was the pastor at the church. We met, I found out where the building was, and I decided to go the following Sunday. The first morning I went, one of the songs we sang was Amazing Grace as soon as I realized it, I started crying because even though the song was in a different language and the people were strangers, we had a common belief in God. I had come home.

In Russia I had some of the greatest spiritual growth I've ever experienced. I came to realize that it didn't matter whether other people in my congregation were worshiping God, didn't matter what was in their hearts. I realized that it isn't my place to judge and that I needed to make sure that I was right with God and a true follower of him. It was also at this point that my relationship with Him became my own. Sure, I had a relationship with Him before, but in Russia I realized that if I were going to be a Christian it wouldn't be because of my parents, my family or my friends. It had to be because I was making that choice.

There are other events in my life that God has used to strengthen me, conversations with strangers, attending a state university and friends who have offered counsel, but the events I have related here are the ones that have made the biggest impact on my spiritually. While they were extremely difficult at the time, and often I didn't know exactly why I was going through them, In retrospect I can see how they have strengthened my life and relationship with God. I pray that He gives me more such opportunities.

Winkie Marching Song

You know which song I'm talking about. The one in the Wizard of Oz where they guys are marching around the Witch's castle going "Oh ee oh YO oh..." That's how I'm feeling right now. The drudgery of school is killing me. I'm so ready to be done with it. I usually feel this way in the early spring when the weather changes, but I'm feeling it now. Crud. This probably means that I am going to be going insane come spring. I've been having a hard time focusing and getting my schoolwork done. I had a couple tests that I just didn't study for and then kicked myself mentally when I got them back and saw how poorly I'd done.

You may have noticed the layout change. I felt like it was time since my life is going to be changing again. Perhaps it's a little early, but oh well. I'll probably be continuing to tweak it the next few weeks or months as I get time.

I've started applying for things, testing the waters, fun stuff like that. I took the Foreign Service Officer Test just for fun. It was probably the most low-key "standardized test" I've ever taken. Why? Well, because what happens if I don't pass? Nothing. Life goes on and I've got a backup plan so it's no big deal. I kind of enjoyed taking it to see what it was like.

In other news, I've got things rolling for WorldWide Witness. Two weeks ago I turned in my application and chose my references. One reference told me that they'd gotten a hold of her and she filled out the reference form for me which makes me happy. The other thing I had to do as part of the application process is write a three page spiritual biography which outlines things that have made a major impact on me spiritually. I'm mostly done with it, just have to finish it up and edit it. Keep a look-out for it because I'll probably be putting it into a blog post once I get it done.

It's kind of funny but the only thing I don't feel like procrastinating is stuff for that program.

Masha In Wonderland

I'm jealous of one of my exchange friend. Over the summer, she went on a Critical Language Scholarship to Ufa, Russia. She is now doing a year in Moscow. She started a blog for her time in Ufa and is continuing it throughout her stay in Moscow. I definitely recommend checking out Masha In Wonderland

I'm Lost

So I feel overwhelmed. I mean, more so than just the usual rush of college life and dealing with the everyday stresses of that. My problem is that in the back of my mind is always this nagging thing. Something poking and prodding at me, reminding me that this is the end of my safe little haven. I have applied for May graduation. I will soon be leaving SPU behind. What does that mean? It means I'm going to be entering the real world. I don't feel ready.

I feel kind of like I did when I was getting ready to end my exchange year. That panicky thought that everything was about to drastically change and who knew if it would ever be the same again. It's not quite the same as the raw terror of going back to a culture that was supposed to be mine but no longer felt that way. But it's still this feeling that life is sneaking up on me and I don't feel ready to handle it. My entire life and education has prepared me for the time when I could go forth and become a productive member of society. The only problem is that I'm not quite sure how to do that. I feel like I have no plan. Feel like life is a little crazy.

So what's my solution?

A Train Ride

This semester on Tuesdays and Thursdays I have two Russian classes back to back. A translation class for Business texts and then Modern Writers which is a lit class. As a result I end up hearing/speaking/thinking Russian for a block of about three hours twice a week. Why is this significant? Well, because I get Russian in such concentrated blocks it has caused one or two interesting dreams. By that, I mean bilingual dreams.

Last night, I had a dream that I was on a Russian train with a friend of mine. We were trying to get to Yakutsk, but were going the other way instead. Toward Moscow. About halfway through the dream I started just speaking Russian to him, even though he doesn't understand it. (In the dream or in real life) He wanted to drive from Moscow to Yakutsk in a car and I kept telling him that there were no roads. I also asked him about his passport and he didn't know where it was so we were searching for it. All of this took place in Russian. In very fluent Russian. It was super exciting!

I'm getting ready to apply for World Wide Witness, that missions program. Will be updating more as that process continues. Until then, catch you later!

Progress and Productivity

Well, I've had a rather productive day. I'm not working this summer because of various family commitments and I don't have a car. This resulted in me spending several weeks sitting around doing nothing and dying of boredrom. When I woke up this morning, I decided that I am going to make more of an effort to be productive. I'd say I'm off to a good start.

The last day or two, I've been requesting information from a lot of grad schools. Getting my list of places I'm thinking about applying to together. My list so far is as follows:

- Eastern Mennonite University

- Nova Southeastern University

- Arcadia University

These programs all have focus on the International aspects of Peace Studies and Conflict Resolution and they all have aspects to the program that I really like. These are all top choices for me, but the more I find out about the program at Eastern Mennonite, the more I like it. I would say that EMU is probably my top choice. I actually called them today to request that they send me more information and I told the girl I talked to that it would be really great if they would have someone call me to follow up. I have some questions that only a grad admissions person would know the answer to.

It's also important that I make sure I can get my admission deferred. I've officially decided to take a year and do mission work with World Wide Witness. I'm not nearly as excited about that as Grad school. I think because my exchange year was hard, and I'm a little bit nervous about going back overseas. But I did e-mail the guy I'd talked to about the program several weeks ago, letting him know that I wanted to go and asking about starting the application process. Anyway, I don't want to have to be doing paperwork and trying to apply to grad school from overseas. I did that with my undergrad and it was not a fun experience. So if I get it all taken care of and get it deferred, I'll be all ready to come back in a year and go right back to school.

Heh. I'm noticing a pattern in my life. Graduate from High School, take a year and go to Russia. Graduate from undergrad, Take a year and go to Russia. Life is a funny thing isn't it?