Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Huston, We Have a Problem

"You haven't been yourself."
"Eh, I've been feeling kind of down, but it's all good."
"No, you seriously haven't been yourself, we can tell from your blog."

And I don't want anyone to get the impression that I have a horrible host mom. Because she's actually really cool, and I've done my best to try to express that through this blog. IT's just sometimes when you get down, it seems like there's nothing good around you.

My parents called me last night because they were worried about me. I really must not be sounding like myself. Mom told me that she thinks it's more than just regular homesickness. Perhaps it's the lack of light, and you know what, maybe it is. After I wrote that blog entry yesterday, and after I wrote and e-mail to my parents, and had myself yet another good cry. It was like I suddenly started to feel better. I went outside and I took a walk and it was like I felt alive. More alive than I have in a long time. Maybe days, maybe weeks, maybe a month or two. I walked on the River because I could and I ran for the pure joy of running in the siberian cold.

I had SMSed my friend Vika and she got back with me and I invited her over for chai, which made for a good evening. And I think we're going to hit the ice rink today and try some skating. So by the time my parents called me, I was in a pretty good mood. I explained that it was the weirdest thing because I suddenly felt really really good and really really happy. The call from my parents was cool. I felt bad for making them worry, but it's nice to know that they care.

My problem was that I'd started on a slide and couldn't stop. Usually when I get down, I talk myself out of it by thinking that "Don't worry, it's not permanent." and self pep-talks and such. I also throw myself into stuff to stay busy and that helps too. But my problem this time is that I feel like I'm having trouble pulling myself out of it. Like I was doing better yesterday evening, but when I woke up this morning it was like I was back to where I was yesterday morning.

Maybe part of it is because it's holiday. We don't have school again yet, so it's hard to throw myself into that. Maybe part of it is that I've hit the mid-year slump, maybe a lot of it is that the lack of light has given me a bout of something akin to Seasonal Affective Disorder

I don't really know. What I do know is that I have to try to keep busy until school starts back up again. My mom told me to exercise more, eat less sugar, eat more fruit, maybe get out in nature if I can. So I'm doing my best to fill up the rest of vacation doing stuff with people. Perhaps ice skating tonight. I'm planning on going bowling tomorrow, that sort of thing. I've got to just keep on moving.

Even though it's not the end of the polar nights until January 20th, it is definitely starting to get lighter out. Like the light is longer. Not much, but it is. Hopefully, I can get myself feeling better and then maybe my objectivity and my joie de vivre will come back.

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