Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Philosophy Part 1

I have to go to my Russian lesson in a bit, but I wanted to take a moment to reflect. My mother says we all have these feelings and as a writer, maybe I can take them and put them in some sort of order to make people stop and go "Yes, I understand, that's me too." Or something like that. I'm paraphrasing.

I think I'm an adult. I guess technically I became an adult when I turned 18. But I never felt like an adult. Not really. I think the fact that I've become an adult is something I've been aware of for a while. I just didn't want to admit it to myself. I was chatting online with my brother today and I said "I'm an adult" and just like that I knew it was true. I'm not sure when it happened, exactly, but I know it's happened sometime in the last eight months. Maybe it was the day I got off the airport in Yakutsk? Maybe it happened when I spent a month running around various russian cities with friends? Or maybe it's just happened in the day to day stuff. I don't know, but what I do know is that part of what I've been feeling are the feelings of adulthood.

Sometimes it scares me. I'm going to be perfectly honest. Sometimes I sit on my bed and just want to cry. I want to cry for my childhood and the fact that it's gone. When I was little, they'd always tell me to enjoy my childhood because it's gone so fast. And I did enjoy my childhood. It was a happy one. But only now am I realizing how right they were.

Yet, at the same time I don't know what to do with myself. Feeling this way has got me all confused. It's like buying some new clothes that aren't my typical style but they make me look good. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this yet. Although, there's not much I can do about it. I don't think I'd be happy being a kid forever anyway. Because I can know use my powers of being an adult to influence people, and my life and that's a cool power. But how can I handle this? I'm 19 years old? I don't know anything about being an adult. I don't know much about tax forms and 401ks and work, and responsiblity. When I was a kid, I always thought that one day you just wake up and know all about these adult things and that's when you become an adult. I thought it was a magic process.

I do love the fact that because I'm 19 years old, my host families generally let me do as I please. I love the fact that I'm hanging out in a foreign country. I love the fact that I can go do things on my own, like see museums. But I'm scared. Terrified. When I go back next summer, I have to get ready for college. That in itself isn't scary. If I can handle a foreign country, I can handle a college dorm easy. I'm scared because as an adult, I now have to figure out how to pay for college, I have to get a job, I have to find a place to live, I have to feed myself, and determine what I do with my time. Which I do to some extent now, but college is different.

I guess there's no real point to this entry, really. Just thought I'd share my feelings on this with you all, not that you care. I'm also afraid because I feel like I've learned so much here. I don't mean just stuff about Russia. That's a given. But I feel like I've learned so much about life, and the nature of people, and how things work, and it's all in my head trying to get out, but I don't even know even how to begin to describe it. Which is really bad considering words are my specialty. I guess that I'll just have to keep working it out in my head, and when it straightens out, I'll write it down. For now though I need to go, or I'll be late....

No comments: