Tuesday, June 14, 2011

A Petulant Child

It's been an interesting few weeks. I'm not even sure where to begin.

I went through this phase of avoidance for a while. I don't know why I do this sort of thing. But I hate change and so often I will do things to avoid it. Namely by not thinking about it. Which is never good. There were times the last couple of weeks where I did a lot of thinking; wondering why I even want to go to Russia. I mean it would be so much easier to just stay here. But then I suppose that would be a waste of everything I've been preparing for.

I feel like the last couple of weeks I've been kind of like a petulant child. I was thinking about how I've made some decisions recently without really consulting God. Or, consulting God and then doing exactly what I wanted anyway. I imagined myself like a little kid stamping her foot and going "But I want this!"

It's kind of ironic that I had this image of myself because on Sunday the preacher talked about this exact thing. I feel like some of the sermons I've heard of late have directly related to me. Parts of them have really spoken to me, or related to things I've been thinking about.

It's also odd, the way that things can refocus you. I was kind of just going through the flow in a haze of uncertainty and avoidance and then I had a chat with one of my best friends. Katya and I have been friends and roommates and we can talk about just about anything. She came by my house the other day for a visit and we sat and talked for over and hour. Honestly, I can't pinpoint that there was anything exactly that she said or I said that refocused me. It was just the whole conversation. Maybe it's because we go from talking about ridiculous things like boys and scrabble and then in the next sentence talk about deeper things such as mission work, worship and where God is leading us.

In any case, it was an afternoon well spent and I came out of it going "Oh. I'm kind of dumb." I realized that some things in life are more important than others and I had been focusing on the wrong things. Again.

As our preacher put it on Sunday, God has everything worked out. He knows what's best for us. But sometimes we try to take the reins. We think we know exactly what we want and need and instead of focusing on God and trusting him to work it out, we go off on our own. I can just imagine God shaking his head as I go my own way and waiting patiently for me to come back to him. I am so grateful that he does wait patiently!

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