Who Are These People Anyway?

In the almost two months I've been here, I've found myself with what at school I called an "Urban Family" although here it's definitely more of a Family in Christ. In any case, it's a group of people with whom I have mutual love and support in absence of my own relatives. God has been gracious and blessed me with getting to know some awesome people so far in my time here. So I wanted to take a moment to explain who some of these people are and what they mean to me.

Joel, The Mentor
Joel is like the Obi Wan Kenobe of my apprenticeship. He's also a major player in the reason I'm here. I am extremely thankful that the day I talked to Dr. Green about the WorldWide Witness program he was about to go have coffee with Joel and that he mentioned my name. Joel has been working with the churches in Russia for something like 14 years. He knows tons about Russia and the history of the church here. Learning about this history and about being a full time missionary has been a great experience. It's been a blessing to be able to learn from him.

Luka, The Big Sister
Luka is the director of our choir as I've mentioned in several places. I would be completely lost without her. She is a woman who is on fire for God and is passionate about serving him through music. Not only that, but she's very giving of herself and her time. Without her, I wouldn't be living where I am now. I am so grateful that she took time out of her busy schedule to look at rooms with me. She has been a source of comfort when I'm missing home, lets me complain when I'm frustrated and has prayed with me often. Words cannot express how thankful I am that God has allowed me to get to know her. She is an example to me of how I, as a single woman, can serve God wholeheartedly.

Lena, The Mother
She would hate this label, but it's not like a mother mother, Maybe "Oldest Sister" is the best term to describe Lena. She and her husband, Brad, opened their home to me and I was blessed to be able to live with them for a week. During that time, I got to know Lena and I really look up to her. She always checks in to make sure I'm doing well and also to make sure I'm eating enough. She has done a ton to help me with my visa stuff and if I have any questions that I might not feel comfortable asking other people, I know I can ask her and she'll give me sound advice. Because her husband is American I feel like Lena understands better than most what it's like being a foreigner in Russia. It is very apparent that she and Brad love each other deeply and strive to be a Godly couple. Lena is a great example to me of how one can serve God as a Christian wife.

Natasha, The Good Friend
Natasha and I spend a lot of time together, partly because we both live here on Vasilevskii Island and because we're both young single women. Also because Natasha teaches English and I speak English. Natasha is a little hard to get to know, but it has been awesome getting to spend time with her. She keeps me grounded when I need it and always encourages me, reminding me that even if it doesn't feel like I'm doing anything here, the small stuff definitely counts for something and sometimes for more than the bigger stuff. I recently was blessed to get to visit her home for an afternoon and it was a great time. I am so thankful that God has put a friend like Natasha in my life.

Dima, The Big Brother
Dima is the Encyclopedia of Culture and the Master of All Aspects of Serving in the Church. He explains Russian culture to me and gives me an interesting perspective into how men in Russia think. He has been an endless source of general cultural help, word explanation and theological discussions that stretch my Russian skills to the limit. He also has me learning about all the different ways one can serve God. From answering letters from people who want to know more about the Bible, to helping count the offering money I'm learning about leadership and responsibility in the church in a way I never did back home. I am so thankful that because of Dima encouraging me to do these things, I am able to more effectively serve God.


There are of course other people in my Russian Family. It's interesting the way relationships are built and the ways you interact with people. For example, Yana, my little sister. She is fascinated by American culture and hopes to one day visit there. I love getting to not only help her practice English, but also listen to the stories about her daily life as a teenager. And then there are Sasha and Zhenya, sisters and young mothers. Through interacting with them and their babies, I've been learning about what it means to be a mother and to give of yourself to your family. That's a powerful lesson right there.

I could go on, for several more paragraphs, listing people I've met here and why I'm thankful for them. But I feel like this kind of gives you an idea. I know for me, just sitting down to write this blog post has given me an opportunity to reflect on my time here so far and really see how God has blessed this work. He truly is a powerful and almighty God!

Schools, English and the Hare Krishna

So I feel like I haven't updated you on what I do with my time for a while. Why? Because there's always something going on ha ha.

This week was busy. I feel like I'm starting to get more of a routine and find some opportunities to connect with people.

Last Wednesday and this Wednesday, I've spent the day at school with my friend Natasha. She teaches English and German and thought it would be fun to have me go speak to a couple of her English classes. The whole thing kind of exploded. I went in to speak to one or two classes and ended up doing a total of four presentations. I was there for five periods. The one class was fifth grade so I read dialogues with them. During my time there, I spoke to classes taught by a woman who lived in the States for ten years so that was interesting. I think I'm going to see about going back.

This week, I was asked to come in and speak to another teacher's class. This turned into another all day thing. At one point, the foreign language teachers were having a planning meeting and I was told to come in and was then introduced to the group. The teachers were told to make use of my English skills. Entertaining times? I think so.

Yesterday, I went to our Bible in English study group at the church and then had a quick lunch before heading to metro Sportivnaya. There is a yahoo group for Christians and missionaries in particular who work in St. Petersburg. A woman who teaches English was looking for some English Bibles to gift her students as well as a native speaker (Missionary) to come and talk with her students to give them practice. So, Joel told her he could get her Bibles and I told her I would come chat. So I went to the University of the Ministry of Finance and Economics and spent like two and a half hours with the students. Let me tell you, it was one of the most entertaining times I've had with a group of English students. We would just crack up about stuff. I can't even tell you what. But it was epic. I told the woman that I would love to come again so we'll see what works out.

Today my weekend started. I spent most of the day getting groceries which was exciting for me. I've become more interested in cooking whilst here and so am going to attempt to make myself some tastiness over the next few days. I showed up at the church about 5, which was a couple hours early for Search but actually ended up working out really well. I got to talk to Lena for a bit which is always fun and she told me she had something for me. I was like "what?" She goes "A little bit of Thanksgiving"

Brad's mom and her friend are visiting them for a week or two. Yesterday they had a Thanksgiving dinner and Lena was kind enough to bring me some leftovers. It was just wonderful! Little bit of turkey, stuffing, cornbread and cranberry sauce. I was super excited and relished every bite.

I then had chai with Marina which took us til the Hare Krishna came. Oh yes, I forgot to mention. Tonight was a very special night at Search. Why you ask? Well because we had some special guests. The Krishnaiti. Which as I mentioned are Hare Krishna in English. Apparently one of the guys Dima plays football with is one and Dima went to one of their meetings. He then invited them to come to our discussion group. Which they did. I would've enjoyed it very much I think if I'd been able to understand anything they said.

Actually, it was kind of funny, I was sitting there listening, and okay I admit my attention wanders sometimes. It happens. But often during sermons or discussions I can eventually pick it back up. Not so much with the Hare Krishna. I thought it was me, but then I didn't feel so bad when we were cleaning up afterwards and Dima was like "What did you think?" And I was like "Well, it was really hard to understand what they were saying..." And Dima goes "Yeah, it was really hard to understand. They were talking a lot about deep spiritual stuff in their religion" So then I felt better. As far as I know, the discussion went well and we were invited to go to visit the Hare Krishna at some point. So that could be interesting.

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow. Tomorrow is my free day. What am I planning on doing? I honestly have no idea. I may read, I'll probably try cooking something at some point, I'm definitely sleeping in. Oh and I may go wander around the area of Mikhailovskii Sad. I want to go be a bit touristy I think. Maybe I'll take some Gnome Pictures. I haven't completely decided yet. I just know I'm looking forward to it. :D

Daddy-Daughter Dates Part 3: Scripture and Journaling

When I've finished meditating, the next step is Scripture Reading. This is different than my daily Bible reading plan. I feel like this is kind of a chance for God to speak to me. So normally what I do is page through my Bible until I find a place that looks good and start reading at random. Generally what happens is a scripture will pop out at me. It's really amazing actually how often doing this has lead me to scriptures that I've found very applicable to what's currently going on in my life. I'll usually read the scripture or the section several times and think about it for a few minutes.

Finally, the last step in my date is Journaling. This part is kind of like when you're being dropped off at home at the end of the date. I keep a paper journal for the daily stuff, but I keep a separate journal for Daddy-Daughter Dates. This journal is more like a prayer journal. Generally what's been happening is that I start writing like it's actually a letter to God. It gives me a chance to thank him for what he's doing and has done in my life. A lot of times in my journaling, I will talk about the things in my life I'm trying to overcome, or aspects of my spiritual life I'm trying to work on. I also reflect on things God has been teaching me. Generally at the end of the journal entry I'll copy into it the verse that really spoke to me during scripture reading.

An additional note about the journal I use for this last step. Generally, I'm a straightforward, plain blank journal kind of person. However, when I was preparing to come to Russia, someone gave me a "Missions Journal" and I've found it to be an invaluable aide to my journaling. It has the general blank pages, but it also has scriptures and devotional pages for meditation and sections with questions that help me explore thoughts and ideas. If you're going to be taking up journaling as a spiritual discipline, I definitely recommend finding a journal that has some devotional type elements to it.

So there you have it, the end of my Daddy-Daughter Date. As I mentioned in the first part of this series, I've really come to enjoy these times. Afterwards, I feel much more focused, and at peace. I find that it allows me to let go of the worldly things, the stress and the craziness of life. Best of all, I'm usually much happier after I've spent time with my heavenly father.

Daddy-Daughter Dates Part 2: Meditation and Prayer

So in my last post, I explained what Daddy-Daughter Dates are and why I partake of them. This post I'm going to go into the specific aspects of my Daddy-Daughter Dates and the significance of them.

The first part of the date is Meditation
The purpose of meditation is to center myself and let go of the noise and stress around me so I can focus. It's kind of like the car ride to the restaurant. You have small talk with the guy and look forward to getting into a little deeper stuff.

Meditation for everyone is going to be a little different, but here's how I usually do it. I combine aspects of the Jesus Prayer (See this link as well) with things that I've found work for me. I'd recommend using a portion of scripture while you meditate.

I find a place that's quite and where I can sit comfortably without distractions. I shut down the computer, silence the cell and hide the iPod (It's kind of rude to be distracted during a date after all) then I get comfortable, close my eyes and begin to breathe deeply. I'll breathe in for four counts and then out for four. During this time I recite Psalm 117 first in Russian then in English and alternate the two. . If I'm really distracted and having a hard time focusing I'll start by reciting the scripture out loud and then as I become more focused, I'll change to mentally reciting it.

I'll recite one line inhaling and one exhaling. In: Praise God All People Out: Praise Him All Tribes In: His Love is Unfailing Out: His Faithfulness Endures Forever. Again, you can use whatever scripture or phrase that works for you.

Once I'm nice and focused meditation leads naturally to the next part of the date: Prayer
If meditation is the car ride, Prayer is dinner at the fancy restaurant.
The prayer is my time to talk with God. To tell him what's going on in my life and bring up my thoughts, concerns, feelings and ideas.

During the prayer time, I continue my breathing rhythm of four counts in and out, but now I pray in phrases as I exhale. In addition, the phrases are only as long as my exhale. For example: In... Out: God, guide my path In... Out: I don't know where to go.

Doing this gives the prayer itself a kind of chant like rhythm after a while. If you're comfortable you can say it out loud, usually at this point though I'm more focused inwardly and saying it out loud would feel uncomfortable.

The prayer goes on as long as it needs to, generally until I feel like I've covered everything. After the "amen," I again recite Psalm 117 in Russian and English. This time I say the lines on the exhale like I did with the prayer. When I'm finished, I open my eyes and am ready for the next part which is scripture reading and journaling.

I Love Daddy-Daughter Dates Part 1

One thing I've noticed in being here, is that sometimes I get so caught up in working for God that sometimes I forget to work with him. Or, to put it in a more straightforward, parable like form:

It happened that a man took a wife and they had several children together. The man was happy but it takes much to provide for a family. The man had always been a hard worker, but he began to work harder and more hours in order to provide his family with everything he thought they might need or want. He very rarely saw them, but all the same he had the satisfaction of knowing that he was doing great things for them. 


One evening the man came home to find that the house was dark. This was not unusual as he often came home long after his wife and children had gone to bed, yet for some reason this night the house felt particularly desolate and lonely. The man flipped on the light to discover that there was a note on the kitchen table. It was from his wife telling him that she could no longer be married to a man who didn't even know his family. She had taken the kids and left.

Okay, so maybe this is an extreme and very cheesy way of explaining it, but my point is that relationships take work. When couples are dating, they spend time together in order to get to know each other and find out if they would be compatible marriage partners. After a couple is married and their lives become busy, they have to remember to make time for each other. To continue their relationship, strengthen and grow it.

Thought God is... well... God... It's the same kind of thing. I mean I'm not saying that God is going to divorce you for never spending time with him. But what I am saying is that every relationship, even one with God takes work.

So here's how it works. I spend most of my time here working for God in one form or another. Talking to English classes, attending Bible Studies, drinking tea and building relationships with my sisters, writing letters for the Russian Bible School, helping people practice English and so on. Suddenly after a week or so of this, I'll realize that I've been so caught up in dealing with everyone else's spiritual needs that I've been neglecting my own.

I know it's happening because I'll come to a point where there's this build up of noise inside of me. That's the best way to describe it. You know how on the old TVs with antennas, if you couldn't get a channel there would just be static and a fuzzy noise? Yeah, it's like that only inside.

I pray a lot throughout my day and week, but many times it's more like when you call someone to check in with them. "hey God, I'm hanging in there. Hey God, I don't know what I'm doing, can you help me out?" That sort of thing. And as many of you know, a relationship can only go so far with quick chats and texts.

So I've had to come up with a way to rebuild my spiritual reserves. My roommate back home would call it "Jesus Time." I'll freely admit that I used to kind of laugh inwardly when she would compare it to a date with Jesus. I have been humbled however because honestly that's exactly what it is and I've discovered that I really look forward to my "Daddy-Daughter Dates" with God.

Like any date, it's a chance to spend time with God, talk to him about what's going on in my life, bounce ideas off him, tell him about my concerns and fears, de-stress, debrief and regroup for the next onslaught. I try to be in the word and searching but Daddy-Daughter Dates are different than just reading the bible and praying.

Daddy-Daughter Dates firstly involve quiet. They also require setting aside specific time, which again is what a date is supposed to be. Generally they start with meditation, go into prayer, involve scripture reading and finally journaling.

In the next blog post, I will go into more detail about the structure and working of the date itself.

My Life is a Russian Sitcom

So I should probably tell you all about my visit to Natasha's school and how I'm a super star. Instead, I'm going to tell you about a small even in my life that amused me.

I was standing in the washroom, taking out my contacts when suddenly the door was flung open. I half expected to see my neighbor Alyosha who happened to open the door on me during the same process once before but no. There in the doorway stood Tatyana Gavrilovna my landlady. "Abigail!" She said urgently. "Can you get this sim card out of my phone? We can't get it out!"

"Just a second," I replied. She seemed to realize then that my hands were wet and so she disappeared back into the kitchen. Just as I was putting the last of the solution on my contacts, there came a scraping sound  of a key in the lock. It was my other neighbor, Dima. Tatyana Gavrilovna must have heard the same sound I did because she came bustling out of the kitchen again. "Dima! Are you alive?" She asked before the young man could remove his coat or shoes, or even really have a chance to set his stuff down.

"Yes," Dima answered and before he could say anything else Tatyana Gavrilovna had thrust the phone into his hands.

"We can't get the sim card out, I've tried and it won't come. Can you get it?"

Dima proceeded to attempt to get the sim card out. He pulled on it and slid it all to Tatyana Gavrilovna's commentary. "My old phone doesn't want to give it up. Alyosha tried and couldn't get it out either." Finally, Dima had it most of the way out but couldn't get it the last bit. Tatyana Gavrilovna finally took the phone back "Let Abigail have a turn, she hasn't tried yet." So while Dima closed and locked the door (He hadn't had a chance before the cell phone assault) I took the phone and in about half a second, had finished sliding out the sim card. Tatyana Gavrilovna was ecstatic.

"See? We all had to have a turn to try and get it out."

And so, life continues on. Never a dull moment in Russia, I tell you what...

Mission Epiphany

Question of the Day: Do one's spiritual gifts change depending on where you are and what you're doing? Maybe not your spiritual gifts per se, but maybe the way in which you use them?

So, I had an epiphany the other day.

Sometimes it's hard being here, because sometimes I don't feel like I'm using my skills. Or that I'm not doing anything. I know of missionaries out there planting churches and building houses and taking care of people's health needs. What do I do? I help people with English. I listen, I show up to events. I feel like I'm just here and not really doing anything worthwhile.

Then I volunteered to wash the floor of the zal this week. So after Search on Friday at about 10:30 I started the process. It was good to do some physical work that also gave me some time to think. So here's the question for you. So I'm mopping the floor, and thinking about how I must've paid more attention than I thought
when mom showed me how to do these things when I was younger, because I'm doing a decent job. Then, I started lamenting the fact that I'm here not doing any great things. You know, nothing like winning those heroic spiritual battles that you read about in the Bible. I'm not amassing thousands to the Lord, or doing miracles.

Then I thought about how my days don't always turn out exactly how I planned them. I suddenly realized two things. One, being a missionary is not a 9-5 job. I mean, maybe that seems obvious, but it feels more like it's a little bit here, a few things there, a couple hours doing this a couple hours doing that and not just sitting at a desk for 8 hours. I kind of like the flexibility but at other times it can be a pain. There are some times I have to be "on" when I'd rather be "off".

I also realized that it's not really about fighting giants, or gathering thousands to the Lord. I feel like in God's kingdom it's not about numbers or projects. Sometimes we get caught up in that. It's about building relationships and doing what you can. Most importantly it's about being willing to serve with your whole heart. Sometimes I feel like the widow who gave her two coins to the poor. It was a heart issue. She had nothing, but she wanted to give and serve the Lord with everything. My job is to have that kind of attitude and do what I can.

So what is my job? It's rather abstract, but my job is to be here. I know it sounds strange. My job is to go speak to an 8th grade English class, to help watch a baby so her parents can have time together, to jump in and fake a bible class lesson for pre-teens, to listen to women who need to talk, to pray, to help people study English, to mop the floor at 11pm on a Friday night to participate, to encourage, and most importantly to love. It's not about me. It's not my job to personally save the world. Someone else already did that and boy am I ever glad he did.

I was talking to my friend Natasha about this Sunday evening. She agreed, that it's all about the small things and told me that I came at just the right time. She also said something that really stuck with me. She told me she didn't want me to leave after this year and be like "Oh yeah, I was in Russia" and have life go on. She's right. I already feel this way.

I already feel like it would be wrong to just continue my life the way it was, this is different than exchange. I have family here, friends, mentors, brothers, sisters. Just like I can't come here and completely forget about my family, friends, mentors, brothers and sisters back home, I can't go home and just forget about the people here. I need to take what I learn and discover here, and apply it to serving God back home. I need to pray and discover where God wants me and how he wants to work in my life. Then, I need to take my skills and my spiritual gifts and wholeheartedly serve him.

My Testimony -- Russian

Я написала мое свидетельство, чтобы рассказать людям о том что Бог сделел для меня, и что он мой спаситель. Я его написала и на русском языке и на английском языке. Это русская версия. English Version

Я выросла в церкви. Мои родители верующие, и бабушка, и дедушка тоже. Я крестилась 13 августа 2000 г. Я верила в Бога и хотела жить с ним на небесах после смерти. Все было хорошо, а потом, когда мне стало 17 лет, я начала задавать себе вопросы о том, во что я верила.

Я сидела на собрании каждое воскресенье, слушая проповедника. Он говорил о том, как стать христианином. Я видела, какими были братья и сестры, и по-моему они были христианами только по воскресеньям. Я была разочарована Я продолжала ходить каждое воскресенье в церковь, но только из-за того, что мы так делали в своей семье.

После окончания школы я стала студенткой по обмену. Я поехала в Россию, где жила один год. В первой половине поездки я мало думала о Боге и о церкви. Я все еще верила в Бога, но думала о нем только когда ездила на природу. Хотя я почти все бросила, у Бога были другие планы.

Я люблю читать, и когда я собиралась поехать в Россию, то взяла с собой несколько книг на английском языке. Но через пять месяцев я уже все их прочитала, кроме одной книги. Библия осталась. Я сильно хотела читать по-английски, поэтому начала читать Библию. Всю жизнь я слышала свяшенное писание в церкви, но первый раз читала его сама. Я большему научилась, когда сама читала, чем когда сидела в церкви каждое воскресенье во время Богослужения.

Бог многому научил меня через этот опыт, но самое важное он научил меня скромности. Я думала, что была лучше, чем другие христиане, потому что считала, что все делала правильно. Мой грех – гордость. Бог научил меня, что не мое дело судить сердца других людей. Мне нужно быть уверенной, что все в порядке в моей духовной жизни. Мне обязательно нужно рассказывать другим о том, что Бог сделал для меня, а он сам будет судить, что у них на сердце.

Я об этом расказывала, потому что, у всех есть страдания и духовные крисизы даже, когда человек вырастил в церкви, но слава Богу у нас никогда не будут слишком много испытания. Наш Отец всегда верный, и он нам помогает.

My Testimony -- English

This is long overdue. One of the things Joel had me do in preparation for coming here was write out my testimony. So I did in English. Then, I got to translate it into Russian so Dima could send it to people interested in the Bible school and so I can tell it to people. Below is the English version of the text. Русская Версия

I grew up in the church. Sometimes I think that's more difficult than becoming a Christian as an adult. When you come in as an adult, you make the decision to believe and be baptized and you are committed to making that change. When you grow up in the church I think sometimes things aren't always so clear or firm.

I committed my life to Christ when I was 11 years old. I believed in God and I wanted to make sure that I would spend eternity with him. So I was baptized and began my Christian walk. Things went pretty well until high school and then I started questioning. As I got more into reading the Bible and better understanding of what Christianity is, I started to become disenchanted with it. I was reading what a Christian should be Biblically and looking around my church, suddenly realizing that the two didn't match up. I started to feel really down. Here I was, wanting to live out the faith and I felt like I was surrounded by hypocrites who showed up on Sunday morning because that's what good people do. By the time I was ready to graduate, I no longer cared. Force of habit and my parents' expectations were what kept me going to services.

I went to Russia as an exchange student right after high school. The first half of my trip I didn't really attempt to find a place to worship. I thought about God in the context of things I was seeing and doing, but most of it was brief and in passing. But God was working on me.

After I had been there about five months, something interesting happened. You see, I love to read and about this time, I ran out of things to read in English. The only thing I had left was my Bible. So I opened it at random one day and the next thing I knew, I was devouring the word. Reading for myself, I learned things that I never learned just sitting in worship every Sunday. I suddenly realized that I really missed being with other believers and so I made an effort to find a place where I could worship.

God worked on me and made me realize that it isn't my place to judge the hearts of men. It's his job. My job is to make sure that I''m right with him and that those around me can see the light of Christ within me. My journey since then has been filled with highs and lows. I am after all human. But God is always faithful to me and because of the sacrifice of his son, I can live with hope.

Why I Love Fridays

Fridays are my favorite day of the week. Perhaps because for a lot of people it's the end of the work week so things are more relaxed, perhaps it's the dynamics. In any case, I love Fridays. They make me happy.

I think maybe it's a combination of things. Fridays is "Search," our discussion group. This in itself is always an interesting experience. We come together, eat dinner and have a discussion about more in depth spiritual topics. I'm not talking about hot topic items we discuss to death in the church (What is the Holy Spirit anyway?) I'm talking about stuff the world wonders about too. This week it was the differences between Christianity and other religions. It takes a lot of concentration to follow these discussions, but they're always interesting.

I also love the conversations that go on before and after "Search," we joke around a lot, chat and just have a general good time. Sometimes afterwards a group of us will take a little walk, last night some friends and I just kind of hung out and chatted.

I also have some English lessons on Friday. I've been working with some of the people from church who want to improve English skills. Yesterday, I met with Luka. Her English is pretty decent and so we're working on a lot of vocabulary building. For hour hour lesson yesterday we took a walk, went to a bakery and just chatted. I really enjoyed that.

On Fridays I also meet with two teenage girls from church. Now that's an interesting experience. I'm not sure how much English they've actually been learning but it's always a good time. Yesterday our topic was Justin Beiber. We read a little about him, watched the music video to "baby" (Singing along) and then read the lyrics and made sure we understood what the song was about. A conversation I had with another church member a little later went something like this:

Me: "I met with Sonya and Yana today. We were practicing English"
Them: "Yes...I heard you singing..."

What can I say? It was really fun though. They told me that they wanted to talk to some Americans, so I told them I was trying to arrange a Skype visit with some teenagers from different youth groups. I'm not sure how they feel about it, but I think it would be a cool opportunity.

So, all around, Fridays generally put me in a good mood. People make me smile. With some of the church people I feel like I can relax and be myself. It's really great because that weird identity crisis I've been mentioning seems to disappear when that happens. I'm American, but I'm not. I'm Russian, but I'm not. It's a cool feeling. 

The Consulate

Last Friday I spent a good hour at the consulate. I turned in paperwork and have found a way to deal with the visa stuff. However, doing that involves going back to the consulate in a week to ten days and picking up some stuff and then calling a place that will get me a letter of invitation. All of this has to be done by the middle of December.

Why? Well, because my time on my visa is up at the beginning of January. Now this wouldn't really be a problem except there's this lovely little thing here called the holidays. It's a ten day period from the end of December through the first week or so of January. During this period pretty much the entire country of Russia shuts down. I imagine it's similar in Ukraine. Plus, I'm hoping to avoid the mass amounts of people traveling on the train during said vacation times. Oh. Yeah. did I mention I'm going to be taking the train? It's definitely going to be an adventure, I can tell you that right now... I'm kind of nervous about it, but God's got my back.

I feel like one of the big things He's teaching me through this whole process is to relax and he'll take care of it. Was I upset when I found out my visa would only let me be here for 3 out of 6 months? Most definitely. But I don't know. I've had kind of a sense of peace about the whole thing. Not just visa stuff but being here. Just kind of like "Well, God seems to want me here, so I'm sure he's got a way it's going to work out." Now if I could only be that calm in other aspects of my life, everything would be great.

I'd like to take a moment and talk about the consulate experience because it was interesting times. You see, you can't just walk into the American Consulate. You have to have your ID checked. Once you actually get inside, you have to have several scans and x-rays and things to make sure you aren't going to do anything drastic.

I got inside and the nice Russian officer explained that I needed to take all of my electronic devices out of my backpack and purse and put them in a bin. Now, normally this wouldn't be a big deal, but please let me explain. I went to the consulate on a Friday. Friday is generally one of the days I go work at the church. By work at the church I mean go and sit at a desk and write things and such. When I do this, it requires a computer so I take it with me. Basically, my backpack is where I keep all of my electronic devices.

So the man set out a blue plastic bin and I proceeded to unload my phone, my ipod, my computer and my camera. Then apparently I didn't hear him say to turn everything off, so I turned off the phone and the ipod. Then, I remembered I had more stuff in my backpack, so I pulled out my hard drive and my electrical converter. Yeah, it was embarrassing.

As if that wasn't bad enough. The guy swept a wand over me and I went on to the next stage. You have to walk through a metal detector and your stuff (But not your electronics) gets x-rayed. So I started through and the guy manning this station asked if the stuff in the blue bin was all my electronics. I said yes and he proceeded to x-ray my bag. Then he politely informed me that I still had electronics in my bag. I proceeded to pull out my computer cord and my headphones. I felt really bad. I kept explaining it was because I was on my way to work. The guy was really nice about it though.

The kicker though was that while you're in the consulate they store all your electronic stuff in little cubbies. I mean little cubbies. In retrospect it was really funny to watch him fit everything into two cubbies, but at the time I was horrified. Eventually, he gave me the tags to retrieve stuff and I went on my merry way.

Visiting the consulate is the ultimate identity crisis. Most everyone you interact with there is Russian and I was never quite sure if I should be in Russian mode or American mode. So I went with a little of both. I am so grateful though that we're going to be able to get this stuff worked out! Hooray!

Apartment Hunting, Commuting, Fitting in and Connecting

So I'd forgotten what it's like to live in this weird limbo of expat-ness.

That weird place where you're not exactly Russian but you're not exactly American. I think I'm working on trying to reconcile the two selves into one American-Russian-Christian-Glob of Globbiness. I'm not really sure.

A woman and her mother are staying at the church because the woman is trying to adopt a child from here. I call them Americans. "The American women came. We didn't recognize the Americans" and so on and so forth.

Yet, when I called about an apartment yesterday the woman asked where I was from "I'm an American." She promptly hung up on me. When I called back I was informed that they would only rent to Russians.

I'd forgotten how strange this country is.

For those of you who don't know, I moved out of the church. The aforementioned women needed a place to stay. So I'm now living with a young couple, Brad and Lena. I'm really enjoying it here so far too. They make me feel really welcome.

The only thing I don't really enjoy is the 50+ minute commute to the church. Although it got better when I started taking a book with me. My mother reminded me that I used to drive that far often over the summer. I replied that at least when you're driving, that far you're constantly moving. My city commute involves me walking to the bus stop...and waiting for the bus. Then I walk to the metro, drop in my token, get on the escalator...and wait to get to the bottom. Then you have to wait for the train...Once you're on the train you have to wait for your stop... Then I have to change lines so that's another wait...one more stop and you finally get to get off. But then you have to go up the escalator... Finally I leave the metro and walk several blocks to the church. Oh yes, it's good times indeed. Plus, I would be really cranky by the time I got to the church. Taking a book along helps me feel productive while I'm waiting and also gets me some escape time. So now while I don't know that I necessarily look forward to the commute, it's definitely not as terrible as it was the first couple times.

In other news, I'm looking for a room to rent. As I mentioned, I called about one yesterday. I also went with Luka and Natasha to go look at a room last night. Yeah that was interesting times... we're not going to be renting that room. The man and his wife were rather strange and the atmosphere was...eh... we looked around and promptly left. Luka is putting me in touch with an agent who can help me find something. In the mean time I've had several conversations with God about it and I know a lot of other people have been praying about it as well. I'm not too worried about it as I figure God's always got something in the works.

By the way, the best part about going to look at the room yesterday was hanging out with Luka and Natasha. We went to a cafe afterwards and hung out for a bit. It was good times.

That's the other thing I'm really enjoying. Just getting to know people. Learning about their personalities, their lives, making connections. But then after all that's what I love to do... make connections.

Cultural Respect

I had a bit of a revelation the other night about cultural insight. This post is an excerpt from a letter I wrote to my youth group explaining what I learned. I hope you blog followers find it interesting as well.

I wanted to tell you guys some things about culture that I think you'll find interesting. One of the most important things to remember if you ever go out on the mission field, or even just a trip is that things are going to be different. When I was an exchange student it was explained to us like this: It's not necessarily better or worse than in America, it's just different. 

Learning about other people's cultures is extremely important. Through learning about this, it's possible to connect with people on their own level, one that they understand. I include language learning in this. Language and Culture are intertwined and it's impossible to separate them. I encourage you all to, even if it's a short term mission, learn as much of the language as you can before you go. It will make you more effective and people will appreciate that you've taken the time to learn about them.

Also, don't be afraid to make mistakes or ask questions. It's all part of the learning process. When I was an exchange student, I was often afraid of speaking up. I didn't want to sound silly or dumb. I was afraid of being judged for not knowing anything if I admitted I was wrong. This time around though, I'm much more open. If I don't understand, I'll say so. If there's a word I don't know, I'll ask what it means. In some ways, my learning experience here in St. Petersburg is a lot richer in only two weeks than probably half of my exchange just because I'm trying to open up and connect with people, even when my language skills are lacking. 

Let me give you another example. This time dealing with how things can be different. I recently had a conversation with one of the brothers here, Dima. He was explaining to me that a Fire Inspector was coming on Friday and how it might be necessary to essentially pay him what we Americans would consider a bribe. I said that things like that often happened in Russia and that I thought it was strange and dishonest. He then informed me that things Americans do seem strange to Russians. I asked him for examples and he cited things like taking each other to court all the time and whistle blowing if someone is breaking the law. An interesting cultural thing he pointed out was that often Americans will say "Maybe" when they mean "no" I was kind of mentally laughing when he said "It's dishonest." That made me stop and think. 

I like to think of myself as culturally aware. But I'm still American and embedded in that culture as well. Sometimes I think we (and I include myself in this) tend to look down on people because they don't have the same ideas that we do about life, freedoms, security, government and so on. We might say "Oh it's wrong for the Russians to have to pay bribes to pass fire inspections and they should have the same ideas about basic rights as we do" but if you stop for a moment and look at the historical events that have shaped each culture it makes perfect sense why each country feels the way it does. 

America was a state founded by people who were trying to escape oppression. When they set up the government, they wanted to make sure the oppression they escaped from wouldn't happen again. Because of this, they wrote out the Bill of Rights and the Constitution. The ideals that every man had basic rights and freedoms was extremely important to them and became embedded in American culture. They felt that the government's job was to serve the people, not the other way around. 

Russia has always been a country where the government was the be all, end all. The people were to serve the government not the other way around. In earlier times, the Tsars ruled. These monarchs were seen as fatherly figures whose job it was, as head of the "household" to make decisions. Father knows best as it were. Later on, during Communist times, telling on people meant you were working with the repressive government. It was necessary to pay bribes to get things done. Everyone was supposed to cooperate in order to build a utopian society. 

What I'm trying to say is that we, not just Americans, but everyone need to be respectful and understanding of other cultures. Does it mean we have to deny who we are culturally and take on characteristics of other societies? No. We just need to understand that people have different values and we need to be respectful of those values when we interact. Remember, it's not better or worse it's just different.

Keep on keeping on!

In Him,

Abigail

Comparisons

I'm not even going to lie, it's kind of scary how much I'm loving being here. I'm really enjoying this time. I mean, is it lonely? Occasionally, when it's late and I should go to bed but don't feel like it. But generally I'm keeping busy and things are going well. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop because I feel like it should not be legal for me to be having this much fun.

Maybe it's because everything is sort of subconsciously compared to my exchange. This is completely different though. There was a part of me that never fully got used to living in Yakutsk. I mean, my goodness all I did was cry the first three days and then tried to make it through every day in order to get home. I learned a lot. There were some definite good times, but there were also some very bad times too.

I think some of my enjoyment of this comes from automatically having a family. I mean, you have host families while on exchange. But honestly, with one exception I never felt particularly close to my host families. This time it's different. As soon as I got here, I felt welcomed, loved and accepted. Oh, I still have awkward moments, you have those any time you live in a foreign country. But among my church family I'm not afraid to admit that I don't understand, not afraid to make mistakes with the language, not afraid to ask for help. It's a nice feeling. My host families were willing to help me, but sometimes I could tell I was a burden or that they didn't really want to be dealing with me. They accepted me to a certain extent because they had to. The church people kind of have to as well, but the difference is they don't mind. I feel like there's an attitude of "Great! You're here! What can you learn from us and what can we learn from you?" Because we are all trying to be Christ centered, we automatically have that in common and it makes things easier.

But I didn't start writing this blog post with the intention of preaching. There are other factors that are making this transition easier as well. For one, I already know the language an culture. My exchange took me through the difficulties of learning a language and adapting to the culture. The first few days I was in St. Petersburg were a little rough language wise. I wasn't used to hearing full-on fluent Russian spoken all the time. Last week as I believe I mentioned, however all of a sudden it was like I kind of slid back into it and now every day it gets easier. I'm understanding a ton of what people say. I'm speaking more too.

The one thing I regretted after my exchange was I felt like I didn't practice talking enough. Well, that's being remedied now. If exchange was Russian 101, this is the next level. I talk a ton more than in Yakutsk. Plus, I talk and listen to more in depth subjects. I guess I really am conversationally fluent. People tell me good things about my Russian which makes me feel good. I know that I don't speak perfectly, not by any means, but to have native Russians tell me that I sound good, or that I form my words well, or that it's good when I correct myself means a lot to me. It's like they notice I'm trying and that makes me feel good and want to try harder.

Another thing that is making this easier is the place itself. Honestly, sometimes it doesn't even feel like I'm in Russia. There's a McDonald's two blocks down and KFCs here and there. I mean, it's obviously a Russian city, but it doesn't feel like it. I don't really know how to explain it. It just has a different atmosphere. After living in Siberia, and Yakutsk in particular, this place is like a wonderland of joy and joyness. The stores don't have empty shelves and there's always a selection of at least two or three brands of whatever item you want. Yeah, stuff is more expensive here, but they also have what you want. When you want it.  I'm constantly surprised at the things they have in the store here. Pre-made dough for Pirozhki? What? Or a product similar to something we have in the states that I couldn't get in Yakutsk? Wow!

I can already tell that it's going to be really hard to go home next fall. 

A Day in the Life of a Missionary Part 2: Settling in

I thought it would be fun to do one of these posts while I'm still settling in so here it is. This was my day on Tuesday.

9:50 am: Wake up because I'm supposed to meet with Joel at 11. Check Facebook and discover he is going to be late. I lay in bed a bit longer then get up and get ready for the day.

11:00 am: I'm having Chai in the kitchen and reading Mere Christianity when Sergei walks in. He asks me if I can get Wi-fi in my room. I tell him no. He then asks if I need the computer that's in my room. I again tell him no and he says that he will move the computer out and hook my notebook up to Ethernet. I abandon my chai and we go take care of that.

11:30: After returning to the kitchen and finishing my chai, I go back to my room, where I have a message from Joel that it's going to be a little longer. I start working on fixing a topical study he wanted me to fix because I didn't quite understand what I was doing the first time.

Noonish: Joel shows up and I show him my flier for English conversation lessons. He tells me to take it across the hall to have Lena print it.

12:30: After Sergei and Lena mess with the printer and help me tweak said flier, I finally have five copies. Joel and I proceed to the dormitory across the street where Joel has a chat with the Kommandant (The woman who's in charge of the dorm) and she allows us to go through the dorm and hang the fliers on each floor.

1:00 pm: I return to the church to see that Luka has arrived. I stop to chat with her she asks if I would like to have chai but I decline and explain I have work to do but maybe later. I work a little more on the study.

2:00 pm: Luka comes by my room and tells me she has a song she wants me to listen to. I listen, then she tells me she's going to translate it and asks if I'll look at it when she's done. I agree.

2:15: Dima comes by and asks if I would like chai. I start to decline and then he says that there are blinchiki too. So I agree and off we go to the kitchen. Once there, we are joined by Galina Mikhailovna and Sergei. Conversation ensues.

2:45: Luka comes in to the kitchen and I go over the song lyrics with her, helping her clarify some things.

2:50: Immediately following, Dima brings in a letter he wants me to answer from a woman in Yakutia who wants to learn more about the bible.

2:55: Whilst putting some things away in the kitchen Dima grills me with questions. I do my best to answer. He asks how I came to God and the Church and so I tell my story in rough Russian.

3:00 pm: I return to my room where I sit down to finish my study when Joel IMs me and asks me to come by his office.

3:45 pm: I have a meeting with Joel.

4:45 pm: I am very tired from the lots of Russian and the meeting. I stop by Dima's office to find out exactly when I'm supposed to write this letter.

5:00 pm: Dima comes by with the main points of what the woman wrote in her letter so I can get a better idea of what to say in mine.

5:30 pm: I work on this blog post. Whilst doing that a girl calls about English lessons. She asks them in Russian and I do my best to answer. She says she will call back after thinking about it. I don't think she will.

6:45 pm: Dinner time

7:00 pm: The chorus practices in individual parts, so I went and sang with the sopranos

9:00 pm: We have chai after rehersal and the girls discover it is my birthday. Congratulations ensue. I manage to follow most of the conversations over chai pretty well.

10:00 pm: Luka is cleaning up the auditorium after rehearsal. I stop by to say goodnight and she asks me to sing a bit for her. Afterwards, she asks if I would be willing to help the altos sing because their strongest alto might not be able to come on Thursday when they are recording. I agree to learn what I can and help them on Thursday if need be.

10:30 pm: I hide in my room, play guitar and relax.

First Sunday

I know, it's already Tuesday, but I wanted to write about my first church service. I was tired yesterday.

Worship was the same but different than at home. I liked a lot of what went on actually. When we got started, there was singing of course, but one thing we did which I think we don't do enough of at home, was scripture reading. Between every song, there were chunks of scripture that were read. Sometimes we read them all together and sometimes, one of the men would read them. We went through a good chunk of Matthew 5 which was pretty cool.

Another interesting thing, I knew all the songs but one. How? Well because they were all songs we sing at home, but (obviously) in Russian. We actually sang one of my favorite songs, "We Shall Assemble." I'm hoping to learn the Russian version. I guess it should be obvious that we sing the same songs, but I wasn't expecting it to be quite so many. Maybe because the Baptist church I attended in Yakutsk sang a lot of different songs. I've only been here one Sunday though, so what else is sung remains to be seen.

After much singing and scripture reading led by Igor, it was time for communion. Dima got up and said a few words and then we passed around the bread. It was much like home (Well, the bread was a little different. Was all crunchy) except that instead of eating it right away, we waited until everyone had a piece. Then Dima quoted Jesus "This is my body, do this in remembrance of me." And we all ate. We did the same thing with the juice after passing it around, then our little communion cups were collected.

Oleg, who I guess you could consider the main preacher, did the offering. Following that, they had all the children come to the front. It was cool because they asked the kids if there was anything they'd like to pray for and then they had a prayer for the children. After the prayer, the kids went to their respective classes.

Oleg then preached the sermon. It was pretty interesting, what I understood of it anyway. About halfway through it got easier to understand which was awesome. The lesson was about persecution.

Oh and apparently, worship here (like the scripture and stuff) isn't always the same. I just got done having tea with Dima, Sergei and Galina and they told me that the beginning part changes depending on who is leading that part of the worship. Dima also told me that this congregation is actually one of the more progressive churches of Christ in Russia. Which was interesting. It would be interesting to see how some of the more traditional churches run worship and interact with each other and the world.

There wasn't an invitation song or anything which was actually kind of nice. We just prayed at the end of the sermon. Then there were announcements. Igor got up and congratulated the couple who got married last Wednesday and then they introduced me and Joel talked a little bit about who I was and why I was here. Then we said a prayer and dismissed.

I really enjoyed worship and I've been enjoying getting to know people and getting involved with the stuff going on here. Doing this is one of the best decisions I've ever made...

First Day in Piter

My day started at 5am. No lie. I went to bed last night at midnight and set my alarm for 9. I was like "this is going to be perfect."

At five I found myself lying wide awake in the room at the church where I'm temporarily lodged. My sinuses were draining down my throat so I took some medicine and went back to sleep. Or, I tried. See the problem was that I was tired. I could tell that my body needed more sleep but it wasn't working out so well. I alternately tried to sleep and journaled. Finally, about 8:30 I found myself relaxing enough to get to sleep. The next thing I knew, I was awake looked at my clock and saw that it was noon.

Now, this wouldn't have ordinarily been a problem except that Joel and his family were coming to get me at noon to take me to meet a sister named Zhenya. You can imagine my distress upon waking. Thankfully, things don't run as fast here so my ride wasn't here yet. I promptly jumped in the shower and probably coined a new record for the fastest shower. Ever. I'm talking two minutes max. (Good thing I have short hair.) As I was drying off I heard the buzzer downstairs which meant that Joel & Co were here. I answered the buzzing telephone, explained I overslept and that I would be down as soon as I was dressed.

Fifteen minutes later I made it downstairs. I did have a moment of panic tearing through my suitcases looking for socks before I realized they'd been packed inside my boots. It also took me longer because Russians love locks and I had to lock up the church behind me. Which took a bit.

Once in the car I was informed that instead of being taken to Zhenya's house as previously thought, she would be meeting me at the nearby McDonalds. Which is like two blocks away. The Pettys drove me there. Inside, Zhenya eventually came along and we proceeded to gulyat'. This is a Russian word that means walk. But not really walking to get anywhere. Just walking and talking basically. Which is what we did. All day. We ate at the McDonalds and chatted for a while. Then we wandered down the street and found a place where I could buy a cellphone. I was really glad Zhenya was with me because the guy at the store talked really fast and was really trying hard to upsell. It was kind of intense.

We wandered past pretty much all of the major tourist sites: The Hermitage, St. Issaac's Cathedral, Spas' na Krovi and had just gotten to Mikhailovskii Sad when Zhenya got a call from another sister, also named Zhenya. When she hung up she informed me (If I wasn't too tired) that we were going visiting. I was fine with this since the other alternative was to sit alone in the church and off we went.

We spent several hours visiting with Zhenya and her son Mark. He's just a baby and so it was kind of fun to get to play with him a bit. The two Zhenya's were awesome at including me in conversation, but I felt bad because quite a bit of it went over my head as I was getting tired. I was excited though because when I started this morning, I was able to have all kinds of conversation with Zhenya. We talked about family, church, history, boys all kinds of things and I did pretty well actually. I mentioned when we started that I was nervous about talking because my Russian isn't always the best. Zhenya told me a story about how she used to be really judgmental when people spoke Russian badly. Not necessarily foreigners even, but Russians themselves. But then God reminded her that it's not how you say it, it's what you say. I think she has a good point.

I really enjoyed the fellowship today. I think this year is going to go by pretty fast. Please pray that I'm able to be of good use here.

Tomorrow is the "general assembly" which means the worship time (General as opposed to the small groups and other Bible studies that go on here throughout the week.) I'm looking forward to it. It's kind of intimidating because I'm probably going to be meeting a lot of people all at once, but at the same time I'm super excited!

Alone?

Am I doing something extraordinary?
Possibly.
Right now, as you're reading this, I am on a plane thousands of miles above your head.
I'm going to New York. In a big metal bird that some how manages to defy gravity... Yeah I don't want to think about that too much either.

But back to my question. Am I unusual?
Because here's the conversation I've been getting of late:


Me: I'm going to Russia on Thursday
Them: Oh? What for?
Me: I'm going to be doing mission work there.
Them: Alone?

Am I strange?
Because apparently people don't normally do this sort of thing...
I used to get this in Russia all the time too.


Host mom: Where have you been?
Me: Out walking
Host mom: Alone?

In Russia I just assumed it was because I'm female. And most young women did go walking in groups. So I just assumed that's why I was considered strange. It's not that I don't like people. I just like alone time once in a while too.

But I'm digressing from my main point. Namely, that people find it odd that I'm going to Russia alone.
It's not like I'm going to wander around the city by myself attempting to preach the gospel on street corners. I explained that to someone the other day. "Well I have church people who are meeting me."
They still gave me a funny look.
What am trying to find out is, even in our "liberated" day and age am I defying a gender norm? Essentially that it's not typical for women to travel alone?
As far as I know no one ever asked my brother this question and he spent two years in China.

I think people sometimes wonder why I'm doing this. What possesses an (almost) 23 year old to run off to Russia for a year at a time? I have no idea. I get the impression that people admire the fact that I'm going, that they're super impressed. I don't know how many people have said "I couldn't do that" or something similar. Like I'm doing something so great.

I just want to set the record straight. Maybe it's not something everyone has in them, but honestly for me it's not a big deal. It's a natural thing that stems from the talents and desires God has given me. It's right and it's good to go back to Russia. There is nothing special about it or me. I'm not trying to debase myself, but I'm saying that just because traveling abroad is what I do, doesn't make me any better or worse than anyone else. Why? Because there are plenty of things I can't do.

For example, I greatly admire people who work with people who have special needs and people who work in hospitals. Why? Because I can't do that. I just can't handle it. If I had to, I suppose I would, but honestly I pray that I am never in that situation because it just makes me uncomfortable. Nursing homes are the same way. It's not where my talents lie. There are people I know who are great at that. They connect with people that way and are able to show love, kindness and compassion. That is where their talents are and they can use those talents for great things.

So my reminder for the day, as I'm flying above your heads, is to remember what Paul said. We are all parts of a single body. We all have different ways of dealing with things, different goals, different talents and we can all use what we have to glorify God.

What If?

I woke up this morning and the first thoughts in my head were about fifteen "what ifs." I mean, it wasn't anything super horrible. It was just little things. What if I get super sick? What if I lose a contact? What if my passport gets stolen?

So much for my feelings of peace and non-concern about going. I think it's starting to hit me. I've felt kind of sad all day and out of sorts. There are things I need to finish, but I don't have time. And then there are some things that I was like "Oh wait, I can finish this in Russia. It's not like my life is ending."

Mom says I'm going through the stages of dying. Not that I am. But she says that anytime someone has a big change in their life death, divorce, moving, extended travel they go through stages. Apparently symptoms of this sort of thing is avoiding, holding on to stuff, or giving it away, and being angry and/or sad.  She's kind of right.

Even though I'm not completely avoiding, I still am. I'm not completely thinking about it. In fact through the course of writing this blog entry, I've been forced to think about it and therefore am feeling kind of sick.

As for the stuff. I don't know that I'm really holding on to stuff. Unless you count me trying to fit everything into my suitcase as holding on. But I'm definitely letting go of some things. I dated a guy this summer and had some stuff of his. Gave it back to him when he came to say goodbye on Monday night. He was like "Why are you giving me this back?" "Because." It just seemed like the thing to do.

Saying goodbye to people is weird as well. Half the time it doesn't seem like I'm even leaving. Monday night was just surreal. It was like an ordinary night all summer. The guy comes by after work, we sit around for a while and then he drives the rest of the way home. It didn't even feel like this was the last time I'd see him for a year.

Sunday night I went to my college church to say goodbye to all of them. I love those people. They are a tiny congregation but they've been so interested in and supportive of my upcoming journey. It was good to get to talk to a couple of my adopted moms and see everyone. But again, it was weird.

Everyone is like "Bye Abigail. Good luck on your journey, we're praying for you" But it didn't feel like an unordinary night. We had our potluck, and services and I stood outside in the parking lot for an extra hour talking to a couple interested in Missions like I usually do. And then it was like "Well, see ya."

Mom tells me that it's always harder for the people staying behind. I'm starting to believe it because I don't feel much of anything at the moment.

Four Days

I'm leaving on Thursday. This time on Thursday I'll be on a plane. Or, waiting in an airport. In either case, I won't be here. I'm having a really weird time of it as well. There are two suitcases, a backpack and a guitar sitting in the middle of my parents' dining room.

The suitcases have (mostly) clothes, and books and random things like vitamins thrown hither and yon into them. There is no rhyme or reason to it. I have clothes in the washer and a mental list that contains more items than Jewish Law.

I'm leaving on Thursday, but it doesn't feel like it.
I mean the good news is that I'm not avoiding. The above evidence of the suitcases and everything proves that. I know I'm leaving. It's looming over me.

But it doesn't feel like I'm going for a whole year.

I realized this the other day and it's been bothering me ever since.

I don't feel like I'm going to be spending a whole year in Russia. I feel like this is just a little jaunt. But it doesn't feel like I"m going to be back in a few weeks either.

Maybe it's because I know how fast it will go? Maybe it's because I've done this before? Maybe it's because I know life goes on after you go overseas. I mean, yeah you change and the people here change, but life still goes on.

I sure hope it doesn't hit me like it did last time. Last time, as soon as I left my parents in the airport I started crying and didn't stop for three or four days. That would be terrible.

What's nice though is that all my fears and doubts that I had when I first decided to do this, as well as the ones I'd been having in recent days, have completely disappeared. I feel a deep sense of peace about this whole thing. I have visa issues. So what? If God provided me funding to go and has been with me all this time, he's certainly going to provide me with the means of working out my visa. And if not? Well it's because he wants me to work in Ukraine or another country as well as Russia and who am I to argue?

That doesn't mean everything is peachy though. Although it doesn't feel like I'm leaving, I am. And while I don't feel finality that I did last time, I still feel rather weird. It's hard to explain. I feel lonely at times. So lonely I want to cry. I came home from seeing my church family where I attended during college and was just in this weird mood. Went right up to my room. Mom came by later and asked three times if I was okay. "I will be."
"So you're not now, but you will be?"
"Yeah, I guess."

I couldn't tell her exactly what was wrong. I don't know myself. Just an underlying sadness, with a weird combination of nostalgia and anger. It's an odd combination for sure.

Hmmm... perhaps I should be preparing myself for the bi-polarness that comes with living overseas because it seems that I'm starting now...