Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Leaving is Like Dying

okay I know that sounds morbid, but it's the strangest thing. I've had the oddest feeling lately. I think it's because I'm just waiting. It's like as I look at my life, my future, I can't see anything past a certain point. I think. Okay, I'll probably be leaving in the next couple of weeks. Yet it's like when I try to think about what's coming my mind draws a complete blank. It's like my life just stops after two weeks. Thank goodness that people haven't stopped talking about future events around me. Then I really would feel like I'm dying.

I think that's maybe my problem. I sit and talk with people, and my Rotary friends are all like 'Yes, I'm leaving in X days, I can't wait!" and my friends from school are going "Wow, move-in day is in ten days, I can't believe we're in college now" and my friends from church are all getting ready to go back to high school and college and what am I doing? I'm getting ready for Russia, but it's like I don't have any real plans, because I don't know when I'm leaving or anything. It's like I'm caught in some sort of suspended time. It's like life keeps flowing all around me and I'm just staying stationary. I don't even know if I can describe it accurately enough in words, maybe some of you have felt this way and know what I'm talking about. In that case you understand exactly what I mean when I say that it's kind of like dying.

People say "So what are you doing?" and I say "I'm going to Russia." And that's all I know. The question I've hated for a while now is "When are you leaving?" I hate that question so much. Yet at the same time, my attitude is kind of reflected in the way I answer. At first it was "The end of August!" And I would say it with such enthusiasm, now my answer is "I wish I knew" Said with some irritation and frustration and disappointment. It's not that I have a bad attitude about going, I'm just eager to go, and it's hard hearing everyone else's plans and not knowing my own. I don't like being suspended in and above time like this.


Allison said...

This is Allison (I'm headed to Iceland) from the culture-shocked boards. The suspended time thing I definitely agree with! Before you leave it's like the slow motion car crash in a movie. You know what's coming and you can plainly see it, but it feels like forever before it happens. Then, BAM, it hits you like a truck and it goes so fast. Make the most of your time while you still have it. I was in denial for a bit so I didn't really do that. Sorry for the novel by the way. I just thought it was uncanny because I used the same "suspended time" analogy today.

Maria said...

Hey! I know exactly how you feel. still no departure date here and my travel agent isn't even responding to e-mails. :-p Even though I know I'm leaving in just a few weeks, it still feels so unreal to me, so far away. Good luck getting your departure date. It stinks that Russian paperwork takes so long to get a hold of.