Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Philosophy Part 2.

I don't understand it, so when it comes, I just kind of ride with it. It's just one of those things. It seems to me that every once in a while here, I have to sit down and have myself a good cry. But it's strange because a good part of the time, I don't have any reason for being sad. It's just like I have this thing inside me and occasionally, it needs to come out. And when I cry, it's like I cry for everything. I cry because I want to see my parents, I cry because I can't believe I'm living this dream come true. I cry for my friends and their decisions, I cry for the decisions I have made and will have to make, I cry for the future and what it holds, I cry because I love it here, I cry because sometimes I feel so alone, I cry for the things back home I've missed, I cry because the beauty of just being here is absolutely overwhelming. I cry for the people here who I've met and befriended, but who I may never see again. I cry because I've grown up, and I cry because I've seen things that others would never even imagine. I cry because God is so good to me and I don't even deserve it. It's hard to describe, it's just one of those things I do here. I hardly ever cried back home. Wonder if this is a permanent thing or not.

The other thing is the restlessness. It was really bad right after I got back from my trip, and only recently has settled down a bit, but when it starts up, I can hardly stand it. And it tends to hit me at random moments. In the bookstore for example. I was just hanging around, looking at books, when all of a sudden I got really restless. I didn't want to be in the store, but I didn't want to go walk around the city. I didn't know what to do with myself. Sometimes it's so hard because I want to be free, and I am, but I'm not. I want to see everything, feel it, be it. But I can't. At the same time I don't. Sometimes I feel like I'm larger than life, like nothing can touch me. Other times, I feel so insignificant and that I'm just one of a billion people. Sometimes I feel like this apartment is going to suffocate me, so I go outside, but when I do, the city feels like it's going to suffocate me. I want to be here, but I don't. I want to see my friends, and my family, but at the same time, I'm afraid. Afraid of what I'll find when I get home. Afraid that I won't be able to settle down because it'll feel too small after being here with the huge sky and the river and the town that is just a tiny dot in the middle of a wilderness. And I don't know what to do with these feelings...

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